Loss and Moving On
by Woemcat
Summary: This takes place the school year after the movie. Lizzie is a freshman at Hillridge High School. Rating M a strong M for graphic detail of character death! This is a POV piece.
1. Chapter 1

JO'S LOSS

_**A/N --- I am in the process of redoing Jo's Loss and Moving on After Loss and putting them into one story. The changes will be relatively minor, but there were some things I wasn't happy with. In addition, I plan on adding a POV piece from Matt's point of view and also Miranda's. Enjoy and please review! Thanks!**_

_A/N 2--Jo's Loss. This is taken from Jo McGuire's point of view. This takes place the school year after the movie. Lizzie is a freshman at Hillridge High School. Rating M (a strong M for graphic detail of character death!)_

CHAPTER ONE (WEDNESDAY)

Today, I found my daughter, dead from suicide. My precious daughter is gone! I'll never see her pretty smile anymore nor hear her beautiful singing voice. I didn't even know she could sing until I saw her on stage at the Colosseum in Rome last spring! She looked so confident and grown up, so different from the little girl I put on the plane two weeks prior. I keep asking myself why. Why did she do it? She left no note, and her best friends, Miranda and Gordo, were just as clueless...

I was fixing breakfast for the kids when Matt ran downstairs. He, as always, was a bundle of energy, bouncing off the walls. Sometimes I swear that kid has ADHD! Usually, Lizzie is not far behind, complaining about Matt coming into her room unannounced, but not today. I asked Matt to go get his sister, which he gladly obliged. Suddenly, I hear a scream, "MOM! LIZZIE'S STILL IN BED!" Exasperated, I abandon my cooking and go upstairs. "Lizzie, get a move on! You're gonna be late for school," I yell. I expect to hear some sort of response, but she didn't respond. I thought she must be sick, so I knock on her door. "Lizzie, are you okay? Lizzie? Lizzie, get up!" I walk over to her bed and shake her. "Lizzie, I said get up!" She didn't wake up. I stopped in my tracks and looked at her. She looked so pale and felt cold, so I pulled her covers back. There was my daughter, cold and still, covered in blood. "NOOOO! LIZZIE!" I scream. I collapse on to the bed and cry hysterically. "SAM! GET IN HERE!" I hear Sam mutter something, but I can't make it out, so I yell for him again. Sam rushes into the room and stops at the threshold of the door. "Our daughter, she's dead!" I yell to him. I am covered in her blood. I can't let go of her. She's my baby girl. Sam walks into the room and starts looking through the blankets and sheets. He pulls out two blood soaked razor blades. "Oh, my God," he whispers. I think he's in as much shock and disbelief and I am. "Sam, what do we do?" I ask.

We didn't even see Matt standing near the door in the room for the longest time. He saw everything! He saw his sister all bloody and cold. He saw his mother drenched as well, rocking her dead daughter. I think he will be scarred for life. We didn't see him until he screamed. We were in such shock that we couldn't help him! We couldn't help our baby boy! He was standing there with tears in his eyes, and we couldn't help him!

Sam rushed by Matt and called 9-1-1. Soon, the paramedics came and whisked my baby to the hospital, where she was pronounced DOA--Dead on Arrival. I'll never forget the moment the doctor told me my baby was dead. We were waiting in the family room. Sam and Matt were on either side of me. The doctor came in and said, "I'm sorry, but there's nothing we can do for her. She's gone." I felt my knees go weak underneath me, and I fell to the floor. Sam and Matt had to catch me before I hit the ground. "MY BABY! MY BABY! NO!" I kept crying over and over again. Sam and Matt didn't say a thing. I guess they were in as much shock as I was. I felt like I was being ripped from the inside out.

It felt like an eternity before the medical examiner cleaned Lizzie up enough for us to view her body. He lifted the sheet from her face. She was white as that sheet. I stared in shock and disbelief; this COULDN'T be my Lizzie. This couldn't be real. It had to be a dream, but it wasn't. I buried my face into Sam's chest and cried until I couldn't cry any more. All too quickly, it was time for us to leave. I didn't want to leave. Leaving meant my baby would never be going home with us. We would be going home as a family of three, not a family of four. I kissed the top of her head and Sam led me out of the room. We drove home in silence. What was there to say?

When we got home, the answering machine was blinking. Damn that machine! Our lives have come to a screeching halt and the machine still blinks! Most of the messages were the normal, annoying fare, telemarketers mostly, but two messages cut me deeply. The first was from Dr. James, my OBGYN. She called to tell me that the tests were positive; I'm pregnant. What sick and cruel joke is this? The same day I find my daughter dead, I find out I'm pregnant. What cruel irony. This should be an exciting message. I should be thrilled. Sam and I wanted another baby, but all I feel is heartache. Lizzie will never know this baby. She'll never know her baby brother or sister! How am I going to tell Sam? How am I going to tell Matt? The second message will haunt me for the rest of my life. It was Miranda and Gordo calling for Lizzie. I listen to it over and over again. "_Hey Lizzie, we missed you in school! Are you sick? What's up? Call us at Miranda's. Maybe if you're feeling up to it, we can meet at the Digital Bean? Well, bye!_" I sit on the barstool and stare at the machine, cursing it. Miranda and Gordo will never call for Lizzie again. I'm going to miss those kids. They'll go on with their lives, and Lizzie will be dead. DEAD!

Sam sees me crying at the machine and he puts his arm around my shoulders. I stare at the machine and then play the second one again. We realize that we need to call Miranda and Gordo's parents. Sam puts the phone on speaker phone and dials Miranda's number first. Miranda answers. I can hear Gordo saying something in the background. It took all the strength in the world not to cry at the sound of their voices. Sam asked to speak to Miranda's mother. Miranda asked if she could talk to Lizzie afterwards. Sam was such a rock; he didn't waver. He repeated his request, and Miranda put her mother on the phone. This is going to crush her best friends. I want to know if they know anything as to why Lizzie did this, but that will have to wait. Matt wanted to call his friends, so we let him use Lizzie's line. We let him talk as long as he felt he needed. Sam and I called the family and Lizzie's and Matt's schools. Tomorrow, we'll call the funeral home to make arrangements.


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO (THURSDAY)

Today, Sam and I made funeral arrangements for Lizzie. Matt stayed home from school, so he came with us to the funeral home. Lizzie is his sister; we felt he should have input into the funeral. It was all surreal, picking out caskets, linens, and what outfit we wanted her dressed in for the funeral and burial. We had to schedule the visitation, funeral, and interrment services as well. None of us got much sleep last night. I think I spent the whole night crying, holding on to Sam the whole time. Sam wanted to give me some Tylenol PM to help me sleep, but I declined. I don't know how I'm going to tell him about the baby. I don't know how I'm going to tell Matt about the baby. I'm only about six weeks along, so it can wait. After we met with the funeral home directors, we met with our minister. She was wonderful about the whole thing. She helped us write a service that I think Lizzie would have liked. We found some of her favorite songs and poems that were appropriate to have sung and read. Friday night and Saturday are going to be so hard.

We get home and I take a nap on the couch. I'm so exhausted, I don't even bother with going to the bedroom. I have no trouble sleeping, but it's not good sleep. I dream that this was just a bad nightmare and that Lizzie is still with us, alive. She's standing in front of me, smiling. I smile back, and walk toward her. I reach out my arms to embrace my daughter, and as soon as I touch her, she's gone. Vanished! I wake up and scream. Sam rushes to my side and rocks me on the couch. Matt sits nearby, on the floor in a corner, and stares at us. I wonder what's going on in his head. He looks so alone and frightened. I motion for him to join us. I want to hold my baby boy. He comes over, and I cradle my son. This is hard on him. Sam and I have lost our child, but he has lost his only sibling.

The doorbell rings. Sam answers the door. It's the moment I've been dreading. Gordo and Miranda are here, in tears. Sam lets them in. I am still cradling Matt; he is not ready to let go. I call Gordo and Miranda over, and the four of us embrace. They have puzzled looks on their faces; I don't think they know why this happened either. Sam sits on the chair across from the couch. I decide to ask the hard questions. "Did Lizzie give you any clue she was suicidal?" "No, Mrs. McGuire, nothing" Miranda replies. "Was she depressed or sad?" "She seemed fine to me," Gordo answers. I thank them, and ask them if they can think of anything to let us know. They get up and leave. I can't help but think this is the last time they'll be in this house. Gordo and Lizzie have known each other all their lives, and Miranda almost as long. Now, they'll finish growing up without Lizzie. Matt's friends come over with their parents. None said much, especially Lanny; he's not much of a talker. However, I think it did Matt a lot of good to see his friends, even for a few minutes. He never let go of me during the visits. I didn't want to let him go either. Friends come over and bring meals. I don't think I'll have to cook for a whole month. I'm glad we bought that deep freeze. However, I'm not hungry anyway. I pick at a slice of pizza. I know I have to eat. The baby needs the nourishment. Oh, I don't know how to tell them about the baby.


	3. Chapter 3

CHAPTER THREE (SATURDAY)

Today, we buried my baby girl. I'll never see my Lizzie ever again. That thought cuts me to the core of my soul. Last night was the visitation at the funeral home. If I hear one more, "If you need anything, let me know," I think I'll scream. People meant well, but some of their comments were so not helpful. "I know how you feel!" Most of them have never lost a child, especially to suicide. "At least you've got Matt!" I'm glad I have Matt, but I want Lizzie too! "So, are you going to have any more children?" Well, yes we are, but that doesn't make up for the fact that Lizzie's gone. "It's God's will!" UGH! Who said? I don't think so! "God needed another angel in heaven." We need Lizzie here! Why can't people shut up if they don't know what to say! I really appreciated Matt and Lizzie's friends. Even Kate and Ethan came. They offered a tear or a hug, or brought tissue, rather than lame words. They may have been tongue tied or too frightened to say anything, but they did things right.

The funeral service was a blur. People said it was a "lovely service," whatever that means, but I don't remember a thing. All I kept thinking is that in a few minutes, we would be lowering my baby girl into the ground forever. That was ripping me to shreds inside. After the funeral was over, the funeral home director and our minister led us and our closest family and friends, including Lizzie and Matt's best friends, to the gravesite. I didn't hear a thing anyone said. Matt even said a few words. I am so proud of his courage under extreme grief. He sounded so grown up; he didn't even falter. I know I said a few words, but I don't remember any of it. It felt like I had an out of body experience or something like that. I stared at the casket the whole time, ticking down the minutes until Lizzie would be lowered into the ground. After the service, everyone gave the three of us space. We said our final farewells to Lizzie, and watched as the crane lowered the casket. The next thing I remember is Sam kneeling over me asking if I was awake. I guess I passed out. I suppose I'll have to tell him about the baby soon.

After the bereavement dinner, Sam drives Matt and I home. I walk upstairs and open Lizzie's bedroom door. It had been closed since the paramedics took my daughter from that room. As a force of habit, I knock on the door, "Lizzie, can I come in?" I ask. I could feel Sam behind me. I open the door, half way expecting Lizzie to be talking on the phone to Miranda or Gordo, but instead, I see the bloody sheets still on the bed, and my footprints on the carpet. Everything's soaked with her blood. Monday, we're going to need to call the cleaners. I don't think I can handle cleaning up my daughter's stuff. Eventually, Sam and I will have to go through Lizzie's belongings, but not today. Today, I just want to curl up on my bed with Lizzie's Mr. Snuggles and fall asleep forever. I pick up the stuffed pig, sit on the floor, and cry. I inhale. It smells like Lizzie; I don't ever want to wash it again. Sam sits on the floor behind me, and wraps me up in his embrace. "I miss Lizzie!" I cry. "I do too." "Why, Sam? Why did she do it?" "I don't know." "She left no note, nothing. I thought she was happy, Sam!" "I thought so too." "I mean, she went to Rome and had the time of her life, and then she started high school. She seemed to be so excited about being in high school." "I know." "She landed a spot in the honor choir, which is rare for a freshman, Isabella offered her a recording contract this summer, and I think she was dating Gordo. Her life seemed like it was going so well! What went wrong?" "I wish I knew, Jo." He holds me for a long time. I just want to scream! I look around the room, and lose it. "WHY, LIZZIE! WHY DID YOU DO IT? WHAT WAS SO AWFUL IN YOUR LIFE THAT YOU COULDN'T COME TO ME! YOUR DAD AND I WOULD HAVE DONE OUR BEST TO HELP! OH, GOD, SAM! OUR DAUGHTER IS DEAD! MY PRECIOUS BABY, THE DAUGHTER I GAVE BIRTH TO, TOOK A RAZOR TO HER SKIN AND SLASHED HERSELF UNTIL SHE BLED TO DEATH! I WANT MY LIZZIE BACK!" Sam holds me tight. I don't want him to let go. I feel like I'm going crazy. I didn't see Matt at the door. He saw the whole thing. How do I help him if I can't even help myself?


	4. Chapter 4

CHAPTER FOUR (MONDAY)

Today, the cleaners cleaned Lizzie's room. I didn't think there was anything worse than burying my daughter until now. This seemed so, you know, final. As long as Lizzie's room was a mess, perhaps this would just be a bad dream, but no dice. After the crew finshed, I walk into the room that once belonged to my daughter. It's the cleanest it's been in a long time. The blood stains are gone and it smells like carpet cleaner. We had the choice between unscented and vanilla. We chose the latter, but I think we should have gone with the former. I look around and think about the fact that in a few short months, this will no longer be the room of a teenaged girl, but a nursery to a newborn baby. I'm afraid of it being a girl. I'm afraid that if the baby's a girl, that we will unintentionally treat her as if she was a replacement Lizzie. I'm afraid of it being a boy. I loved having a girl. With Lizzie gone, it feels like our family is out of balance. I loved dressing Lizzie in cute dresses and fixing her hair with bows. I want that experience again. This baby will probably be our last. If it's a boy, I'll never get that experience again. Lizzie and I did so many girl things together. Sam and Matt did so many boy things together. We still have Matt, but Lizzie's gone. If this baby's a boy, I'll be alone. Sam will have Matt and the baby to do guy stuff together. I don't know what I want the baby to be, a boy or a girl. I just want Lizzie back. I still need to tell Sam. He still doesn't know about the baby. Lizzie's been dead nearly a week. I dread telling him. I dread telling Matt even more.

I hear the door. Matt must be home from school now. He heads upstairs. I close the door to Lizzie's, uh, the baby's room. I don't know if Matt's ready to see the room all cleaned up yet. I walk into his room. "How was your day, Matt?" I ask. "Okay, I guess." "Do you have any homework?" "Did it at school." "Do you want a snack or something?" "No." "I love you, Matt." "Love you too, mom." I reach out to touch him and he pulls back. "You wanna talk about it?" "Not really." "I'm here, if you need to talk." "Yeah, okay." I take that as my cue to leave his room.

Sam comes home from work later. He looks as if he hasn't slept in ages. He probably hasn't. He's had to take care of me all this time. He's been my rock. I love him so much. I pull him into an embrace and kiss him. "What would you like for dinner? We've got lazagna, baked chicken, tuna noodle casserole, you name it." "How about lazagna?" I heat it up and fix a salad. Dinner was quiet. I don't think we feel like talking much yet. When will our family return to some sort of normalcy? Our extended family left yesterday, which was fine by me. I love them dearly, but I'm so tired. I appreciated mom's help, however. She kept this house running the last few days. I look at Sam. He's the love of my life. I'm so lucky to be married to such a wonderful man. I look at Matt. I wish I could talk to him, know what he's thinking and feeling. He's usually a bundle of energy, a real firecracker, but he looks so sullen and sad. I look at the empty chair, Lizzie's chair. Will we ever know what happened? Will we ever know why she chose to leave us? This time last week, we were having dinner, laughing together. Matt pulled one of his usual jokes and Lizzie complained. They traded insults, and I thought I would scream from frustration. I would pay big money to have that all back; just to hear them trade insults once more would mean the world to me!


	5. Chapter 5

CHAPTER FIVE (WEDNESDAY)

A week ago, I found my baby girl dead. It hasn't been that long ago, but it seems like an eternity ago! I cried all day. I don't know if I can cry anymore. I think I've cried all I can. Sam stayed home from work today. We held each other the whole day long. My baby's been dead a whole week! We go to the gravesite. I think this is probably the best time to tell him about the baby. The gravestone is not here yet, so her grave looks so empty. We sit on the ground beside the grave, which holds my daughter, and reminisce. "Jo, remember when Lizzie got Mr. Snuggles? She was so cute. Those chubby little hands, clutching that stuffed pig. We couldn't get her to let it go." "She was so sweet. I remember her seventh birthday when she ate the 'Super Duper Sunday for Two' and then threw up all over her rug." "Or, when she and I went on that 'father daughter bonding' trip and she got stung by a bee?" "I'll never forget chaperoning for her school camp out and teepee-ing the boy's tent." "Yeah, you got permanently banned from all school field trips." We laugh together. It felt good to laugh. It seemed so long since we laughed together. I decide this is as good a time as ever to tell him about the baby. Somehow I feel like I'm about to betray Lizzie by telling him at her grave. However, I don't want Matt to overhear right now. I don't know if he could handle it right now. Anyway, I decide to bite the bullet and tell him. "Uh, Sam?" I begin. "Yes, honey?" "I need to tell you something. It's rather important." Sam looks at me concerned. "Sam, it's been a week since Lizzie died." "I know, where's this going?" "There was another message on the answering machine after we got home from the hospital." "Well, what is it?" I begin crying. Sam holds me close. "Sam, I feel like I'm betraying Lizzie!" "Where's this going, Jo?" "Ever since Lizzie died, Matt's been alone. I miss having a daughter. I know he misses his sister." "I miss her too, Jo. What's going on?" Sam looks so worried. "That answering machine message. It was Dr. James. Sam, she called to tell me that I'm pregnant," I said quickly, hoping he wouldn't hear. "What?" I regained my courage, "I'm pregnant, Sam. I'm gonna have a baby." Sam sat in silence. I know he was shocked. This was a lot to take in. He finally broke out of his stunned silence and smiles. "Jo, you're serious?" I nod, tentatively. "You're having a baby?" He smile widens. I stare at him, a bit shellshocked. Sam begins laughing, stands up and twirls me around, "We're having a baby. I love you so much, Jo!"

I was really surprised at Sam's reaction. I didn't think he would respond like that. "I love you too, Sam," I reply. I get serious for a moment. "Sam, I feel like somehow we're betraying Lizzie." "How? We've been trying to get pregnant." "I know, but I find out the same day my daughter died that I'm six weeks, well now seven weeks pregnant. Now, we'll be turning Lizzie's room into a nursery. Plus, I've told you this news at our daughter's grave." I begin crying. "Jo, look at me." I look away. "Jo, LOOK at me," he states firmly. He puts his hands on my shoulders, and continues, "You are in NO WAY betraying our daughter. It is NOT your fault that you found out about the baby when you did. It is NOT your fault that you found Lizzie that day. We don't know why Lizzie killed herself, but she did." I cry harder. "Jo, our daughter slashed her body with razor blades, bled out and died! She's dead, and we can't bring her back. We must move on." "I can't, Sam! I can't leave Lizzie!" "We're not leaving Lizzie. She left us. Moving on doesn't mean we don't love her. For whatever reason, she felt too much pain, but she loved us. She would have loved this baby. She would want us to go on with our lives, which means loving Matt and loving this baby." "Oh, Sam," I start. "Jo, we can love this baby. It won't take Lizzie's place, but we can love this baby." Sam holds me until quit crying. "Sam, when should we tell Matt?" "He's not going to take it well whenever we tell him. How about tonight?" "Tonight, it is." We stand up. I lay flowers on my daughter's grave, and we walk to the car together, hand in hand.

As soon as Matt came home from school, we greeted him at the door. "Matt, your mother and I need to talk." He looked at us with a puzzled expression on his face. "Come into the living room." "Mom, dad, what's going on?" Matt asked. I think he was afraid of another shoe dropping. "Matt," I begin, albeit a bit nervous, "you know we love you." "Yeah." "It's been a week since your sister died," Sam added. "No she didn't! My sister didn't die. She killed herself, like a loser!" "Matt," I begin. He starts to walk off. Sam stops him, "Matt, we need to talk." He sits back down. I look at Sam and he nods. "Matt, this week's been very hard on all of us. We're experiencing a difficult change for our family. When we got back from the hospital that day, there was a message on the answering machine." Matt cut me off, "Yeah, I know, the one from Miranda and Gordo. I heard that one, remember?" "No, there was another message, one from Dr. James," I begin. I take a deep breath, "Matt, I'm going to have a baby." Without saying a word, Matt stands up and walks off. "Matt," I begin. "Jo, just let him go." I put my head in my hands and cry. Sam pulls me into an embrace and cries with me. It's the first time I've seen him cry since that day.

A few minutes later, I knock on Matt's door. There's no response, so I open it to find he's not in there. "Jo, he's in here," Sam whispers. We knock on Lizzie's door. He doesn't respond, so I open the door. "Matt?" "Go away!" "Matt," I repeat. We enter the room. Matt is sitting on Lizzie's bed, clutching one of her pillows. He's trying to hide the fact that he's crying. "Matt, we know this is a lot to take in, and we're sorry."

"I miss Lizzie." I run my hand in his hair, "I do too, sweetie." "Why'd she do it, mom?" "I don't know. I wish I knew." "Didn't she love us anymore?" "Son," Sam adds, "she loved us very much." "Then, why did she cut herself?" "Wanna talk about it?" "Not really." "Matt," I add, "when we told you about the baby, you ran off. What are you thinking?" Matt looked angry, "What am I thinking? I'm thinking it's not fair! It's not fair that my sister was so selfish and wrapped up in herself, that she killed herself. It's not fair that she allowed you to find her like that. Now she's gone, and you're hauling in a replacement baby." "This baby is not a replacement for Lizzie. No one could take her place. No one could take your place either." "Yeah, right." Matt rolls his eyes. Sam interjects, "Your mother and I have wanted a third child for a couple years now." "Matt, I'm seven weeks pregnant; we didn't do this on purpose. If we'd known that Lizzie was going to do this, we probably would have waited to have another baby." Matt looks at us, "I know, it's just..." "It's just what, son?" Sam asks. "It's just, I miss Lizzie so much, and now without any time to get used to being without her, I find out there's another baby on the way." I cradle him in my arms, "I know, baby. I know."


	6. Chapter 6

_A/N---Please review. As one of my favorite writers on (psalm57) says, "I like reviews as much as Cookie Monster likes cookies!" Thanks and enjoy! _

CHAPTER SIX (ONE MONTH AFTER; FRIDAY)

Today, I cleaned out my daughter's room. It's been a month since Lizzie died. It's still hard to believe she's gone. Sam offers to help organize her stuff, but I want to do this myself. It helps me keep her close. I fold up her clothes to get them to donate to the local shelter. There's a big need for teenage and young adult clothes. Lizzie was so concerned about the plight of the earth and other people, so it made sense to donate them to those who needed them most. I keep out her favorite T-shirt though. I organize her jewelry and other stuff. I hold back a few things that Matt might want, some for the baby, and some for Gordo and especially Miranda. I find gifts that Lizzie bought for her friends, Christmas and birthday presents. She always bought early; she sure knew how to shop. I find gifts for me, Matt, and her father. They're wrapped up, so I leave them wrapped. I'll give them to the guys at Christmas and their birthdays; she would have wanted it that way. I pull out the red plastic triangle that she gave me when we were throwing pots. She had read the book _The Orchids and Gumbo Poker Club_ for class, and she wanted us to be best friends. It was one of the happiest times in my life. I really blew it when I told her about Nana's fight with Grandpa and our problems with the IRS we'd had the previous year. She freaked out. It was too much information too soon. I gave her the piece back and told her to give it to me when she was ready for us to be friends. I see that she had placed it on a silver chain. There's a card beside it. I pick the card up and read, "_Dear Mom, You asked me to keep this piece until I was ready for us to be friends. I'm ready now. I love you, Lizzie._" I put the necklace on and cry. "Oh Lizzie, why did you leave us? What hurt you so badly that you couldn't even tell us? Your father and I would have moved heaven and earth to help you. I wish you had come to us." I grab her diary and read her last entry. "_Dear Diary, I can't take it any more. I'm sorry. Lizzie._" I can't say another word. The tears take over instead. I guess I'll never know why my sweet little girl died.


	7. Chapter 7

CHAPTER SEVEN (THREE AND ONE HALF MONTHS LATER; TUESDAY)

Today, I found out Sam and I are having a girl. My ultrasound was today. I'm 24 weeks along, which is far enough along to see what the baby is. Sam and I debated a long time whether or not to find out. Part of me was curious, but the other part was afraid. Dr. James was so great. She knew about Lizzie and has been incredibly sympathetic toward us. Sam held my hand through the whole exam. Then the moment of truth. Dr. James put that cold gel on my abdomen. Sometimes I think she gets it straight from the refrigerator! It was so cold! She puts the instrument to my abdomen, and my baby appeared on the screen. I fell in love immediately. There was my baby. All of a sudden, everything was right in the world. Dr. James showed us the baby's spine, heart, and limbs. "Do you want to know what you're having?" she asked. Sam and I looked at each other and nodded. "It's a girl!" Suddenly, I feel a tear slide down my cheek. This is what I was afraid of. I'm excited, but scared too. Lizzie would have loved a sister. When I was pregnant with Matt, she begged me for a sister. She got her wish. I wish she was here to meet her. I look over at Sam, "We've got a daughter, Sam." He's grinning from ear to ear, "I hope she's as beautiful as her mother." I blush.

We get home before school lets out. I walk into what used to be Lizzie's room, and sit on the bed. The room is empty now, except for the furniture. The baby bed is unassembled by the wall, and the rocker is beside the window. The transformation from being a teenager's room to being a nursery is coming along, slowly but surely. Although I'm excited about the baby, part of me is sad. Sam knocks on the door. "Honey, are you okay?" I try to be strong, but I don't succeed. The tears flow and I shake my head. "Sam, it's a girl." "I thought you wanted a girl. Before you got pregnant, we talked about how much you missed getting to do those mother-daughter things you used to do with Lizzie, and that you felt kind of left out of the loop, since I have Matt, and Lizzie was in high school." "I do, I did. I don't know. That was before. Lizzie was alive then." He sat down beside me and put his hand on my abdomen, "This baby will be our little girl, just as Lizzie will always be our little girl. She will be our daughter on her own terms. She can never replace her sister. The only thing different than what we planned, is that Lizzie is not here any more." I feel a strange sensation and realize the baby is kicking. This is the first time I've felt my baby, my daughter kick. I start to laugh. "Sam, she's kicking!" "Wow! She's strong! I love you, Jo." He kisses me on the cheek. "I love you, too." "What should we name this little girl?" "Remember when I was pregnant with Matt? Lizzie was so funny. She wanted a sister so badly." "What was it she wanted to name the baby? It was something unusual." "It was something like Marin. I think one of her preschool friends was named Marin." "I like it. How about it, Jo?" "I like it too. What about for a middle name?" "How about Miranda? Lizzie always said if she had a little girl she wanted to name her after her best friend, Miranda." Sam smiles, "I like it. Marin Miranda McGuire." I make a face, "I want to put something spiritual with it instead. How about Faith? I want Marin to have a connection to her sister. How does Marin Faith McGuire sound?" "I like it. So, we're agreed?" I smile, "Yeah. Hi, Marin." I look down at my abdomen and stroke where my daughter is growing inside me. Now that we've named her, the baby seems so real. I hope Lizzie would be thrilled.

Matt knocks on the door. "Oh, hi Matt. I didn't hear you come in." "How was your day?" I ask. "Fine." "We had our ultrasound today. We found out what we're having." "I hope it's a boy. I want a brother." "It's a girl. Marin Faith McGuire," I announce. Matt frowns, "I was hoping for a boy." "Matt, Marin will never replace Lizzie. Is that what you're afraid of?" Matt stayed silent. I continued, "You know, Lizzie loved you so much, and she would have loved Marin just as much." "Well, then why did she do it, mom? If she really loved us, why did she kill herself?" "I don't know, Matt. I wish I knew." "I'm angry! Lizzie messed up our lives! She took the coward's way out and killed herself." Sam started to say something, but Matt cut him off, "She didn't just die. She wasn't in a car accident and she didn't die from cancer or something like that. No, she wasn't sick or in an accident. SHE TOOK RAZOR BLADES AND CUT HERSELF UNTIL SHE BLED TO DEATH! SHE WAS SELFISH! MOM, SHE LET YOU WALK IN HERE AND FIND HER ALL BLOODY AND COLD! I don't know if I can forgive her for that." The three of us held each other and cried until we couldn't cry anymore.


	8. Chapter 8

CHAPTER EIGHT (THREE MONTHS LATER, THURSDAY)

Today, Marin Faith McGuire came into the world. She's a beautiful baby; she looks a lot like Lizze. I felt sick all day yesterday. Nothing I ate agreed with me, and I was extremely tired. I stayed on the couch all day. Sam was such a sweetheart. He massaged my shoulders and back until I melted in his hands like butter. Yesterday was hard on Matt. I think he knew that the baby would be coming soon, because he was rather upset all day. He stayed locked up in Lizzie's, I mean, Marin's room for most of the afternoon. I still have to remind myself that although Sam and I lost a child, Matt lost his sister.

I went to bed early last night, but couldn't sleep at all. My back was killing me all night long. I settled down around one o'clock. My first contraction hit around three. It hit hard. I shook Sam, "Sam, wake up!" He didn't stir. "Sam, it's time." He still didn't stir. I was getting rather mad, and the contractions really hurt. "IT'S TIME, SAM!" He finally woke up. While I got dressed, Sam woke mom and Matt up. Then, it was off to the hospital. Sam drove like a maniac, and we were there in no time. When we got to the hospital, I was whisked into labor and delivery. I was about six centimeters already. I was going really fast. Sam got to the room shortly thereafter. I love that man so much!

Unfortunately, I wasn't able to get an epidural, so I went through labor and delivery without any pain medication. My labor went really quickly. I pushed for an hour and Marin was born at 6 in the morning. She weighed six pounds even and was nineteen inches long. She was the smallest out of the three. Matt was the biggest, topping out at ten and one-half pounds. Lizzie was seven four. When I heard Marin cry for the first time, I fell in love with her immediately. I haven't felt such joy in a long time. Sam was crying so hard, the nurses had to help him cut the cord. Dr. James put Marin on my chest, and immediately she held her little head up and looked me in the eyes. Here was my daughter! Sam and I had the time of our lives bonding with our daughter. "Sam," I began, "she's so beautiful!" "She is, just like her mother." Then, I said it, "She looks like Lizzie." I tried to stop the tears, but they just kept coming. Sam just held me as we looked at our daughter. Will we ever be able to think about Lizzie without being sad? It's only been seven and a half months.

Later this afternoon, mom brought Matt up to meet his sister. He was a mixture of joy and sorrow. Instantly, he fell in love with Marin, but there was such a void in the room. Lizzie should be here meeting her sister! However, today is Marin's day. Although the spectre of Lizzie's suicide was in the air, we managed to focus our energy into welcoming Marin into the world. Miranda and Gordo came to visit. I hadn't seen them since they threw me a baby shower. Their visit was bittersweet for all of us. Their presence made Lizzie's absence more obvious. The three of them would have been fawning over Marin and dreaming about becoming parents some day. Instead, they stayed for about five minutes or so. They brought the cutest gift basket, complete with a pastel green dress and a teddy bear. They're so thoughtful. I miss Lizzie's friends.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER NINE (TWO DAYS LATER, SATURDAY)

Today, we brought Marin home from the hospital. We left the hospital as a family of four. It was such a joyous occasion; I felt a bit guilty that I was happy, rather than being focused on missing Lizzie. I'm not betraying her, am I? I dressed Marin in a purple onezee with a hat and booties to match. She looked so cute! Matt bought the outfit. He's picked out some amazing clothes for his sister. Well, he is one amazing kid. The nurse wheeled Marin and I out of the hospital. There was no way I was going to let Sam wheel me; I didn't want to bump into any walls. I love the man dearly, but he can not navigate a wheelchair. Instead, he carried the gifts. Matt snapped pictures.

When we pulled into the driveway, I felt as if our family was once again complete. We were once again a family of four, with a son and a daughter. Mom had left the day before, but before she left, she stuck an "It's a Girl!" sign in the yard and decorated the door with pink crepe paper. It was so sweet of her! I took Marin out of the carseat and cradled her in my arms. "Welcome home, Marin," I told her. Sam held the front door for me, and Matt took more pictures. I carried her throughout the house, introducing her to her new home. I didn't want to let her go. I was afraid that if I did, I would wake up, and Marin wouldn't be here.

It was so healing for me when I took Marin to the nursery, Lizzie's old room. This is the way it's supposed to be. My daughter is to grow up in this room. I sat in the rocker, just as I had done with Lizzie, and rocked my daughter. I told her all about her family, including her sister, Lizzie, and shared my hopes and dreams for her. I want Marin to grow up to be a happy and peaceful young woman. I prayed that the demons which haunted Lizzie would not haunt Marin. Sam stood in the doorway, watching us for a long time. I think he was taking all of this in. He eventually walked over and knelt down beside us. He kissed Marin on the top of her head, and then he gave me a passionate kiss on the lips. "I love you, Jo," he began, "thank you for making me the happiest man in the world." "I love you, too." "Marin's so beautiful." "She is, isn't she?" "But not as beautiful as her mother." He really knows how to make me blush. We both notice the picture of Lizzie on the dresser. I speak first, "Remember when we brought Lizzie home for the first time?" "Yeah. I couldn't believe we could make something so amazing." "We did. She was amazing. I miss her. I wish Marin could know her." "Me, too. But, maybe Lizzie is up in heaven watching over her sister. I don't know." I smile at that thought, "I don't know if I believe in guardian angels, but I hope Marin will find her own connection with Lizzie." We placed our daughter in the bassinet that Lizzie and Matt used. I can't help but feel joy and delight in this little girl of mine. She's so precious. I want to show her what's right in the world and protect her from what's wrong in it.


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N----Please review. Like it? Don't like it? Let me know. I'd like to know how I can improve my writing skills, as I'm relatively new to fanfiction.3 reviews is rather discouraging. Thanks._

CHAPTER TEN (THE NEXT DAY, SUNDAY)

Today, we took Marin to Lizzie's grave. On the way to the cemetery, we bought some pink carnations, Lizzie's favourite. I still can't believe it's been seven and a half months since Lizzie died. Today was a perfect day, except for the fact that we took our baby girl to her sister's grave for the first time. The sun was shining and the weather was mild. I carried Marin to the gravesite, and Sam and Matt followed just a bit behind. Sam spread a blanket down on the ground next to Lizzie. The headstone had finally come in and was placed. It seemed so final. Matt took a piece of paper and used a pencil to make a rubbing of the headstone. Elizabeth Brooke McGuire, 1987-2003. There my daughter lay for all eternity, just barely fifteen years old.

We reminisced about the good times we had with Lizzie. "Sam," I began, "remember when we took the kids to Grubby Gulch for the first time? She was so cute when she asked us to play the 'mayer miano,' and she would sing 'Oh Suzanna'." "Yeah, she put a napkin on her head and called it her bonnet." "In about four years, we'll get to take this little one to Grubby Gulch." Sam smiled. I continued, "How about the time when Lizzie thought there were monsters in her closet." "I had so much fun helping her chase them away." Matt joined in, "I remember making that velcro wall for the school carnival. By the way, mom, that was a great idea! When Lizzie tried it out, it tipped over, and she fell on dad." I cracked up. "Hey," Sam retorted, "it's not funny!" "Yes it is, dad!" It felt good to laugh. For the first time, I didn't feel like I was betraying Lizzie. For the first time since Lizzie's death, Matt was smiling. He hasn't been able to mention her name really, and today he was sharing some good times he had with his sister.

I placed a hand on the headstone and traced the engraving with my finger. The headstone is shaped like a heart. We had a picture on both corners of the stone; the one on the left was of when she was a baby, and the one on the right was from her debut at the Colusseum. I think that was one of the happiest times in her life. She looked so grown up on stage. My baby was up on stage singing with a famous Italian pop star. I didn't know she could sing and dance like that. I looked down at Marin, who was sleeping peacefully, and began talking to both of my daughters. "Lizzie, this is your sister, Marin. She looks so much like you did when you were born. I wish you had stayed around so you could have met her. You would have loved her, Lizzie. I miss you so much, sweetheart. Marin, this is your sister, Lizzie. She would have loved you so much. She wanted a sister since I was pregnant with your brother, Matt. In a way, she named you. She wanted a sister named Marin. Even when we told her Matt was going to be a boy, she called him Marin. One of her friends in preschool was named Marin. Sweetie, Lizzie was good and kind, and she really cared about people. I hope you grow up to be just as loving and kind as she was."

All too soon, it was time to go back home. Marin was getting fussy, so I knew she needed to be fed. After I finished feeding her and I put her down for a nap, Sam, Matt, and I watched home movies for the rest of the afternoon. We hadn't done that in a long time. There, on screen, Lizzie was healthy and happy, so alive. There were Christmas and birthday videos where she opened presents and blew out candles. We have lots of video of Lizzie holding Matt when he was a baby. I can't believe that was thirteen years ago. Matt's now in seventh grade at Hillridge, and up to his usual pranks. He, Lanny and Melina are like the three muskateers, not unlike how Lizzie, Gordo and Miranda were. Oh, how time flies!


	11. Chapter 11

CHAPTER ELEVEN (THREE MONTHS LATER, CHRISTMAS DAY)

Christmas. It's the first Christmas without Lizzie, and Marin's first Christmas. I think having Marin has been a healing presence. Yes, we did feel a void without Lizzie there, but we were able to celebrate this milestone in Marin's life. She needs a life apart from Lizzie; so much of her life has been tied to her sister. I found out I was pregnant with her the day Lizzie died, she's using Lizzie's room, and she still looks almost exactly like Lizzie did as a baby.

We did reminisce about Christmases with Lizzie. The float she made in eighth grade, "Rock and Roll Christmas," was priceless. She was in shock when she saw it was finished. She sacrificed working on the float to help us fix the plumbing in the retirement home. Seeing Aerosmith's Steven Tyler dressed up as Santa on the float was icing on the cake for her. That Christmas, Aaron Carter's video debuted. Lizzie, Miranda, and Matt were so cute in the video. Too bad Sam and I wound up in a holding cell, trying to get Lizzie and her friends (who were causing trouble on the set)! Lizzie's stocking hung with the rest of the family's. Mom made the kids' stockings when they were born and she followed suit for Marin. Yes, Sam made us dress up as Santa and his elves for our annual Christmas picture. Somehow this year, it didn't seem quite so lame. I dressed Marin in a Mrs. Claus dress. She looked so cute! There's just something about a baby at Christmas.

Opening presents was festive as usual. I handed out presents Lizzie had bought for everyone. She even had a present for the baby. How did she know? Sometimes I think that child had a sixth sense. I made sure Lizzie's friends got their Christmas presents as well. Miranda and Gordo are so sweet. They had Christmas presents for Matt and Marin. They're dating now. I'm not surprised. I think they relied on each other to get through this. They're pregnant. Miranda told me that if it's a girl, she and Gordo want to name her after Lizzie. I feel honored and know Lizzie would have been thrilled. Hmm, would have been thrilled. It's almost been a year, but it seems like forever.


	12. Chapter 12

CHAPTER TWELVE (ONE MONTH LATER, ONE YEAR SINCE, THURSDAY)

Today marks the anniversary of Lizzie's suicide. There, I can finally say the word, but it still hurts. Matt ran down the stairs as he usually does every morning. Sometimes I swear he has ADHD! I still expect Lizzie to come down the stairs, not far behind him, complaining about some prank he pulled. However, she's not coming down those stairs anymore. I go upstairs to my daughter's room. The memories still haunt me, of opening the door and finding her lying there in a pool of her own blood. I blink my eyes and see my daughter, Marin, lying in her crib very much alive. She looks so sweet. I walk over to her crib and see her smiling face. "Hi, sweetheart! Do you want up?" It's time for her feeding, so I pick her up and carry her to the rocker. Marin's such a cuddle bug, like her brother was when he was a baby. I look around the room and try to remember how everything was arranged last year. It's hard to picture it; I'm forgetting little details. Where was her dresser? I think it was over there, but I'm not sure. After I finish feeding Marin, I bundle her up and take Matt to school. I realized we need to spend some time together, just the two of us. I know we have, because of our own grief and preparing for Marin, neglected Matt. It wasn't intentional, but he got lost in the shuffle. He and Sam have been able to stay close, but I've been distant. Since I can't leave Marin alone for any length of time, we decided that we'll go to the movies on Saturday. Sam can keep Marin, and I can come home to feed her. Matt wants to see the new horror flick. I'm not crazy about horror movies, but at least we can spend some time together. It's worth it.

After dropping Matt off at school, Marin and I went to the cemetary. We brought more flowers to put in the vase and cleared out the old ones. I felt the need to be with my daughters. This wasn't exactly the mother-daughters outing I wanted, but... I told Lizzie about Miranda and Gordo, and about Matt's latest antics. He wound up with detention this week for a whopper of a prank. He stuffed pingpong balls in this guy, Stephen, his "arch nemesis" (as Matt puts it) locker, and greased the lock with Vaseline. Then, he put liquid Silicone on Stephen's chair and covered him with Post-it notes. I still want to know where he got Silicone? In addition, he resumed his bookie ways. That kid is clever, but full of mischief. I think the only reason why he got caught is because Melina was out sick with the flu. The pair together is unstoppable. They'll either marry some day or will have a huge blow up and never speak to one another again. I'm hoping for the former, I like her. But, he's only 13, I don't want him to grow up too fast. I always thought Lizzie and Gordo would get together and marry some day. They got especially close in Rome. "Oh Lizzie, what happened? Why did you do it?"

This afternoon, I received a phonecall from Miranda and Gordo. They called to tell me they were thinking about us today. They also sent flowers, which were lovely. They're having a girl, so they're naming her Elizabeth Miranda Gordon. They want to call her Lizzie. Sixteen's awfully young to be having a baby, but I'm happy for them. I hope everything works out well for them. I also received a call from Dr. James. She told me she was thinking about us today, and hoped that we were doing okay. I think we are. She also delivered a big piece of news. I'm pregnant. Again. Dr. James said my hormone levels were high; I might be carrying twins. Talk about deja vu, well, not the twins part. It was this time last year that I found out I was pregnant with Marin. Sam's gonna flip. I'll tell him tonight. I'm about six weeks along, so we'll be celebrating Marin's first birthday about the time I'll be giving birth to twins. We were NOT planning on any more kids after Marin.

Matt ate dinner early so I fixed a candlelight dinner (sans Gnomes) for the two of us. I think we need some more romance in our lives. Sam got home a little later than usual; he stopped by the gravesite too. He needed some alone time with Lizzie. I fixed Sam's favourite dinner and dressed the table with the good china, silverware and napkins. We talked some about the good times with Lizzie. "Remember when Lizzie competed in the Rhythmic Gymnastics Regional competition?" Sam began. "She was so good at it. I was sorry that she didn't enjoy it; I thought she would go far with it." "Or when Matt handcuffed himself to her and she wanted to go to the charity drive." "They never figured out that I had the key." "How about when Matt ended up at Lizzie's school by mistake, so he pretended to be a new student." "Lizzie was so mad at him!" "How about when Lizzie became an environmentalist?" "She drove everyone crazy." "We did have some good times with her." "We sure did, Jo." "I miss her, Sam. I miss her so much! Why'd she do it?" "I don't know, honey. I don't think we'll ever know." We held each other for a long time and cried. I didn't know how I was going to tell him about the baby, or shall I say, babies.

I decided to just go ahead and tell him, so I thought. "Sam, Gordo and Miranda called today." "Oh?" "Yeah. They also sent the flowers." "That was really sweet of them. I really miss seeing them." "So do I. They also called to tell us that they're having a girl." "I can't believe they're having a baby. They're so young." "I know. I can't imagine being sixteen and having a family. Anyway, they asked if they could name her Elizabeth Miranda, and call her Lizzie." "Lizzie would like that." "I know. That's what I told them."

I took a deep breath. Sam saw my worried look, "Jo, what is it?" "Dr. James called too." "What did she want?" "She remembered about Lizzie and wanted to express her condolences." "That was really nice of her." "Yeah it was. There's also something else." "What? Don't tell me you're pregnant." I looked at him and didn't say a word. Suddenly, he looked as if he was in shock, "You're pregnant, aren't you?" I nodded. I was in shock myself. I finally got the nerve to speak, "She said it looks like I'm having twins. They're due around Marin's birthday." Sam was speechless. After a few seconds, which seemed like an eternity, he finally found his voice, "Twins!" I nodded again. A smile spread across his face. He picked me up and twirled me around, "We're having twins! I love you, Jo." "I love you, too."


	13. Chapter 13

CHAPTER THIRTEEN (FOUR YEARS LATER; FIVE YEARS AFTER)

I can't believe it's been five years since Lizzie's suicide. It's still painful to think about, but the pain isn't as raw as it used to be. Matt's graduating from high school this spring. He and Melina are engaged. They're getting married this summer. We were hoping they would wait, but Matt's got a great job lined up after their Senior trip, and Melina's taking some college courses at the local university. They're also pregnant. When they told us, Sam hit the roof. The baby's due any day now. It's a girl, Elizabeth JoAnn (Bethany). We're going to babysit while they go on the Senior Trip. I still can't believe Matt's going to be a father. He was such a cut up, and dabbled in marijuana and cocaine until last school year. Both of them got serious when they started going steady. He quit the drugs when Melina told him about the baby. She gave him an ultimatum, shape up or he'd never see the baby. I always liked that girl. I hope they'll stay off the drugs and concentrate on their little girl. I don't want to lose another child. Lanny still hangs out with them; he still doesn't say much, however. Does that boy even know how to talk?

The twins arrived on Marin's birthday. I went into labor right in the middle of the party. Benjamin (Ben) Samuel and Brooke JoAnn were born shortly before midnight, so all three of the youngest McGuire kids share the same birthday. Marin will turn four this year and the twins will be three. Marin and Lizzie Gordon, Gordo and Miranda's daughter, are in the same preschool class. They've been playmates since they were babies. They had a son two years later, David Zephyr Gordon Junior. He and the twins are playmates as well. The five of them play well together. At first, I was a bit weirded out going to the park with Miranda, since she and Lizzie had been best friends, but by the time the twins were born, it felt right. It was a bit awkward the first time I told Gordo and Miranda to call me Jo instead of Mrs. McGuire. It took some getting used to, but it's nice. I missed those kids.

We still don't know why Lizzie chose to commit suicide. We don't know what drove her to it. I'm sitting here at the gravesite, as I do every anniversary. It seems so long ago, but it's only been five years. Matt missed getting the guidance he needed from his older sister. Perhaps if she'd still been alive, he might not have gotten tangled up in drugs. We try to tell the younger three about their older sister. It's not the same, but we felt they needed a connection with their sister. That's one reason why we named the girls after Lizzie, Faith (a spiritual connection) and Brooke (Lizzie's middle name).

I think the trials Sam and I experienced these last five years has both worn us down and made us stronger. Shortly after the twins were born, Sam lost his job. We were down to our last penny when he got a new job. I got diagnosed with ovarian cancer while I was pregnant with the twins. Since I couldn't receive treatment while pregnant, it spread. I nearly died. I finally got in remission last year. The stress and trauma of all these changes nearly cost Sam and I our marriage. I don't blame our trials on Lizzie; she didn't cause the job loss, my cancer, or Matt's drug use, but it sure didn't help things. Suicide doesn't just affect the person who attempts or completes the act, but it affects the whole family and friends too. Miranda and Gordo's marriage wasn't smooth sailing either. Probably if Lizzie had still been alive, they wouldn't have gotten pregnant in the first place. I wish Lizzie were still here, but I don't wish Lizzie and David Gordon or Ben and Brooke or Bethany away. Who knows if the twins or Matt's daughter would have existed either.

Lizzie, I don't know why you did it, but you're gone. None of us can change that. I wish that you had come to me or someone else you trusted with your pain. Perhaps we could have helped you. It's a permanent solution to a temporary pain. I miss you, sweetheart. I miss your smile, your singing voice (I didn't even know you could sing until Rome), your plucky personality, and your kind heart. I hope the pain you felt is gone, and that you're resting peacefully. I love you so much. Your father loves you, and so does your brother Matt. Your other sisters and brother wish they could have met you. Perhaps someday we'll all be together again. Honey, I gotta go, my phone's ringing. It's Matt. Melina's in labor. Matt's taken her to the hospital. It looks like Bethany will be born today, turning this sad day into something happy. Today will be more than just the anniversary of my first child's death, but the anniversary of my first grandchild's birth. As I walk away from the cemetary, I stop and look at her grave. I swear I can see your smiling face in the horizon. I love you darling. I'll see you again someday, and I'll be back to visit here too. Love always, JoAnn McGuire, wife to Sam McGuire, mother to Elizabeth, Matthew, Marin, Benjamin and Brooke McGuire, and grandmother to Elizabeth JoAnn McGuire.

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Continues as "Moving on After Loss"


	14. Chapter 14

MOVING ON AFTER LOSS

_A/N--this is a companion story (not a sequel, really) to Jo's Loss. This takes place between the 1st anniversary and 5th anniversary of Lizzie's suicide. This is taken from Sam's point of view. Rated M._

CHAPTER FOURTEEN

ONE YEAR AFTER LIZZIE'S DEATH (THURSDAY)

It's been a year since we lost Lizzie. This year's been a blur. I'll never forget seeing Jo cradling our dead daughter and crying, "She's dead! She's dead!" That was the worst day of my life. Jo looked so shattered and helpless, it took all my strength not to run out of the room myself. But Jo needed me. She's normally a strong woman, but this just shattered her for a long time. When the doctor at the ER told us there was nothing he could do to save Lizzie, Jo crumpled to the floor and wailed. That cut me to the core. Matt and I had to pick her up and just about walk her to the morgue to view Lizzie's body.

Grieving over Lizzie, taking care of Jo, and preparing for Marin's birth took time away from Matt. I know we neglected him; it shows. He's a different kid from a year ago, a little sadder and he seems a bit lost. Although he still enjoys his pranks, he's a different kid from the way he used to be. I need to spend some good father/son time with him. I spent so much time in my own grief and stress that I forgot that Matt was grieving. I lost my child, but he lost his sister. I hope we can help him

Marin's been a healing presence and a joy to our lives. We wanted a third child, and in some ways, the excitement of preparing for her arrival seemed to lessen some of my pain over Lizzie. Jo was so worried and afraid when we found out the baby was a girl. I know she's afraid of turning Marin into a replacement Lizzie, but she won't. It was hard for her to bond with the baby at first. She had bonded with Lizzie and Matt immediately upon finding out she was pregnant. Marin was a different story. When Jo told me she was pregnant, I was ecstatic, but she was conflicted. To her, being pregnant felt like a betrayal to Lizzie. Maybe that's a mom thing, I don't know. I was excited about the baby, and Jo looked absolutely beautiful when she told me the good news. God, I love that woman. She was a trooper giving birth to Marin, going through the whole process without pain medication. I'm such a wuss when it comes to pain. I think a paper cut is major! When I got to hold Marin for the first time, I thought I was going to bust with pride. I had a gorgeous wife, a great son, and a beautiful baby daughter. Life felt so perfect.

Things are so different now. Lizzie should be a sophomore in high school hanging out with her best friends, but she's gone and her friends are expecting a baby of their own. They're having a girl, Elizabeth Miranda, "Lizzie". We hear from them from time to time. They sent us flowers today. I miss those kids. Matt's in seventh grade at Hillridge Middle school. He, Melina and Lanny are still the Three Muskateers. The three of them are unstoppable. We have a four and a half month old daughter, who is daddy's little princess. Tonight, Jo told me she's pregnant again. I stopped by the cemetary after work. I needed to be with my little girl; I still can't believe she's gone and it's been a year. When I got home, Jo had a romantic candlelight dinner fixed for just the two of us. Matt was over at Lanny's working on a project and Marin was asleep. We haven't had much time to ourselves in a long time. We reminisced a little about Lizzie. Then she told me about Gordo and Miranda. I suspected there was something she needed to tell me, but she was stalling. I was worried about her; she looked scared. I was afraid that another shoe was going to drop, so when she told me about the baby, I was both relieved and excited. We weren't planning on having a fourth child, but it is a nice surprise. Dr. James suspects we're having twins, due around Marin's birthday. Wow! Five children. I was in shock. When I regained my bearings, I picked her up and twirled her around. I love that woman.


	15. Chapter 15

CHAPTER FIFTEEN

THREE AND A HALF MONTHS LATER (TUESDAY)

Jo and I found out we're having a girl and a boy. Hmm one of each. Jo's really excited. She lay on the examination table, mesmerized at the ultrasound screen. "Oh Sam, look at them!" she glowed. It was an incredible sight seeing my twins on screen. I never tire at seeing my children's ultrasound pictures. It was just as amazing as seeing the older three for the first time. With Lizzie, she made us parents for the first time. It was so new to us. With Matt, we pretty much thought he was going to be our last baby, so it was a feeling of completion for us. We had a wonderful three year old daughter, and then we were having a son. It was something straight out of Hallmark or something. With Marin, it was bittersweet. I was excited about having another daughter; Lizzie was such a neat kid and I loved having a daughter. Marin gave me another chance to do all those great father/daughter things I enjoyed with Lizzie. However, it was also sad. Lizzie and Marin would never know each other. Now, we're having twins. There they are, on screen, my son and my daughter. In four short months, we'll be a family of six, er seven. I never know how to answer people when they ask me how many children I have. Do I have two or do I have three? Do I have two daughters or do I have one? Will I have four children or five? It makes my head hurt. "Aren't they beautiful?" Jo asks. I can't answer; all I can do is stare at the screen. They are beautiful; I'm just in shock.

After we return home, Jo asks me about names. "What do we want to name them?" she asks. "I'm not sure." "I want to name our son after you, Samuel Dean Junior." "I was never crazy about the name Dean. How about, since we named Matt after my father, that we name this one after yours? How does Benjamin Samuel sound?" "I love it! We can call him Ben." She smiles really big; she's got such a pretty smile. "I want to name our daughter after you and Lizzie. I want her to have a connection with her sister, as Marin does." "Elizabeth JoAnn? I don't think I could handle that, Sam." She looks sad. "No," I corrected, "Brooke JoAnn, or JoAnn Brooke." She breathes a sign of relief, "I like Brooke JoAnn. I think Lizzie would like that." "Well then, Ben and Brooke, it is!" I place a gentle kiss on her lips, "I love you so much." We snuggle on the couch until Matt returns from school. "Eww, get a room!" he remarks and walks off. It's nice to see him acting more like his normal self, so we decide to toy with him a bit. We pretend that we're making out on the couch, which turns him a nice shade of green. He's thirteen years old; I hope he's not into girls yet. Still, at his age, it turned me a bit green when I saw my parents show any kind of affection like that. Matt was thouroughly grossed out, which made Jo and me crack up. I pull her into a deep kiss. Suddenly, Jo gets a surprised look on her face, "Sam, I think the babies are kicking." I grin. She puts my hand on her abdomen. "I think they're gonna be soccer players." "Just as long as Ben doesn't take up football, they can be anything they want. I don't want my baby boy getting hurt," Jo remarks. "Should we tell Matt what we're having or keep it to ourselves?" "I'd rather keep it to ourselves. I don't want to tell anyone; let 'em find out when they're born."


	16. Chapter 16

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

ONE MONTH LATER (FRIDAY)

Our world came crashing down today. Jo was diagnosed with ovarian cancer. She'd been feeling sick for the last six weeks or so. She thought it was just pregnancy related nausea until she started bleeding. Last week, Thursday, I think, it was so bad, she thought she was losing the twins. I woke up to Jo screaming in the bathroom, doubled in pain at around 2 in the morning. "Sam, help me!" I rush into the room, "What's wrong?" "I'm losing the twins! I gotta go to the hospital." I help her to the car and we rush to the hospital. She was crying in pain the whole time. I pull up to the door and rush into the ER. "My wife, she's in the car, pain. Think she's having a miscarriage. Help!" A team of nurses rushes to the car with a gurney. They put her on it and race into the ER. I park the car and run into the waiting room.

After the doctor stablizes Jo, Dr. James admits her to the hospital. "Mr. McGuire, Jo's not losing the babies." "Well then," I ask, "what's wrong with my wife?" "She's lost a lot of blood, and we're admitting her for tests and observation." "What about Marin? Jo's breastfeeding her." "If you want, we can get Jo a pump, or there are some good formulas I can recommend. She can feed the baby tonight, if she wants." "So," I ask again, "what's wrong with her?" "When I was examining her, I found a mass. I don't know what it is, so I want to run some tests. She's sleeping now, so we'll run them in the morning." "Thanks, doctor." I entered Jo's room. She was sleeping peacefully. I called Matt and let him know what was going on. I kissed Jo on the forehead and she woke up. "Sam," she asked groggily, "wha, what's? Are the babies all right?" "They're fine." "What's wrong with me?" "I don't know. Dr. James is going to run some tests in the morning. How are you feeling?" "Like I got run over by a train. I need Marin. It's time for her feeding." "I'm going to go get her now. Just rest now. I'll be back soon. I love you, honey." Jo closes her eyes and drifts back to sleep. I feel like I've been ripped to shreds.

Matt's waiting for me when I get home. "Dad, is mom okay?" "I don't know, son." He looks worried and afraid. "Matt, if you don't want to go to school tomorrow, I'll write you a note." "Thanks, but that's okay. I've got a test tomorrow anyway." Marin starts crying. I enter her room, "Hey sweetheart. Are you hungry?" I pick her up and get her changed. Matt comes in with a bottle of water, "Here dad." "Thanks." I feed Marin her bottle while Matt gets her things together. I bundle the baby up, say goodbye to Matt, and head back to the hospital.

Dr. James came into Jo's room around 8 in the morning. "Mrs. McGuire, how are you feeling today?" "Tired." "I need to get a biopsy and a CAT scan this morning. If you're feeling better, you can go home this afternoon." "Will it hurt the babies?" "No, we'll use some lidocaine so the needle won't hurt. CAT scans don't use much radiation, so there won't be any significant exposure there. First of all, I'll need you to drink this coctail." Jo takes a sip and gags. "I know, it's gross, but I'm sorry. Drink it slowly." Jo nods and takes another sip. "Are you ready?" Jo shakes her head and throws up on the bed. "I'm sorry," she shuddered. "It's okay, sweetie," I smooth her hair back from her face, "we'll get you cleaned up." I help her to the bathroom while the nurses change her sheet. "Sam, I don't know if I can drink the stuff." "We'll talk to the doctor. Don't worry." She changes into a clean gown and I walk her back to her bed. Dr. James comes back into the room. "Mrs. McGuire, we can give you an IV instead of the coctail. I'll be right back." A nurse administers the IV, "Here's some water. Dr. James said we can use the water for the contrast CAT scan." Jo drinks the water. "I'll be back in half an hour to get you." Jo nods.

"Sam, I'm worried." "About what, honey?" "I'm worried that something's wrong." I sit on the bed and wrap my arms around her, "Jo, I don't know if anything's wrong, but if there is, we'll get through this together." Marin starts crying. "Sam, pass me the baby. She needs to be fed." I pass the baby and a bottle to Jo. Marin cries harder and refuses the bottle. "I want to breastfeed her so badly." "I know, but let's wait until the doctor gives us the okay. Pass her to me. I'll try." She passes me the baby. "Hey, kiddo, it's breakfast time." I stroke her cheek and she accepts the bottle. While I'm feeding Marin, the nurse walks in. "Are you ready?" the nurse asks. Jo nods, and the nurse helps her into the wheelchair.

The CAT scan and biopsy take about 2 hours. Marin and I are asleep when Jo returns from her tests. The nurse helps her into bed. "How are you feeling?" I ask her. She closes her eyes, "Like I could throw up buckets." She promptly throws up. The nurse and I clean her up. "I'm thirsty," she whispers. "Could she have some ginger ale or something?" I ask the nurse. She nods and returns with a can, cup and straw. "The doctor will stop by in a few minutes." "Thanks," I reply. Jo sips her drink. "How's Marin?" she asks. "She's fine; she's been sleeping. Speaking of sleep, why don't you try and get some sleep?" She nods and drifts off.

The doctor stops by an hour later and tells us that she did find a large mass. "What do you think it is?" I ask. "I don't want to guess, but it doesn't look good. I'm sorry." Jo and I sit in stunned silence. The doctor continues, "The results will be back next Friday. Let's set you up an appointment." We nod. "I'll stop by in another hour. If you're feeling better by then, you can go home." "When can I breastfeed Marin again?" "Wait about 2 days, so the contrast dye will work out of your system. I'll give you some formula to tide you over."

It was a hard 10 days. We hoped for the best, but feared the worst. The worst happened. Jo's appointment with Dr. James was this morning. After the doctor examined Jo, she led us into her office. I had a feeling this was not good news. "Your test results came back," the doctor begins, "and I'm sorry, it's ovarian cancer." I sat in shock and Jo began crying, but not saying anything. I felt like I was frozen to my seat. The doctor continues, "It's Stage IIIC, which means that the cancer has spread to your abdomen and has entered your lymphatic system. We have two choices, deliver the babies early and begin chemotherapy or wait until the babies are born and start treatment after their birth." Jo reaches for my hand, "Are, are you sure?" "The CAT scan indicates that it's in your right ovary, in your abdominal cavity, and in the surrounding lymph nodes." "What do you recommend?" I ask. "Mrs. McGuire, I'd like to admit you to the hospital Monday to remove the ovary and lymph nodes. There's some risk of losing the babies, but I'll do my best." Jo nods and takes a breath, "What are my chances? I mean, what are my chances of beating this?" "I don't like to give out odds, but I will be honest with you. It's going to be a hard fight. I've seen people come back and beat it, so it's not impossible." Dr. James pauses to let us take the information in. "I want to see you for monthly ultrasounds so I can keep a check on the cancer. If I were you, I would wait until the babies are born to start chemotherapy. I don't want to take the babies early." Jo nodded. She's such a strong woman. I just sat there in silence, not really hearing what the doctor said.

We left the office and drove home in silence. Neither of us wanted to speak. First, I lost my oldest daughter, and now I might lose my wife. It's more than I can bear right now. We sat on the couch, held each other, and cried until Matt came home from school. We decided to go ahead and tell him. "Matt, your mom and I need to talk to you. Can you come into the living room?" "What's wrong?" "Your mother's tests came in today." "Mom, are you okay?" Jo closes her eyes, shakes her head, and I continue, "Matt, your mother has ovarian cancer." Tears well up in his eyes. Jo reaches to stroke his head and he pulls away. "Mom? Are you going to die?" "I'm going to do my best not to." "What did the doctor say exactly?" "The cancer has spread to my lymph nodes and abdomen. I'm having surgery on Monday." "What about the twins? Will they be okay?" "Dr. James is going to do her best, but there are no guarantees." Matt begins crying and hugs Jo, "Lizzie's gone. I can't lose you or the twins, mom!" She cradles him, "Oh baby, if I have anything to say about it, I'm not going anywhere." "Will you have to do chemotherapy?" "After the babies are born." The three of us hold each other, it seems, for an eternity.

It's late and Jo and I lay in bed. Neither of us can speak. Instead, I hold her while she cries. "Sam, I'm scared," she cries, "What's gonna happen to me?" "I don't know, but we'll do the best we can to get you well." Jo turns and looks at me, "If anything happens to me..." "Jo, don't talk like that." "No, Sam, I have to. If I lose this battle, I want to know that you and the kids will be okay." "We will be." "I'm worried about Matt. Lizzie has been gone for just a little over a year, Marin is eight months old, we're having twins, and now this. I don't know how much more he can take. He seems so fragile." I hold her and we eventually fall asleep.


	17. Chapter 17

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

THREE MONTHS LATER, THE BIRTH OF THE TWINS

Today, my beautiful wife gave birth to healthy twins. Now, our youngest three children share the same birthday; they are exactly a year apart in age. Jo threw a really fun party for Marin. She went all out. I think some of that was to distract herself from the cancer. In addition, it's not every day that your child turns a year old; it's an important milestone. Gordo, Miranda, and their daughter, Lizzie, came to the party. It's funny, but we've gotten really close to those kids since Lizzie's suicide. They were so good and supportive through our grief, even though we knew they were grieving as well. My mother and Jo's parents and Jo's sister, Dianne and her family came up for the party as well. It was nice to have some family members up to celebrate Marin. They'd been to Matt and Lizzie's first birthday parties as well. Jo dressed Marin in a pretty pink dress, which had been Lizzie's when she was a year old; she looked like a little princess.

Jo hadn't been feeling well today. She thought it was either indigestion or nausea from the cancer. Although the surgery and antinausea medication helped stave off most of the nausea, she still had some. It was hard for her to keep food down, so she had lost a lot of weight. Still, Jo looked absolutely radiant, but she would definitely disagree. Maybe it's a mom thing, but she never found herself attractive when she was pregnant. However, I found her incredibly attractive. When I woke up this morning, I heard her throwing up in the bathroom; it was an almost daily ocurrance. "How are you feeling, honey?" She rolled her eyes at me. "Why don't you go lie down and I'll get you some breakfast?" "No breakfast. I don't think I could keep it down." "Are you sure?" She nods and shifts in bed, "Oh, my back hurts." "Here, slide over and I'll give you a massage." "Thanks."

Matt comes in with Marin. "I think she needs to be fed." "Matt," I ask, "Could you feed her a bottle?" "No," Jo answered, "That's okay, I'll feed her." She takes Marin and feeds her. "Matt, could you take the cake out of the freezer and bring up some soda crackers and Ginger Ale for your mom, please?" "Sure." Matt leaves. "Jo, are you going to feel up to having the party today?" "I'll be fine; I'll just keep some crackers nearby."

Marin turned one with a smash. Jo helped opened her presents and then we served the cake. I don't know who had the better time, my wife or my daughter. Jo had baked a vanilla cake with white icing and pink roses. She gets all out for birthday parties. Marin shoved her fist in her piece of cake and smeared it all over her face. Jo lifted Marin out of her high chair and doubled over. I rush over and take Marin, "Jo, are you okay?" She shakes her head as she doubles over again, unable to speak. I hand Marin off to her brother and walk Jo over to the couch. She catches her breath, "Sam, I think I'm in labor."

I ask mom to get Jo's bag and put it in the car as I walk Jo to the vehicle. Mom promised to look after Marin and finish up the party. We leave in a flash. "Great, Sam. Here it is, our daughter's birthday party and I go into labor." "It's okay. I guess the twins wanted to join in the festivities." "You do realize, hold that thought, Aaaaaaaaaah!" She takes a couple breaths, "You do realize that our three youngest kids will share the same birthday?" I pull up to the hospital entrance and escort her into the hospital.

Jo was in her room and settled by the time I parked the car and found her room. Dr. James came in shortly afterward, "Let's take a look at these babies!" She hooked up the ultrasound machine. "Mrs. McGuire, it looks like you're going to need a C-Section." "No! I can't! Sam, don't make me have a C-Section!" She grabs my hands. "Jo, let's listen to the doctor." Dr. James continues, "Ben's lying transverse, which means it's impossible to have a vaginal delivery." "Can't you turn him?" Jo begins crying. "I could try, but you're already quite weak. I don't want to put your body through more stress." "Okay," Jo states, feeling defeated. She buries her face in my arms and cries. I stroke her hair until the doctor returns. In a flash, Jo was prepped and ready for delivery. The babies came out fast! Ben made his appearance and immediately began crying. He was joined shortly thereafter by his sister, Brooke. They were so healthy. Both of them weighed 6 pounds even, big for twins. I was able to cut both of their cords. Jo and I decided to bank the cord blood, just in case we needed it. Dr. James passed each of the babies to me. I held them beside Jo so she could kiss them on the cheek. "Oh, Sam, they're so beautiful!" I kissed her on the forehead.

My parents, Jo's mom and Matt just left. Dianne and her family stayed home to take care of Marin. Jo's mom thought Brooke looked just like Jo as a baby. Ben looks a lot like Matt. They enjoyed fussing over the twins. Matt was excited to get a brother; he always wanted a little brother. I remember when we had to babysit Fredo the chimp. Matt hated that chimp, so we asked him to pretend like Fredo was his little brother or something. He looked at us and said, "I'm not getting a little brother from you, am I?" As much as I loved seeing my parents holding my children and Matt bonding with his brother, I couldn't help but think about who was missing, Lizzie. It's been a little over two years and it still hurts. Do I have three daughters now, or is it two? I miss her a lot. It's easier sometimes, but days like today, it's still hard.


	18. Chapter 18

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN

SIX WEEKS LATER----JO'S TREATMENT (FRIDAY)

Jo began her treatment this week. The babies are six weeks old, and Jo's oncologist, Dr. Hall, allowed her to breastfeed for six weeks. It was rather bittersweet. She nursed the other three until they were about a year old, and she only got six weeks with the twins. Fortunately, the cancer is slow growing, so it hadn't spread much since the twins were born. For that six weeks, we concentrated on being a family. The twins are healthy, Matt and Marin are doing well, and Jo is incredible. What did I do to deserve such a beautiful and remarkable woman?

Tuesday morning, I drove Jo to the hospital. She was admitted for a 24 hour slow drip of chemotherapy. I held her hand while the nurse administered the IV. Welcome to the long road of cancer treatment. The possible side effects scare me, nausea, fatigue, fever, chills, hair loss, loss of appetite. I prayed she was one of the ones who tolerated the medication well. After the nurse started the IV drip, I crawled into bed with her and held her until she fell asleep. We didn't say anything; words would have gotten in the way.

I lost my job last week; the company was downsizing, so I got cut. Somehow that doesn't seem so horrible. I hope I can get another one soon, so that I can provide for my family, but in the scheme of things, it's not horrible. I've got money in savings and we get to keep our health insurance, so we'll be okay for awhile. Plus, this gives me time to care for Jo. Both my mom and her mom offered to come stay with us, but right now, I'd rather it just be the six of us. We may need someone later, but now, it's just us.

Jo slept most of the day, which was good, because she needs as much rest as she can get. I called Matt while she slept to check on him and to fill him in on how his mother was doing. The next door neighbor is helping Matt care for the kids. She used to be a nanny, so she's quite experienced with children. Matt, Melina, and Lanny are upstairs working on a history project and will stay the night. Around midnight, Jo woke up doubled over. "Sam, help!" She promptly threw up. "Oh, God!" she cried. My heart broke in half. I called the nurse, who helped me get her cleaned up. He gave us a couple pans in case Jo threw up again, which she did. It was an incredibly long night. By the time the sun came up, she was exhausted and finally drifted back off to sleep. She got her IV out around noon. Dr. Hall wanted to keep her another night to make sure she tolerated the medication okay. We were warned that she might get sick, but as long as she didn't have any severe side effects, she could go home the next day. Severe? There's side effects more severe than this? I've never seen Jo as sick as this. She looks so pale and frail. I wanted to hold her and make everything go away, but she said it hurt to be touched. She managed to get a few hours sleep here and there. It's going to be a long road.

Dr. Hall released Jo yesterday morning. I bundled her up in her favorite comforter and the nurse wheeled her to the car. Matt was in school and the neighbor had the babies, so the house was quiet when we returned home. I picked her up out of the car, carried her to our bedroom, and lay her in our bed. She was asleep the whole time. I hope this regimine works. She'll go into the hospital in another month for another 24 hour round. She returns to the clinic next week for a lower dose of chemo. Oh, God, I hope I don't lose her.

This morning, I asked my next door neighbor to watch Jo and the babies for a couple hours. Matt was in school and Jo was asleep. I needed to get out for ahile. I drove to Lizzie's grave; I felt I needed to be with my oldest daughter. I put fresh carnations in the vase and cleared out the old ones. "Lizzie, I miss you, kiddo. Things are crazy at home. You've got a new brother and sister, yes, twins. They're an absolute delight. Marin's a year old and is a bundle of energy. She reminds me of you, princess. I know I don't normally visit in the mornings, but Lizzie, I need your help. I don't know if there's anyone in heaven you can talk to, but we need help. I've lost my job. My boss decided to downsize, so my job got cut. We're okay right now, but the money's gonna run out real quick if I don't find something soon. To add to the mix, sweetheart, your mother has ovarian cancer. She started chemo this week, and it's been hard on her. I'm afraid, Lizzie. I think she's going to have a hard time of it. She looks so small and weak; I've never seen her this sick before. I can't lose her, baby, I just can't. I'm sorry to burden you, but I've got to be strong at home, for your mother, Matt, and the babies. Oh, kiddo, I do miss you a lot. I love you, princess. I need to get back to your mother."


	19. Chapter 19

CHAPTER NINETEEN

SIX WEEKS LATER------CHRISTMAS DAY----TWINS ARE 3 MONTHS OLD

Christmas was quiet this year, like it was last year. Again, it was just family. Jo was worn out from her chemo treatments; unfortunately, she has nearly all the side effects possible--nausea, fatigue, hair loss, fever, chills, and weight loss. So, she spent most of Christmas Day on the couch. However, like last year, we got to celebrate babies' first Christmas. Last year was the first Christmas without Lizzie, and Marin's first Christmas. This year, it's Ben and Brooke's first Christmas, so we tried to make it special and memorable for all of us. Jo's mom made stockings for the twins, so Matt and I hung all our stockings (including Lizzie's) on the mantle.

Opening presents was festive this year. Keeping with tradition, Jo held the twins while she opened their presents. Since Marin is a year old, she really got into opening her presents. I think she had more fun with the paper and boxes than she did with her toys! Matt took a lot of pictures. It's his new hobby; he's quite good. He took pictures of the babies and himself and touched up a few pictures of Lizzie, and put them in a collage and individual frames. It was a beautiful gift. He also gave his brother and sisters pictures he took of Jo and me with each of them as newborns. He's such a thoughtful kid.

Speaking of pictures, we took our annual Christmas picture. I think these last two Christmases, the tradition has meant a lot to us. I set out all the family Christmas pictures we have taken since the first Christmas Jo and I were married. We were so young then! I picked up the picture when Jo was pregnant with Lizzie. We were so full of hope and expectation; how much we didn't know! Then, I picked up the next year's photo. Lizzie was such a cute baby. It's incredible how much she and Marin favor each other. If I didn't know better, I would have sworn that was Marin, and not Lizzie. The picture of Matt's second Christmas has got to be one of my favorites. He was such a clown back then! Jo and Lizzie looked so cute in the picture, all smiles. Then there was Matt, who put his fingers in the corners of his mouth and stuck out his tongue! I have a feeling Brooke's gonna be just like him. She seems to be the silly heart, whereas Ben's a bit more serious.

Miranda, Gordo, and Lizzie came over this afternoon and brought food over. We were really grateful and glad to see them. Matt and I have taken over the cooking duties. Jo doesn't like going into the kitchen, I think it aggravates her nausea. So, Matt and I have taken over the household chores. Matt's become quite a cook. I just love his beef enchiladas. My cooking's just as scary as usual, so most of the time when it's my turn, it's either microwave meals or takeout. Anyway, we enjoyed watching Marin and Lizzie play. They're not quite at the stage where they can play together, but it was cute seeing them try. Lizzie's a couple months younger than Marin. I hope the girls will be friends like Lizzie and Miranda were. Miranda's been a great help to Jo too, running errands for her and taking care of the kids when she's not in school. That's four kids under 18 months. I don't know how she does it and keeps up with her schooling and housework. She and Gordo are incredible people. I can see why Lizzie was friends with them.


	20. Chapter 20

CHAPTER TWENTY

ONE MONTH LATER--TWO YEARS SINCE _Matt's in 8th grade; Lizzie would have been in 11th grade_

It's been two years since Lizzie's suicide and we found out about Marin and one year since we found out about the twins. We made our annual trek to the cemetary. Jo had just finished her latest round at the hospital a couple days ago, so I was concerned about taking her. However, she was insistent. When we got to the cemetary, I wrapped Jo up in her blanket and carried her to the gravesite. Matt had put the babies in their strollers by the time I got back to the car to help him out. Jo was on the ground, lying against the bench beside the grave when Matt and I brought the kids over. She was in deep conversation with Lizzie, so we approached quietly, not to be intrusive. I hate to say she enjoys these visits, because none of us do, but she feels closer to our firstborn here. Marin uses Lizzie's old room and the twins use Matt's old room, so most of Lizzie's stuff is either distributed out or put away. Matt and I remodeled the old guest room for him. It's bigger and away from the babies, so he can get his peace and quiet. We'll move Brooke into Marin's room when she's older. It's bigger and better equipped for two people.

I sit on the ground next to my wife. Matt holds Marin and helps her place the flowers. While we reminisced about Lizzie, I kept praying that we wouldn't be visiting Lizzie's AND Jo's graves this time next year. She is so weak and frail; I don't know how she can bounce back. She's lost an awful amount of weight. I'm afraid to pick her up because I'm afraid I'll break her. Suddenly, I hear Jo speaking, "Do you remember when Lizzie gave Larry Tudgeman a makeover for Miranda's party? He looked hot!" "Speaking of hot, what about when we held that party, where you played the French maid? I wanted to..." I whispered in her ear and a look of shock and laughter spread across her face. "Sam, there are children present!" "How do you think we got the children in the first place?" I whisper back. "Oh, stop it," she laughed, hit me on the shoulder, and then kissed me. Matt pretended that he didn't hear a thing. Thank goodness the babies are too young to understand. Brooke begins fussing, so Matt passes her to Jo. "Sam, do you remember when we got that note from Lizzie's preschool teacher? She came to Miranda's rescue when someone put paste in her hair." "Yeah, Lizzie was a very kind hearted person." "Brooke, you sister was kind and sweet and good to her friends and family." "She did stick up for me when Heywood was bullying me, or when I got three weeks' detention for putting soap bubbles in the waterfountain." We look at Matt, puzzled. "I didn't do it. Clark Benson did it." "How come we never heard of it?" I ask. "Ah, never mind," he replied. "Matt, pass Ben over here. He looks like he needs to get out of the stroller. Thanks."

We sit and reminisce until I look over at Jo and see her asleep, holding Brooke. She looks so peaceful. I hate to wake her, but I think we need to get her back home. "Jo," I touch her on the shoulder, "Jo." She rouses, "Wha?" "You fell asleep. We need to get you home." Matt takes Brooke out of her arms and puts her in the stroller, and then gets Marin. I put Ben in his seat, then I bundle Jo up and carry her to the car. She instinctively wraps her arms around my neck and falls asleep. I pray next year when we visit Lizzie's grave, that we'll still be a family of six, not a family of five.

We got home, and I started to carry Jo to our bedroom. "No," she mumbles, "The couch." "Are you sure?" "Yeah, wanna watch home movies." "Okay." I put her on the couch, and cover her with a blanket. I help Matt with the babies, and we pile in the living room and watch movies. I think it's now an annual tradition. I think it helps the three of us to remember Lizzie, and it helps us tell the babies about their older sister. I love seeing Lizzie and Matt on screen as kids. Those were such happy times. Lizzie was so full of life, and Matt was so young. Now, she's forever fifteen and Matt's fourteen, no longer a little boy. Also, watching those movies makes me look forward to the good times we'll have with Marin, Ben, and Brooke. They're still young and their whole life's ahead of them. I can't wait to teach them how to make a fort, or throw a football, or tie their shoes. I pray Jo's there with me every step of the way.


	21. Chapter 21

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

NINE MONTHS LATER----TWINS ARE ONE YEAR OLD; MARIN'S TWO YEARS OLD

The twins are a year old today! Marin is two. Again, we had a quiet party, just family and friends. My parents, Jo's mom, and Dianne came, but stayed in a motel nearby. Jo had her chemo last week, so she had a little more energy than she had at Christmas. In addition, she's not pregnant, so there's no possibility of having to rush off to the hospital. It was so cute watching the three kids open their presents. Jo helped the twins, in keeping with tradition. Marin's talking up a storm, so she provided a lot of entertainment. The twins are just beginning to walk, so they kept bumping into things. Brooke wore Lizzie and Marin's dress, and Ben wore Matt's outfit he wore when he turned one.

Matt baked the cake this year. Jo wanted to, but she wasn't feeling up to it. However, she insisted on decorating it. She used Winnie the Pooh this year. With having two daughters and a son with the same birthday, it seemed to fit. It wasn't too girly or boyish. I don't know what we'll do when they're older and insist on their own cake and parties. Thankfully, that's a couple years away. The twins smashed their fists into their cake. Ben spread it all over his face and hands. He was a mess! Brooke picked little pieces of cake and dropped them on the floor. Marin acted "all grown up" and used her spoon to eat her cake.

Miranda and Gordo came over again. Lizzie wanted to open presents too. She's nearly two, so they had some work explaining that it wasn't her birthday yet. I found a small stuffed bear for her and wrapped it up before they arrived. Call it having already raised 2 kids. Two year olds are funny like that. Marin and Lizzie paired off, playing together. The twins climbed in and out of empty boxes. I think it might have been cheaper to wrap empty boxes and give that to them. I wanted to, but Jo insisted that we get them presents.

I finally found work and start Monday. Finances were getting really lean. Jo's cancer treatment, even with insurance, is expensive, as is having three kids under two and a fourteen year old boy. I was afraid we'd lose the house. I didn't want to worry Jo, so I talked to Lizzie a lot about it. I don't know whether she's actually around, but it helps me to go to her gravesite and talk to her. One day last month, I was going over the books, and Jo walks in. I was deep in thought, trying to see how we could squeeze blood out of a turnip. "How's it going?" she asks. "Oh, fine." "You don't look fine. You look worried. What's wrong, Sam?" "Oh nothing," I tried to brush it off. "It is NOT nothing. Tell me." "I don't want to worry you, Jo. You've been sick and all..." That made her mad. "Sam, I'm your wife. Don't shut me out." "But..." She sits down beside me and looks me in the eye, "And don't give me that 'you've been sick' stuff. I know I'm sick. I've had cancer for over a year; there's not a day that goes by that I don't know that." I take her hands in mine, "I'm sorry Jo. I should have shared this with you, but you've got so much on your plate. I didn't want to worry you." "Sam, we're in this for better or for worse. I can handle it; give me some credit. Now, what's going on." I show her the books, "We have nothing in savings and only two more months' worth in checking. If I don't find something soon, we're gonna lose the house." "Is it my treatments? I'm sorry, if I hadn't..." I cut her off, "Jo, don't appologize. It's not your fault. We'll work something out. If I have to, I'll dip into my retirement." "Maybe if I can cut back on my anti-nausea medication or something..." "Absolutely not, Jo. You need it. It'll work out." I embrace her and then fix us some tea. I was just about to cash in some of my retirement when I got a callback for this new job. It pays a lot more than my previous job, has a better benefits package, and better hours. I can work from home or the hospital if I need to. My new boss lost his wife to cancer and understands what we're experiencing. It's great when things work out well.

So, this party was a celebration of a lot of things besides birthdays. I have a new job, and Jo got a good report from Dr. Hall. Although the cancer isn't shrinking, it's not growing either. This is her first good report ever. The cancer had been spreading, despite the chemo. The doctor put her on another type, which seems to be working. Unfortunately, the side effects are just as bad and her schedule's the same; once a month she goes in for a 24 hour dose, and once a week, the weeks she is not in the hospital, she gets a three hour dose. Usually the first day after her treatment is the worst, but the doctor prescribed her medications to help stave off the severest side effects. When the doctor told us the good news, we were estatic. Finally, we can see some light at the end of the tunnel. I said a prayer and thanked God and Lizzie.


	22. Chapter 22

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO

FOUR MONTHS LATER----THREE YEARS SINCE----_Matt's in 9th grade; Lizzie would have been a senior_

"Lizzie, three years have passed. Wow! Matt's a freshman at Hillridge High School. He's the same age you were when you committed suicide. God, that's scary. Gordo and Miranda are graduating; you would have been graduating with them. They're pregnant again and are planning on getting married this summer, after the baby's born. Miranda's already asked if Marin can be a flower girl with Lizzie. They're having a boy this time, David Zephyr Gordon Junior, "David." They're so young!

Jo received a good report from Dr. Hall today. The tumors are shrinking! Finally! We were so nervous going into the doctor's office today. We were afraid that the news would not be good. She's so weak from the constant chemotherapy. It's been almost a year and a half of constant chemo. Dr. Hall sat down at his desk. Jo grabbed my hand as he delivered the news. "Mrs. McGuire, I've got good news," he begins, "the tumors are responding to treatment and are shrinking." Jo and I embraced each other. "The ones on your side are nearly gone, and the main one on your abdomen is shrinking." Jo puts her face in her hands, "Oh thank you, Jesus," she sighs. "I still want to keep you on your same treatment schedule." She takes a deep breath, "Okay." "I want to do a couple more months worth of chemo, and if you're still doing well, then we can talk about reducing the schedule. I want to see you in another two months." We stand up. I shake the doctor's hand, "Thank you, doctor." Jo and I leave the office and walk down the hallway to the elevator. I look at my wife and pull her into an embrace, "Oh, Jo. Thank God." Tears fall from my eyes. She pulls back and wipes one away. The doors open, so we step in.

Now sweetheart, we're here. Your mother and I wanted it to be just the three of us. Our next door neighbour is taking care of the kids. Thanks for your help, kiddo. Keep it up. This is definitely a morale booster. It's been so hard on your mother, but she's such a strong and awesome woman. I don't know how she has remained so strong. She is remarkable."

"Sam," Jo stirs, blushing. She sits up from my lap. "Honey," I begin, "Did you have a good nap?" "How long was I asleep?" "Oh, about an hour." "Why didn't you wake me?" "You looked so comfortable."

"Your youngest brother and sisters are doing great. Marin's talking up a storm and the twins are running everywhere. All three are running your mom and I ragged. Marin's got a favorite stuffed animal, a cow. She named it Mister Moo. She's so cute; she reminds me of you when you were two and got your pig, Mr. Snuggles. She sleeps with it every night. I think the two of you would have really gotten along. Brooke is a lot like Matt. She and Matt love to make silly faces at each other. They're like two peas in a pod. Her favorite game is hide and go seek. She's better at the 'hiding' part."

Jo chimes in, "Ben is so much like your father. He calls Ben 'Mini-me.' " She laughs and continues, "He looks up to your brother. Okay, I know you're laughing; Matt, a role model! However, he's good with the kids. He's always carrying Ben around. They're inseparable."

"Lizzie," I continue, "We miss you so much. We hope you've found the peace and happiness you were lacking. I love you, princess."

"I love you too, baby." Jo looks at me, "I think I need to go home. I'm really tired."

"Okay." We walk back to the car hand in hand.

We were asleep on the couch by the time Matt came home from school. Marin and the twins were taking their naps. "Matt," I call, "come into the living room for a minute?" "What's up?" Jo begins, "I had an appointment with Dr. Hall today." Matt looks worried, "Okay?" "I got a good report. The tumors are shrinking. The ones on my side are nearly gone and the main tumor is shrinking." He breathes a sigh of relief, "Do you get to stop chemo now?" "Not yet. Maybe in a couple months when I go back, he'll either stop it or reduce it, but not right now." "That's good. I've got homework to do. I gotta go."

Later that night, Jo and I discussed the day's events. "Sam, what's on your mind?" I take her hand, "I'm just so relieved your report was good. I don't know what I would've done if I'd lost you." She places her hand on my cheek, "I'm relieved too, but you would go on just fine." "I know, but I don't wanna find out." "I'm worried about Matt." "Why?" "I dunno. There's something not quite right about him." "Well, his grades are good. He, Melina and Lanny are taking extra classes. He's also quite a cook and good with the kids." "I know, but call it my mom instinct, there's something not right here." "He's been through a lot these last three years. He hasn't had time to de-stress." "Maybe you're right, Sam."


	23. Chapter 23

CHAPTER TWENTY-THREE

ONE YEAR LATER----FOUR YEARS SINCE----_Matt's in 10th grade; Lizzie would have been a freshman in college_

It's been four years since Lizzie left us. Matt's in 10th grade, but he's scheduled to graduate next year. He, Melina and Lanny took classes last summer, and extra classes last year and this year so they could get out a year early. He and Melina have been dating for the last year, but they've been close since they were little. I imagine Gordo and Lizzie would have paired up in high school if she had been alive; they were beginning to go out when they returned from Rome. I wonder if Matt and Melina will be together after they graduate? Unfortunately, I'm a little worried about Matt. Although he's a good student (he sure turned things around in Middle School) and he's good with his brother and sisters, he's different. He's moody and sullen, and he, Melina, and Lanny sometimes smell like smoke when they're together. Jo and I have asked him if he's doing drugs, but he denies it. He admits they smoke cigarettes, but I don't believe him. I think it's more. We've tried talking to him, but he refuses to talk. I wonder if this is the result of all the changes that have gone on these past four years? I wish he would talk to someone. I don't think he feels comfortable talking to Jo anymore; I don't think he's wanted to burden her. Although Jo's had cancer for three years, I think Matt's been afraid that if he tells her about his stresses, it might be too much for her. He hasn't talked to me in ages. I worry about the kid.

Jo had another appointment with Dr. Hall today. The doctor talked to us in his office; we were afraid it was a bad sign. She has been doing so well. The tumors have been shrinking this last year. The ones on her side are gone, and the main one in her abdomen is half the size it was a year ago, according to his report three months ago. She was able to reduce her chemo in half six months ago; the three hour doses were cut to once every other week and the 24 hour doses every other month. She had her most recent 24 hour dose last week. We walked into Dr. Hall's office hand in hand. The doctor began, "Mrs. McGuire, I'm pleased to report that your most recent tests indicate that the tumors are gone." Our jaws drop. He continues, "You're in remission, congratulations." Jo and I embrace, unable to speak. "I want to do another two months of chemo, and if you're still in remission, we can discontinue treatment and just have you come in for quarterly checkups." We shook his hand and walked out of the office hand in hand.

We got to the elevator and I pulled her into a deep embrace. "Oh, thank you Jesus!" I choke out, tears welling up in my eyes. Jo begins crying too, "Sam, I can't believe it!" "Me either. I've been so worried that I'd lose you." She puts her hand on my cheek, "I know." The elevator arrives, and we step in, hand in hand. I love this woman.

Jo and I stop by the cemetary to visit Lizzie for awhile. We fill her in on recent events. Even though we don't know if she can hear us, it helps us keep a connection with her. I look at Jo and notice she's wearing the necklace she found in Lizzie's room when we were cleaning it up. It's the red piece of plastic Lizzie gave her when they were throwing pots. Jo gave it back to her and told her to give it back when she was ready to be friends again. Jo has the note framed with a picture of Lizzie and her inside by her night stand in our bedroom. She notices me looking at the necklace. "It's helped me keep focused on getting well. I feel really connected to her when I wear it. I do wonder if she's had a hand in me getting better." "I'd like to think so." We sit in silence for awhile. I look at my wife. Although she's thin from two and a half years of constant chemo, she looks absolutely beautiful. Suddenly, she laughs (I think she was feeling self-conscious), "What, Sam?" "Have I ever told you how wonderful and beautiful you are?" She blushes. "Jo, I was so afraid that I'd be visiting you here too. I was afraid you wouldn't make it." "Oh, Sam," she takes my hands in hers. "It's bad enough we have to visit our oldest daughter here, but if I had to visit both of you..." "I'm not going anywhere. Dr. Hall said I'm fine." "That sounds so good," I smile. "It does, doesn't it?"

Matt was home watching TV when we got home. "How are the kids?" I ask. "They're asleep. Marin's been down for a couple hours and the twins for an hour." "Sam, I'm going to go check on the kids; I'll be right back." As she goes upstairs, Matt looks at me puzzled, "Is mom okay? What did the doctor say?" "She wants to tell you herself." Matt looks concerned, "She's not gonna die, is she?" "No, she's not."

Jo comes back downstairs with Marin, who is in between being asleep and being awake. "Jo, let me take her." She passes her to me and the four of us sit on the couch. "Mom, what's going on?" Matt asks concerned. "The doctor said that I'm in remission. The tumors are gone!" she grins from ear to ear. Matt's eyes brighten, "You mean, the cancer's gone?" "Yes!" she nods. "So, you're not gonna die?" "No, I'm not." Matt hugs his mother. It's the first time in a long time.


	24. Chapter 24

CHAPTER TWENTY-FOUR

ONE YEAR LATER----FIVE YEARS SINCE----MARIN'S TURNING FOUR AND THE TWINS ARE TURNING THREE. _Lizzie would have been a sophomore in college._

It's been five years since Lizzie's suicide. It seems so long ago, but it also seems like yesterday. Oh, how things have changed! As I walk up to the gravesite, I realize that we've been through so much in such a short time: Lizzie committed suicide five years ago, we welcomed three new children into our family, Jo battled cancer for three years, Matt developed and overcame a drug problem, and now he and Melina are engaged and are expecting a baby girl any day now.

"Lizzie, your mother has stayed in remission, and got to stop chemo six months ago. She looks so good; not gaunt anymore. Her hair has grown back. It's quite long and wavy. I love it. I know you'd think she's really stylish. She keeps it just past her shoulders now. I'm so grateful that so far, she's beaten the cancer; her prognosis was poor, at best, when she was first diagnosed. Looking at pictures and home movies these past five years, it's hard to believe we've made it through so much. Your mom feels like she missed so much of Marin's and the twins' babyhood and early preschool years because of the cancer. Matt and I had to take over most of the household chores and childcare.

Your brother has come a long way from being the energetic prankster of a kid who drove you crazy. He's really grown up in a lot of ways. He, Melina and Lanny got into drugs their freshman year. It was really bad last year. Your mom and I fought like cats and dogs about it. Unfortunately, it was probably the straw that broke the camel's back. Your mom and I nearly divorced. But, we got through it. I think our marriage is stronger than ever. Anyway, back to your brother. His senior year has been fast paced. Yes, he's graduating early. He's going to college next year and getting married this summer. That's so hard to believe he's going to be a husband and father this year. They're expecting a girl. I nearly went ballistic when they told me. They're going to name her after you and your mother, sweetheart, Elizabeth JoAnn, and call her "Bethany." You're going to be an aunt, Lizzie. I know, you're wondering when he got interested in girls. He and Melina have been dating all through high school. She's been good for him, a calming influence. Okay, that sounds like a contradiction in terms, since she was just as hyper and sneaky as he was. They're still best friends with Lanny; he's still not much of a talker. Does that guy ever say anything?

Miranda and Gordo have been good friends to us. Your sisters and youngest brother and their kids are playmates. It's funny, they remind me of you three. Marin and Lizzie are best friends, and David and the twins will probably be best friends too. Miranda and Gordo have been married nearly two years. Marin and Lizzie were their flowergirls. Matt and Melina were their honor attendants. I know Miranda would have wanted you as her maid or matron of honor. We really missed you a lot that day. Still, your friends looked so happy and their wedding was gorgeous.

Speaking of your sisters and youngest brother, Marin reminds me so much of you. She looks so much like you, it's incredible. Brooke is just as hyper and silly as Matt was at three; they're like Pete and Repeat. Ben's a quiet kid, one of those wise souls. He's content to just take in the world around him. Sometimes I wonder if he's really ours. Neither you nor Matt were quiet kids." I look at my watch. "Lizzie, I need to go pick up the kids from preschool. Your mother should be stopping by later on today. I love you, princess."

I get the kids home from preschool. Matt is escorting Melina down the stairs. "Dad, Melina's in labor. Meet us at the hospital as soon as you can." They race off. I call the next door neighbor to watch the kids and try to get a hold of Jo. Her cell phone's off, so I leave a message and head to the hospital. I can't believe I'm about to be a grandfather. "Oh, Lizzie, I wish you were here for this. I know you would have loved your niece. I don't know why you did it, but I hope you're happy and at peace now. I love you, princess."

----------------

_A/N----Next, is "Dear Lizzie," from Miranda's POV._


	25. Chapter 25

_**DEAR LIZZIE,**_

_A/N--This is a companion piece to Jo's Loss and Moving On After Loss. Rated T. Taken from Miranda's POV. Begins five years after Lizzie's suicide and includes flashbacks._

CHAPTER 25

**FIVE YEARS AFTER...**

Miranda Sanchez Gordon sat in the study at her desk. Pictures of family and friends graced the shelves at the back of the desk. There were pictures of her parents and sister, her in-laws, children Lizzie and David Junior, and of her wedding. She picks up a picture of her wedding party, noting the attendants. Melina Bianco, soon to be Melina McGuire was her maid of honor. Kate Sanders, Veruca and her sister Stevie were her bride's maids. Marin McGuire and Miranda's daughter, Lizzie were the flower girls. It was such a happy day, but someone very important was missing.

**Lizzie McGuire.**

"It's been five years and I still miss her. Dammit, why did she do it?" She put her wedding photo down, and picked up a photo of the infamous trio: Lizzie, Gordo, and Miranda. That's the way it always was since preschool. Until their freshman year in highschool. Until that awful Wednesday. She looked at the picture and smiled. They were so young. It was a picture of the three of them on their first day of high school. She and Gordo met Lizzie at her house, so that Jo McGuire could take them to school. Jo, ever the photographer, took a series of pictures chronicling their first day of high school. After they returned home, Jo presented each of them with a framed photo. Miranda always kept her photo on her desk. Now that she and Gordo are married, hers still sits on her desk.

She puts the photo down and picks up a photo of her daughter, Lizzie McGuire's namesake. In order to honor their best friend, she and Gordo decided to name their firstborn after Lizzie. Sam and Jo were thrilled. "Lizzie would have loved you, mija. I wish the two of you could have met." She puts the photo down and takes her daughter's journal out of the desk drawer. Keeping her family's tradition, she started journals for each of her children the day she found out she was pregnant with them. Miranda chronicled special occasions and so-called ordinary events alike. Today was definitely a special occasion. She takes out a pen and begins to write...

Dear Lizzie,

You were named after our best friend Elizabeth Brooke McGuire, otherwise known as Lizzie McGuire. You know the McGuires, since you and Marin are best friends and your brother, David, is friends with Brooke and Ben. Sam and Jo are their parents and Matt's their older brother. Lizzie is their older sister. She died before Marin was born. No, correct that, she committed suicide before Marin was born. Neither her family nor we know why she did it. Suffice it to say, her death brought your father and I together. With all that said, here's the story. It begins five years ago. I can't believe it's been five years. It seems so long ago, and also like yesterday...

The day before Lizzie McGuire killed herself was like any other day. It was a Tuesday, I think. The three of us were freshmen at Hillridge High School. Matt was in sixth grade at Hillridge Intermediate School. Your father and Lizzie had been dating since they kissed during their eighth grade trip to Rome. That's another story for another time; ask your father. Anyway, I wasn't able to go because I had to go to Mexico with your grandparents and your Aunt Stevie to see my grandmother. She was very sick and not expected to live, so my folks withdrew me from school for the last few days. So, I missed graduation and the trip. I felt a little left out after that. I know Lizzie and your father didn't mean to exclude me, but they shared something I could never share.

Where was I? Oh yeah, Tuesday. Lizzie and I were in the same English class, and the three of us had Chemistry together. Other than that, we didn't have any classes together. We had a project due in Chemistry in a couple days. It wound up being really good, and our teacher allowed your father and I to turn it in late due to Lizzie's death. Thanks to your father, we didn't blow up the whole school. Lizzie and I got back our reports on _The Red Badge of Courage_. Talk about a boring book. YAWN! Anyway, I made a C+ on it, but Lizzie made a D. She was a good student, but for some reason, Miss Fields didn't like her. Lizzie was always an A or B student, and English was normally one of her best classes. She was really bummed about the grade, but she gathered the courage to ask Miss Fields if she could talk to her about it. "I'm sorry, Miss McGuire, all grades are final, and before you ask, no, I don't give out extra credit. If you want a good grade in my class, you have to apply yourself. This isn't junior high, and your paper read like a seventh grader wrote it. Now, if that's all, I've got another class. Good day, Miss McGuire." Ugh! I couldn't stand that teacher.

The three of us were assigned the same lunch, so we got to eat together, just like we had the last few school years. Lizzie was bummed about the paper, and had a speech all prepared to give to her folks, but she wasn't devastated or anything. Her grades were good in all her classes, and even with the D, she had a solid B in English. Lizzie didn't put the pressure on herself for all A's as I did; to her, it was water off a duck's back. I'm not saying she didn't appreciate A's or frown at C's or lower, but she didn't make a federal case about them. In fact, she was excited yesterday. Isabella had called her over the weekend and offered her a recording contract for the following summer. That meant she was going to jet off to Italy the next summer. If anyone should have been bummed, it should have been your father; she was going to be gone the entire summer.

_**FLASHBACK SEQUENCE**_

Lizzie: Can you believe Miss Fields?

Miranda: I know. That was so unfair! I thought your report was good.

Lizzie: Me too. I worked all night on it!

Gordo: At least you don't have Mr. Chase. He's a slave driver.

Miranda: Aw, come on, Gordo. You know you've got an A in Honor's English.

Gordo: _Changing the subject_. How 'bout we go to the Digital Bean after school to celebrate Lizzie's recording contract?

Miranda: That's a great idea! I'm sooo jealous! _Lizzie blushes._ Nah, really, I'm happy for you! I can't wait until your first CD comes out.

Lizzie: Guys, I haven't even recorded one song yet. How do you know it'll be good? I might wind up being a flop.

Gordo: Yeah, right. Miranda, she was so hot on stage. Lizzie, you're a natural.

Miranda: I could design your wardrobe for your first music video.

Gordo: And I could film it.

Lizzie: I wouldn't have it any other way. Anyway, you are coming to dinner tonight? Mom's cooking a big dinner for me to celebrate.

Miranda: Of course!

Gordo: When have I ever turned down a free meal at your house, or your mom's cooking?

Lizzie: Well, there was the tuna noodle casserole?

Gordo: _Shivers._ Well, there's always a first time.

_**END FLASHBACK**_

Lizzie had a steady boyfriend, your father, an upcoming recording contract, and was carving out a really good niche in high school, so her life seemed to be going well for her. After school was out, we all went to the Digital Bean to celebrate her upcoming recording contract. Then, her mom fixed a really great dinner to celebrate. Jo's quite a cook. Sure, her tuna noodle casserole bites, but she makes amazing pasta. Matt was in his usual form, cracking jokes at the table and chronicling the day's pranks. I know you've heard stories about his pranks; he's grown up a lot since then. I think dealing with his sister's death, the births of his younger brother and sisters, his mom's cancer and dad's job loss, plus his own upcoming parenthood and marriage have really made him grow up a lot.

_**FLASHBACK SEQUENCE**_

After they finish eating, Jo goes into the kitchen. When she returns, she is holding a cake. Matt begins taking pictures. Jo sits the cake in front of Lizzie. It is a white sheet cake with red flowers adorning the edges. The flag of Italy graces the center, as do the words "Congratulations, Lizzie." Lizzie's eyes brighten and Matt, Miranda, and Gordo applaud.

Jo: Congratulations, sweetheart!

Sam: We knew you could do it!

Lizzie: _Blushes._ Thanks!

Jo: Our little girl's gonna be famous.

Gordo: Don't forget us "little people" when you become a big rock star.

Lizzie: Oh, I won't forget you. I'm taking you with me. _She gives Gordo a kiss._

Matt: Ewwww! Get a room you two!

Gordo: Just wait until you turn fifteen. You'll have a girlfriend, and you'll enjoy making out.

Lizzie: _Blushes hard._ Thanks. Right in front of the 'rents!

Jo: Oh, stop it. You make us sound old. _Suddenly, she turns pale._

Sam: _Looks concerned._ Are you all right?

Jo: Yeah. _Beads of sweat pool on her forehead._ I just got a little woozy.

Sam: Let me get you some water, honey.

Jo: _Sits down._ Okay.

Miranda: If it's okay, I'll cut the cake. _Jo nods._ _Miranda serves the cake, giving Lizzie the first piece._ Here you go! Remember, I want to design your outfits you'll wear on stage!

Lizzie: Thanks! Of course! You're definitely my favorite designer.

_**END FLASHBACK**_

After dessert, we did our homework and then her mom drove us home. I couldn't believe that the ride home was the last time we'd ever see Lizzie alive.


	26. Chapter 26

CHAPTER 26 (WEDNESDAY)

Lizzie wasn't in school the next day.

_**FLASHBACK SEQUENCE**_

Gordo: Hey Miranda, have you seen Lizzie today?

Miranda: No. She wasn't in English today. I hope she's not sick or anything.

Gordo: Think we should call her?

Miranda: Yeah. Lemme get my phone. _The lunch bell rings._ Rats! How 'bout coming over to work on our Chemistry project? We can call her from my house.

Gordo: Sounds great. See ya then.

_**END FLASHBACK**_

Your father and I met after school and went to my house. I phoned Lizzie. "_Hey Lizzie, we missed you in school! Are you sick? What's up? Call us at Miranda's. Maybe if you're feeling up to it, we can meet at the Digital Bean? Well, bye!_" We figured she'd call us back. Instead Sam called. I answered the phone.

_**FLASHBACK SEQUENCE**_

Miranda: Hello?

Sam: Is your mom home?

Miranda: Yeah. How's Lizzie? Is she sick?

Gordo: Who is it?

Miranda: It's Mr. McGuire.

Gordo: Is Lizzie sick?

Miranda: Shh!

Sam: I need to speak to your mother.

Miranda: Can I talk to Lizzie afterwards?

Sam: Miranda, I really need to talk to your mother.

Miranda: Okay, I'll go get her.

Daniella answers the phone: _Unaware that Miranda and Gordo are listening in. _Hello?

Sam: It's Sam McGuire.

Daniella: How's Lizzie? Is she sick? Miranda said that she wasn't in school today.

Sam: _Hesitates_. Lizzie's not sick. _Hesitates._

Daniella: What's wrong?

Sam: Lizzie's gone.

Daniella: Whadya mean, gone?

Sam: She's dead. Jo found her this morning. She killed herself.

Daniella: Oh my God! _Miranda and Gordo hear all and are crying in her bedroom._ Wha? Why?

Sam: We don't know. We found razor blades in her bed.

Daniella: I'm so sorry. How's Jo?

Sam: She's in shock. Do you think you could ask Miranda if she may know anything?

Daniella: Gordo's here too.

Sam: Could you ask him too?

Daniella: Sure. Let me know if there's anything we can do for you.

Sam: Thanks. _They hang up._

_**END FLASHBACK**_

I couldn't believe it! Lizzie, my best friend in the whole wide world killed herself. It felt so surreal. We had no clue why. She seemed so happy the night before. I couldn't believe that a few short hours after we got out of the car, she killed herself. Your grandmother knew we had listened in because when she knocked on my door, she could hear us crying.

_**FLASHBACK SEQUENCE**_

Daniella: _Knocks on the door._ Miranda, can I come in?

Miranda: _Crying._ Sure.

Daniella: I take it you heard the phonecall from Mr. McGuire.

Miranda: Yeah. Is it true? Lizzie's dead?

Daniella: I'm sorry baby. _She envelops Miranda in an embrace._

Miranda: Why mom? Why'd she do it?

Daniella: They don't know. _Pauses._ Miranda, Gordo, I hate to ask, but has Lizzie been depressed lately?

Miranda: No.

_Gordo shakes his head._

Daniella: Gordo, would you like for me to call your parents for you?

_Gordo nods._

Daniella: If you want, you can stay home from school tomorrow.

Miranda: No, that's okay.

_**END FLASHBACK**_

Your father and I embrace each other for an eternity, it seemed. Our best friend was dead! This was just too awful to be true!


	27. Chapter 27

CHAPTER 27 (THURSDAY)

School was quiet the next day. The whole school was in shock over Lizzie's suicide. I felt numb; it all felt so surreal. So many people came up to your father and I to tell them how sorry they were about Lizzie. We didn't know some of the people who talked to us. Even Kate was nice to us. Lizzie and your dad had told me that she had changed, but I didn't believe them. However, she was really sweet. Larry Tudgeman, Veruca, and Ethan also expressed their condolences. Even Parker McKenzie and Claire told us how sorry they were about Lizzie. Parker and Claire still gave the three of us havoc, but it was nice to see that they could put all that aside for the time being, at least. Most of our teachers were understanding. Our Chemistry teacher let your father and I turn our project (the one Lizzie was a part of) in late. Even Miss Fields was civil. I think this was one of the longest days of my life. Your father and I clung to each other like 2 lost souls in a dark forest. In a way, it was comforting to have your father there, but in another way, it wasn't. We were no longer a trio. I'd lost my best friend, and your father had lost not only his best friend, but also his girlfriend, and we didn't know why.

After school, your father and I went over to the McGuire's house. We couldn't believe that she was really gone. It didn't seem real. The house looked the same as always. Could this all be some horrible nightmare? I knocked on the door, and Sam answered the door. Jo was sitting on the couch, cradling Matt. She looked so lost and so tired. We walk over to the couch and the four of us embrace. Sam sits on the chair across from the couch. Jo asks the hard questions,"Did Lizzie give you any clue she was suicidal?" "No, Mrs. McGuire, nothing," I reply. "Was she depressed or sad?" "She seemed fine to me," your father answers. "Thank you for coming over, and for being such good friends to Lizzie," Jo continues. Your father and I give Jo another embrace and then leave.

Neither of us felt like going home, so we went to the park. We found a secluded spot and sat in silence. I couldn't stop the tears from flowing, so I just let them fall. Your father takes a tissue and wipes one from my cheek. We look at each other, and before we knew it, we kiss. I don't know who kissed who first. I felt really guilty for kissing my dead best friend's boyfriend. I felt like I was cheating on her. Your father must have felt the same way, because after the kiss, both of us looked away. "Umm, I'm sorry," I choke out. "No, that's okay." "No, it isn't. You're my best friend's boyfriend." "I'm not anyone's boyfriend anymore. Lizzie's dead." Your father stands up and walks off. I watch him walk off.

_How could I be so stupid? Lizzie's only been dead for a day and I've been macking on her boyfriend! I'm such a fool! He'll never talk to me again. I really blew it._


	28. Chapter 28

CHAPTER 28 (FRIDAY)

The visitation at the funeral home was hard. Your father and I came together, still feeling sad and awkward. We talked a bit about what happened the night before during lunch at school.

_**FLASHBACK SEQUENCE**_

Miranda: I'm sorry about what happened last night. I didn't mean for it to happen.

Gordo: _Shrugs._ No, it's okay.

Miranda: No, it's not. I feel as if I've cheated on both of my best friends.

Gordo: I, uh, I guess things are gonna be a little crazy right now.

Miranda: Yeah. Still, I'm sorry if I hurt you.

Gordo: No, you didn't. Lizzie did.

Miranda: I hate myself for this, but I'm angry. _Begins crying._ I'm angry that Lizzie killed herself!

Gordo: Miranda, I just don't get it! Why did she do it? She seemed so happy Tuesday.

Miranda: That seems like a long time ago.

Gordo: Yeah.

The pair looks at each other and stares intently. Before either of them realize what was happening, the pair embrace in a deep kiss. The pair break apart and look at each other in shock and desire.

Gordo: Now, I'm the fool.

Miranda: No you're not. Neither of us are fools. I guess we need each other right now. Let's not make this a big issue right now.

Gordo: Yeah.

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

I wore the dress Lizzie and I picked out for me for the Homecoming dance and your father wore the tie that she gave him for the dance. I felt somewhat awkward walking in with him; we looked like a couple. I'm sure that wasn't lost on the McGuires. Jo was sitting beside Lizzie's casket. She looked so tired, so worn out. Sam stayed close by. Matt was over in a corner, away from the casket. Lanny and Melina were with him. Your father and I walked over to Sam and Jo. "Miranda, Gordo. Thanks for coming," Jo greets, "How are you?" I give her a hug, "I'm okay." "Good." Your father holds his hand out to shake Jo's hand, but she pulls him in an embrace, "Oh, Gordo, I'm so sorry." He kisses her on the cheek and nods. Then, we pay our respects to Sam. He doesn't say much; I don't think he could.

It was hard walking away from the casket. Your father and I stood away from the crowd and studied the scene before us. The casket was white with silver handles and trim. A pink flower spray sat on top of the casket. It had four ribbons coming from the spray, each with a different word: Daughter, Sister, Granddaughter, Friend. There were all kinds of flowers surrounding the casket. Beside it, at the front of the receiving line, was a picture of Lizzie. It was of when she was on stage in Rome. She looked so alive and free in that picture. I wish I could have heard her then. Your father said she was amazing. I've seen the video, but I wish I could've seen her in person.

We walked over to Matt and his friends and expressed our sympathies to him. He shocked both of us by wrapping his arms around your father and crying his eyes out. I think it was good for him. I don't know if he had cried much before this; he seemed so lost when we stopped by the house the day before.

We left the funeral home and went to the park. It would have been a perfect night, if Lizzie had still been alive. The weather was just right and the sky was clear. Lizzie loved starry nights, and she would have loved this one. It was almost as if the stars were grieving along with us. That sounds corny, but that's how I felt about it at the time. To this day, starry nights hold a special significance to me.


	29. Chapter 29

CHAPTER 29 (SATURDAY)

Lizzie's funeral was the next day. I think it was one of the hardest and saddest days of my life. I don't remember much of the service. The McGuire's minister said a few words and some of Lizzie's favorite songs and poems were sung and read, but that's all I really remember. Your father and I sat together, with your grandparents. I bawled the whole time. Jo and Sam invited your father and I to the gravesite service, since we were Lizzie's best friends. Your father and I said a few words, as did Lizzie's parents and brother. After the service was over, we left the gravesite so that Jo, Sam, and Matt could be alone with Lizzie. Your father and I watched the scene from afar; we couldn't leave Lizzie yet, but we didn't want to intrude. As Lizzie's casket was lowered into the ground, Jo passed out. People began swarming around her until Sam asked them to give her some room...

_**FLASHBACK SEQUENCE**_

After the gravesite service concludes, mourners file past Sam, Jo and Matt, expressing their condolences. The last mourner leaves, and the family is left to be alone with Lizzie one last time. Matt walks to the casket and puts his right hand on the casket.

Matt: Hey, Lizard. _Sighs._ Hmmph, that's the last time I'll be able to say that to you. _A tear rolls down his cheek._ You've only been gone three days, but I miss you like crazy. I love you, Lizzie. _He kisses the tips of his index and middle fingers and places them on the casket. He turns and hugs his parents. Then, he steps back so his parents can be alone with her._

**Sam approaches the casket next. He runs his hand down the length of the casket.**

Sam: Hey princess. I miss you. I don't know how I can say goodbye, so I guess I'll say see you later. I love you, baby. _He leans down and kisses the casket. Jo approaches the casket and puts her arms around Sam. They look at each other and begin to cry. Sam puts his on her shoulder. _I can't believe our baby's gone! _Jo holds him. Then Sam leaves so Jo can say her goodbye._

Jo: I guess it's just you and me now. I don't think there's any good way to say goodbye. Oh baby, why? _She studies the casket._ I miss you so much! My sweet daughter, I love you more than words can express. _She looks over and sees the work crew approaching._ I'm not ready to let you go! How can I let you go? _Sam approaches his wife and puts his hand on her shoulder._

Sam: It's time, honey.

Jo: I can't let her go! _She brushes his hand away._

Sam: Jo, come on. We gotta go.

Jo: I wanna stay.

Sam: Okay.

**The three of them watch as the crane lowers the casket into the ground. Sam and Matt stand on either side of Jo.**

Jo: _Cries harder and reaches toward the casket._ Not my baby girl! Nooo! _A wave of nausea hits. She takes a step forward and passes out._

Sam: Jo! _He kneels down and shakes her shoulder. _Jo! Honey? Are you okay? _A crowd gathers around._ Please, give us some room.

Jo: _She moans and opens her eyes. _Wha? What happened?

Sam: You passed out. _Jo begins to sit up, but another wave of nausea hits._ Are you okay?

Jo: I'm fine. Help me up. _Sam helps her into a nearby chair and Matt gives her a cup of water._ Sam, our baby girl's gone.

Sam: I know. _He rubs her back._

Jo: They put her in the ground.

**The three of them look at the grave than now holds their daughter and sister. A few minutes pass.**

Sam: Jo, it's time to go.

Jo: I can't leave my baby.

Sam: Come on. _He leads her to the car and Matt follows._

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

(..._Miranda stops writing at this point...)_

Miranda puts down her pen and picks up the picture of she, Gordo, and Lizzie on their first day of high school. "Lizzie, I miss you. I wish you were still here. Five years later, and I still wonder why." She puts the picture down. It's nearly 1 in the afternoon and time to pick her children up from preschool. She starts to walk out of the study. As she gets to the doorway, she turns and looks again at the pictures on her desk and sighs.


	30. Chapter 30

CHAPTER 30

_A/N--This is still the 5th year anniversary date of Lizzie's suicide._

_A/N2--(9 Dec) I goofed on the calendar when I originally wrote this chapter. Instead of the flashbacks being set one month after her suicide, they should be set nearly six months after. Sorry for the previous inconsistency, but when you write multiple stories within a story, it's an easy error to make._

**That afternoon, Miranda's phone rings.**

Miranda: Hello?

Jo: It's Jo.

Miranda: How are you? I've been thinking about you guys today.

Jo: Thanks. It's hard to believe it's been five years.

Miranda: Yeah. David and I are stopping by the cemetery later.

Jo: **Blinks.** I thought you would like to know that Melina had the baby today. They named her Elizabeth JoAnn, after Lizzie and myself. They're gonna call her Bethany.

Miranda: Wow! Congratulations, grandma!

Jo: Thanks. **She blushes.**

Miranda: How's Melina feeling?

Jo: Tired, but good.

Miranda: How about the proud papa?

Jo: I don't think reality has set in yet. Actually, that goes for all of us. I can't believe Matt's a father.

Miranda: That does sound unreal.

Jo: **Laughs.** Yeah, it does. Anyway, she's at Memorial Hospital in room 315. I know they would love it if you and Gordo, umm, I mean David stopped by.

Miranda: We'd love to. We'll stop by on the way to the cemetary. Mom's gonna keep the kids for us. I'll let you go so you can get back to your grandbaby. Congratulations again. Bye.

Jo: Thanks. Bye.

**They hang up.**

Miranda calls her husband and tells him the good news. Then, she walks back to the study, and looks at her children's baby books. "Wow," she thinks to herself, "sometimes I can't believe I'm a mom." Laughing somewhat, she continues in thought. "Matt's a dad? Now, THAT'S something that's hard to believe." She finds a picture of Lizzie McGuire in her daughter's book. "Lizzie would have loved her niece. I know she would have been such a great aunt. Matt and Melina are gonna have a big adjustment." She puts the album away and gets out her daughter's journal. She resumes writing...

Being a teenaged mother has been both a rewarding and tough job. Sometimes I wish your father and I had waited to "start a family" until we were older, but I wouldn't trade you and your brother for anything. After Lizzie's funeral, life went back to normal; well, actually, life went back to normal for everyone else. Classes went on without Lizzie, teachers still gave out assignments, and your father and I still had homework. However, for your father and me, everything changed. We were no longer a trio; it was no longer Lizzie, Gordo, and Miranda. Now it was Gordo and Miranda. Lunch was the hardest. We used to eat at one of the courtyard tables. However, after your father and I kissed the day of the funeral, things became awkward between us. Your father ate lunch in the computer lab, and I ate off campus. Besides classes, we didn't see each other much, until nearly six months after Lizzie's suicide (school was almost out for the summer). We decided to go out to the cemetary together.

_**FLASHBACK SEQUENCE**_

Gordo and Miranda meet after school and walk to the florist's. They walk around, looking at different floral arrangements.

Gordo: What kind of flowers do we wanna get?

Miranda: She liked pink carnations.

Gordo: That sounds fine. I wanna get a couple red roses too. I always gave her one when we'd go on a date. **He looks away.**

Miranda: **Takes his hand and they walk to the counter.** We'd like a bouquet of flowers.

Store Clerk: Oh, out with your boyfriend, eh? I think I've got just the thing, something romantic.

Gordo: **Annoyed. **Look, my girlfriend's dead. She killed herself six months ago. We're taking the flowers to her grave. So, I'd suggest you cut the attitude and fix us a bouquet for my girlfriend and her best friend.

Store Clerk: **Embarrassed.** I'm sorry. I just thought... Well, the two of you holding hands... **The pair look down at their hands and break apart, as if they were tossing a hot potato.** **The clerk clears his throat.** Hey, I'll fix you a bouquet free of charge. Just name it and I'll get it for you. I shouldn't have assumed.

Miranda: I'd like some pink carnations, red roses, and daisies.

Gordo: Daisies?

Miranda: When we were little, we would make wreaths out of daisies and wear them on our heads. Our moms called us their little fairy princesses. I'll have to show you a picture sometime.

Gordo: **Laughs. **I bet you were really cute.

Miranda: We were.

**The clerk fixes the bouquet and gives it to Miranda. The pair leave the store and walk to the cemetery in silence. Neither realize they resumed holding hands. They get to the gravesite and Miranda puts the flowers in the vase. They sit in front of the temporary marker.**

Miranda: It looks so empty.

Gordo: Whadya mean?

Miranda: There's no headstone yet.

Gordo: Oh. **They sit in silence for a few minutes.** I can't believe she's gone.

Miranda: Me too. **Sighs.** I remember when I met her. We were in preschool. Some kid started picking on Lizzie, so I put paste in the kid's hair. We immediately became friends.

Gordo: **Laughs.** Miranda to the rescue. Lizzie was the only one who didn't laugh when I threw up on Miss Stokes' rug during Magic Circle Story Time.

Miranda: Remember picture day in 7th grade?

Gordo: That sweater was priceless! No wonder she begged to borrow a shirt from just about the entire school.

Miranda: She was willing to throw herself in front of that bucket of paint to save my outfit.

Gordo: Yeah. I thought her picture was cool, though! She was covered in green paint, and held that paint-covered sweater like a showpiece.

**The pair laughs uncomfortably. They leave the cemetery and go to Miranda's house. Without realizing it, they continue to clasp hands. **

**AT MIRANDA'S HOUSE (flashback sequence continues)**

**Miranda and Gordo walk through the front door. She calls out to her mother, but no one answers. **Guess no one's home, **she states. She sees a note on the kitchen counter.**

_Miranda, _

_Your Aunt Rosa's in town, so we went to the day spa. We'll be back later tonight. Here's money for pizza. Your sister's staying at a friend's house. Remember, your dad has that business trip today. I'm trusting you, mija._

_Mom_

**The pair goes up to Miranda's room.**

Miranda: Ah, here's the picture of Lizzie and I with wreaths made out of daisies. **Gordo smiles.** We made wreaths for our moms and our next door neighbour took our pictures. **She shows him the series of photographs.**

Gordo: **Looks at a picture of young Miranda. He comments softly,** so cute.

Miranda: What?

Gordo: Oh, nothing. **He leans forward and kisses her.**

Miranda: **Her eyes widen.** Wow! **She mouths, and returns the kiss.**

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

(Miranda resumes writing)

We didn't mean for it to happen, but that's the day you were conceived. That may be too much information for you, mija, but that's how you came to be. After that day, we realized we needed each other. We decided not to hide our feelings from each other, however we didn't let our parents know at first. They knew Lizzie and your father had been dating and we weren't ready to tell anyone. Besides, we didn't want it to get back to Lizzie's parents. How would they feel if they knew their daughter's boyfriend and best friend were now dating? Of course, we weren't able to hide our relationship from them for very long.


	31. Chapter 31

**Chapter 31**

_**A/N—I used Alta Vista's Babel Fish translation website to translate from English to Spanish. I don't remember enough Spanish to translate accurately, but these translations seem fairly close. So, I'd appreciate constructive feedback from those who have better facility in Spanish than I have, but no flames, please. I did put the English in parentheses, so if you're not fluent in Spanish...(ME!)**_

I didn't know my life was going to turn upside down six weeks later. I woke up for school (Your father and I had enrolled in a summer enrichment program); I think it was a Monday, and felt like I was gonna lose my lunch. The only problem was that I hadn't eaten anything yet. I get up and rush to the bathroom before your Aunt Stevie got the chance to hog it. She was ten at the time, but acted more like _she_ was the one who was sixteen. She thought she was hot stuff because she was enrolled in a summer dance program at the Y. Fortunately, I made it on time, but she followed close behind and started pounding on the door.

_**Flashback Sequence:**_

Stevie: _Knocking on the door._ C'mon Miranda, I've gotta get ready for dance camp!

Miranda: Leave me alone!

Stevie: But Miranda!

Miranda: Go away! _Gagging. Hears her yell down the hall._

Stevie: Mom! Miranda's sick!

Miranda: No _(cough)_ I'm not _(cough)_! _Hears footsteps, and Daniella approaching._

Daniella: _Knocking on the door._ Miranda? Mija, are you okay? _No answer._ _She hears gagging noises on the other side of the door._ Sweetheart, what's wrong?

**Miranda finishes emptying the contents of her stomach, flushes the toilet, brushes her teeth and washes her face. She stands there, looking in the mirror._ I look like hell!_ Then, she sees the calendar on the wall, and notices today's date. _Oh shit! NO! I can't be! Oh God!_ Daniella keeps knocking on the door, and Miranda realizes she can't ignore it anymore, and answers the door.**

Miranda: What?

Daniella: Are you okay? You don't look so good.

Miranda: I'm okay.

Daniella: Your sister said you were throwing up.

Miranda: I don't think last night's dinner agreed with me.

Daniella: I can write you a note for school, if you think you need to stay home.

Miranda: I'll be okay. I've got a test today anyway.

**(I finish getting ready for school)**

**At school (sequence continues)**

**Gordo meets Miranda at their lockers.**

Gordo: Hey. Are you okay? You look pale.

Miranda: We need to talk, but let's wait until after class.

Gordo: _Concerned. _Is everything okay? What's going on? You don't wanna break up or anything, do you?

Miranda: No! It's not that. _She regains her composure._ Really, let's talk after class.

**They go to class, but neither one really pays much attention.**

Miranda (deep in thought): _I can't believe I'm pregnant. God, it's so hard to even say that word. I can't be having a baby! _**She looks over at Gordo. **_Gordo's gonna hate me. If anyone should be having a baby, it should be Lizzie and Gordo, but she's dead! I can't be having my best friend's boyfriend's baby. Maybe it's a false alarm. No, I can't be pregnant. Dinner just didn't agree with me. Yeah. That's it. I'm okay. I'll just buy a test and take it this afternoon. It'll be negative. Yeah, that's it. I'm not pregnant. I'm just late. Oh shit._

**After class, they walk over to the nearby park to talk.**

Gordo: What's going on? You've been acting weird all day.

Miranda: _Tears stream down her eyes._ Gordo, I...

Gordo: Miranda? What's wrong? _He wipes a tear from her eye._

Miranda: I'm late.

Gordo: What do you mean, late?

Miranda: I was supposed to start, you know, a couple weeks ago. And, this morning, I felt queasy and threw up.

Gordo: _Still looking clueless._ Which means, uh?

Miranda: I'M PREGNANT, DAMMIT!

Gordo: _Jaw dropping._ You're, uh, we're, uh gonna have a baby?

Miranda: Yessss! _She hisses._

Gordo: Are you sure?

Miranda: If you mean, have I taken a test, no, but you know what we did the day we visited the cemetery.

Gordo: Man! Oh boy. What are we gonna do?

Miranda: The first thing we're gonna do is buy a test, and I'm gonna take it.

Gordo: My folks aren't home, so if you want, you can take it there.

Miranda: Sure. I don't think I'm ready to tell my folks yet. There may be nothing to tell.

**En route to Gordo's house, they stop by the drugstore. **

Miranda stops at the threshold: Are we ready for this? _She inhales._

Gordo: No, but I'm here for you. We'll get through this together.

**They walk in the store and find the pregnancy tests.**

Miranda: Man, there are so many. Early predictors, digital readouts, steady stream, ugh! **She picks up a couple boxes and reads the backs.** I think I'll get this one. It looks easy enough. At least it has two tests, just in case. **The couple goes to the register to pay for their purchase. She pulls out some cash.**

Gordo: I'll get it.

Miranda: Are you sure?

Gordo: Yeah. **He pays for the test, and they go to his house.**

**The couple go to Gordo's room, Miranda takes the test out and reads the directions.**

Gordo: Are you ready?

Miranda: Yeah. **She goes into the bathroom and takes the test. She comes back into the bedroom. Gordo is sitting on his bed.** It says we have to wait 10 minutes before it's ready. In 10 minutes, our lives may be changed forever.

Gordo: Yeah. Whatever happens, I'll be here for you. Whatever you decide, I'll support you.

Miranda: _A bit annoyed._ What do you mean whatever I decide? It's your baby too?

Gordo: Well, if you decide to have an abortion or put it up for adoption, or keep it, I'll be behind you all the way.

Miranda: Abortion? How can you even? I'd never!

Gordo: _Breathes a sigh of relief._ Good. I was hoping you'd say that.

Miranda: _The timer goes off._ I guess we find out if our lives have changed. _They both go into the bathroom. Miranda picks up the stick and looks. Positive. She looks at Gordo, and a tear escapes her eye._ I knew it. I'm pregnant. _She shows him the stick._

Gordo: _Takes the stick and looks at it. He picks up the directions and looks at the key. He sighs._ A baby. We're having a baby. Aw, man. _ He puts the test and directions back on the counter and hugs Miranda._ We'll get through this, okay?

Miranda: _Sniffs and nods._ Yeah.

_**Sequence Ends**_

Miranda looks at the picture of Lizzie taken the day she was born. "Oh, mija, we were so scared!" She resumes writing...

Your father and I went back to his bedroom and held each other for an eternity, it seemed. We knew our lives were going to be changed forever. We also knew we couldn't keep this a secret for long. I was already six weeks pregnant with you, and knew that things would be obvious in a few short weeks. Even though telling your grandparents was going to be hard, telling Sam and Jo McGuire was going to be extremely difficult. We had betrayed Lizzie. We decided to take things one at a time.

Your father's parents got home a couple hours later, and we called my parents to meet us at Gordo's house. We asked if they could get someone to babysit Stevie, and they agreed. We really didn't want to explain this in front of your aunt. Our folks didn't know we were dating, and we weren't ready to tell the McGuires either. We were afraid that Stevie would blab; she has a knack for divulging secrets.

As predicted, they went ballistic. Your father's parents thought we were making a mistake deciding we wanted to keep the baby, but your father insisted. My parents were so mad, they started yelling in Spanish...

**_FLASHBACK SEQUENCE BEGINS_**

Daniella: ¿Miranda cómo podría usted hacer esto? ¡Le confiábamos en! **_(Miranda how could you do this? We trusted you!)_**

Miranda: ¡Estoy apesadumbrado, mamá! **_(I'm sorry, mom!)_**

Eduardo: ¿Así pues, usted va a guardar al bebé, o a ponerlo para arriba para la adopción? **_(So, are you going to keep the baby, or put it up for adoption?)_**

Daniella: No firmaremos el consentimiento para un aborto. Está contra la enseñanza de la iglesia. **_(We will not sign consent for an abortion. It's against Church teaching.)_**

Miranda: ¡Sé, yo sé, mamá! No deseo un aborto; Deseo guardar a este bebé. **_(I know, I know, mom! I don't want an abortion; I want to keep this baby.)_**

Eduardo: ¿Gordo va a ayudarle a educar a este bebé, o él le dejará para levantarlo de se? **_(Is Gordo going to help you raise this baby, or will he leave you to raise it by yourself?)_**

Miranda: Él estará allí para mí, para nosotros. Él nunca camina hacia fuera en su cabrito. ¿Cómo puede usted incluso acusarlo de abandonar a su niño? **_(He'll be there for me, for us. He'd never walk out on his kid. How can you even accuse him of abandoning his child?)_**

Eduardo: ****Hemos tenido ya todos los niños que deseamos; no deseamos ser forzados en criar a nuestro nieto.**_ (We've already had all the children we want; we don't want to be forced into raising our grandchild.)_**

Daniella: Ayudaremos, pero no deseamos levantarlo. Es su niño, mija. **_(We'll help, but we don't want to raise it. It's your child, daughter.)_**

Roberta Gordon: Could we have this conversation in English, please?

Eduardo: I'm sorry.

Howard Gordon: You know, parenthood is difficult.

Gordo: Dad, I can handle it.

Miranda: So can I.

Daniella: If you're committed to raising this child together, or if you decide to give the child up for adoption, we'll support you.

Roberta: We will too, David.

Gordo and Miranda: Thanks.

Howard: One of your first responsibilities or duties as parents is to tell Sam and Jo McGuire.

**The young couple looks stunned.**

Daniella: That's right. Lizzie was your best friend.

Roberta: And David, she was your girlfriend.

Gordo: You don't have to remind me, mom!

Miranda: I know she was our best friend.

Daniella: You'd best tell them sooner than later. You won't be able to hide this forever.

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

We knew they were right. Your father and I already felt guilty, like we had betrayed Lizzie. Now, we had to face her parents. It hadn't even been a year since her suicide, and their grief was still raw. Telling Sam and Jo McGuire was one of the hardest things we have done.


	32. Chapter 32

**Chapter 32**

Miranda walks back into her office after putting Lizzie and David Jr. to bed. She takes out Lizzie's baby book and turns to the pictures at the hospital. There's one of Jo McGuire holding baby Lizzie. "I'd forgotten about this picture. Wow." She sees another picture, one that was two pictures superimposed over each other, of Lizzie McGuire and her namesake Lizzie Gordon. "Lizzie should have been there to hold my baby, but then again, if she were still here, I probably wouldn't have my baby. Since when did life get so complicated?" Miranda picks up her pen and continues writing in her daughter's journal….

Your grandparents told your father and me that our first responsibility as parents was to tell the McGuires about you. We waited a month after we told your grandparents to tell them. That was one of the hardest things we had to do. Lizzie hadn't even been dead a year, and her best friend and boyfriend are dating (and had slept together). How sad is that? However, I do not regret having you at all. You are such a delight to your father and me.

Even though the McGuires eventually supported your father and me, it really hurt them when we told them. Jo was 8 months pregnant with Marin, and we wanted to tell them before the school year began so that Matt wouldn't wonder when questions began flying (which they did)….

_**FLASHBACK SEQUENCE**_

Miranda sits in her bedroom, looking at photographs of her, Gordo and Lizzie. Tears fall down her cheeks. "Lizzie, how am I supposed to tell your parents that I'm pregnant with your boyfriend's baby? I wish you were here to give me advice. Well, you'd probably kill me. I feel like I cheated on you. I guess that's because I did." Gordo knocks on the door. "Come in."

He walks in the room and sits on the bed. He looks at the scrapbook. "I miss her too." Their eyes meet.

"Oh, Gordo," Miranda wraps her arms around his neck and begins crying. "I wish we didn't have to tell the McGuires."

"Me too. I've already called them. They're expecting us soon."

"What did you say?"

"I told them that we wanted to come over to visit."

"What about Matt?"

"He's there."

Miranda cries harder, "I don't wanna face them! We thought our parents were bad. They're gonna be crushed!"

"I know, but we have no choice. They're gonna find out sooner or later from someone, and it might as well be us."

"Can't we just run away and start our lives over?"

Gordo grins and kisses her on the cheek. "No. C'mon. Let's get this over with." They leave her bedroom, hand in hand.

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

"That was so hard!" Miranda says to herself. She continues in her journal…..

We walked up the McGuires' driveway and your dad rang the doorbell. I felt myself stiffen when Jo answered the door. She looked so tired; her face was pale and she had dark circles underneath her eyes. I wondered if she had been crying. She had just buried her daughter 7 months previous and was 8 months pregnant. I knew we were adding to her burden and grief, but we couldn't do a thing about it. I swallowed hard, and followed your dad into the house. We told her we needed to talk to her, Sam, and Matt, so we waited on the couch while she got them. When they returned, Jo spoke first….

_**FLASHBACK SEQUENCE**_

Jo: So, what did you want to talk to us about?

Gordo: Uh, you know Lizzie and I began dating after we came back from Rome?

Sam: Yes. **Sounding somewhat annoyed or frustrated. He sighs.** David, what's this about?

Gordo: I…I…I…uh, I was devastated when I heard she, uh.

Miranda: **Interrupting.** You see, she was mm, m, my best friend, and I really miss her.

Matt: You know something, don't you? **Begins yelling. **You know why she did it and you're not telling! FK YOU! **He starts to walk off.**

Jo: Matt, watch your language!

Gordo: No! I don't know why she did it!

Matt: Yeah right. **He snorts.** She was your girlfriend. I bet you told each other everything. Why didn't you do something? Some boyfriend you turned out to be.

Gordo: Right. If that's so, I was a lousy boyfriend because I had no clue. I had no clue that she was depressed. If I did, I would've tried to help. **Tears form.** Matt, I feel incredibly guilty that she did that and I couldn't stop her.

Sam: None of us knew. We all let her down.

Jo: **Becoming annoyed.** We can rehash this all day long. The bottom line is our daughter is DEAD! Gordo, why are you here? Did you ask to talk to us to soothe your guilty conscience? If so, leave and don't come back. I don't blame you for Lizzie's death, but this is not helpful. **She turns to Miranda.** You haven't said a word. Why are you here? **She pauses and gasps. She sees Gordo and Miranda's hands clasped together.** OH MY GOD YOU'RE DATING, AREN'T YOU!

Miranda: **Her eyes widen.** Uh… **She trails off and looks down.**

Jo: **Her eyes narrow as anger builds.** You two were supposed to be my daughter's best friends. My daughter hasn't even been dead a year, and you're dating? Did you come here to get our blessing?

Miranda: No, we didn't.

Jo: I should've known, though. You two looked pretty cozy at her funeral.

Sam: That's not fair, Jo. We lost our daughter, but they lost their best friend.

Gordo: For as long as I can remember, it was David and Lizzie. Heck, I've heard stories from you and my mom about how we were supposed to grow up and get married some day. Well, Lizzie won't grow up. We won't be getting married. When we met Miranda in preschool, we became Lizzie, Gordo, and Miranda, the trio.

Miranda: Lizzie and I talked about how we would grow up, get married, buy houses next door, and have twins—a boy and girl each, so they could marry each other. **Tears fall from her and Jo's eyes.**

Gordo: Our world was turned upside down when she died. All we had was each other. We didn't intend to start dating, but it just happened.

Jo: **Speaking in a hushed tone. **What. Just. Happened?

Miranda: **Looks down and places her and Gordo's hands on her abdomen.** I'm pregnant.

Gordo: And I'm the father.

Matt: **Enraged.** WHAT! FK YOU BOTH! **He storms out of the room, heads upstairs, sits at the top, and listens to the rest of the conversation.**

Sam: **Exasperated.** I can't say I'm surprised. I see how close you two appear. I guess if I were in your shoes, I would have clung to my best friend too. But, if you're here for our blessing, I can't give it.

**Jo sits in silence, crying, unable to say a word.**

Gordo: We're not asking for your blessing, but since we were Lizzie's best friends, we felt we should tell you.

Jo: **Regains some composure. **Did you really, or did your parents make you come over?

Miranda: Our parents, but we knew we needed to tell you.

Matt: **Walking back downstairs. **What, so you could rub it in our faces? Ha! Ha! The joke's on you! We're Lizzie's best friends and we're having a baby. I thought you were her friends, and as soon as she's dead, you jump in the sack. Were you dating while she was alive?

Gordo and Miranda: NO! We'd never!

Matt: **Finishes their thought. **Do that to Lizzie? Well, guess what. You did. You betrayed my sister. I don't know if I can forgive you for that.

Gordo: We're not asking for your forgiveness….

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

Miranda continues writing….

Mija, telling the McGuires was really difficult. Sam and Jo were crushed, and Matt was livid. We hadn't seen them since the funeral. Matt was no longer the zany, happy-go-lucky kid we'd come to know. He was sullen and angry; your father thought he looked troubled. Of course, Lizzie's death had been hard on him. He found her. Although he didn't know she was dead, I can't imagine finding my sister dead. No wonder he lost it and turned to drugs. Who would've thought Melina would be the one to snap him back into reality. Perhaps fatherhood will be good for him. Sam came around first. I think he really missed your father. There were so many times your father was at the McGuire's house working on some project with Sam and Matt. After Marin was born, Jo came around. I think Marin was healing for her. She became one of my best sources of support. I could tell her things I couldn't tell my mom or your dad's mom.

It was difficult emotionally being pregnant. We were taunted at school. Kate was nice to us, but Claire and Parker were merciless. Many of our classmates accused us of cheating on Lizzie, which wasn't true at all. But we felt like we cheated on her too. Jo helped us realize we weren't. She told me she felt honoured when we told her we wanted to name you Lizzie if you were a girl. She thought that was a fitting tribute to our friend, and that Lizzie probably would have been thrilled. I'm not so sure about that, but that would be nice...


	33. Chapter 33

**Chapter 33**

(Miranda continues writing)

The first semester of your dad and my sophomore year in high school was rather difficult. As predicted, people talked. They accused us of betraying Lizzie, which, of course, we felt like we did. We were really glad when final exams rolled around and passed. That meant we had a couple weeks to recuperate from all the stares and questions. What's really ironic is that Lizzie's mom, Jo, was our biggest supporter, well, besides your grandparents and aunt. Your Aunt Stevie was so excited when we told her she was going to be an aunt. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah, Jo McGuire.

In order to tell you about how your dad and I chose your name, I must tell you about how Jo and I reconciled with each other. Marin was born not too long after we told the McGuires about you. Your dad and I went to the hospital to see the newest McGuire. We felt awkward about going up there, since they were upset with us, but we wanted to make peace with them. Perhaps we shouldn't have, but we did. Sam and Jo were polite, but formal. Fortunately Matt was gone when we came up, because he would have been furious.

_**FLASHBACK SEQUENCE**_

Gordo and Miranda knock on the door.

Jo: Come in. **The couple hesitantly enters the room. Jo is holding Marin. **Hi Gordo, Miranda. It's good to see you. **Her facial expression betrays her, for she is not glad to see the couple. Sam does not say a word, but stares at Gordo.**

Miranda: **Approaches the bedside.** Mrs. McGuire, she's beautiful.

Jo: Thank you.

Gordo: Hi, Mr. McGuire, Mrs. McGuire. **He stares at Sam, scared of what he might say.**

Jo: You can come closer. **Gordo complies, and looks at the baby. He can't help but think that she looks a lot like Lizzie's baby pictures.**

Miranda: How are you feeling?

Jo: I'm good, **(looking at Marin,)** aren't I sweetheart?

Miranda: **Stammering, looking for the right words, **I don't know if this is the right time or place, but I'm really sorry that Gordo and I hurt you. I know that us telling you about our baby really hurt you, but we felt you had a right to know.

Gordo: Uh, we didn't mean for it to happen.

Jo: **Sighing in frustration. **Gordo, Miranda, why are you here? If it's to rehash this, then please leave. We know you didn't intentionally hurt us, but you did. Maybe in the future, we can forgive you, but right now, I'm sorry I can't.

Sam: You two were Lizzie's best friends, and to see you as a couple, having a baby reminds us that our oldest daughter is not here, and she should be. I don't mean to be rude, but I think you two should leave.

Jo: I'm glad you stopped by. Really, I am. **Her face softens.**

Miranda: We'll go, but we brought something for the baby. **She hands a gift bag to Jo.**

Jo: Thanks. That was really sweet of you.

Miranda: You're welcome. What is her name?

Jo: Marin Faith. **She opens the bag and pulls out a couple outfits. **Oh, how cute! Look, Sam. **She shows the outfits to her husband.** Look at the one with the ducks. It's so sweet!

Gordo: It's a pretty name.

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

We didn't stay very long. Even though they were polite, it was a very uncomfortable visit. Your dad and Sam were able to reconcile around Halloween. Sam wanted to make a computer program which had a talking jack-o'lantern for the trick-or-treaters. He's not a programmer, but your father knows a thing or two about computers. So, they made up while working on the project. Matt would have no part of it. He was increasingly sullen. We heard things about him at school. He was getting in trouble, and not because of his usual pranks. He was cutting class, talking back to teachers, neglecting his homework, and the list goes on. I'm really surprised Lanny and Melina stuck by him. Well, they also began getting in trouble with him.

Jo was reluctant to talk to me, so I pretty much stayed away. I couldn't blame her at all. I don't know if I would've wanted to talk to me if I'd been in her shoes. However, we did get a chance to talk right after final exams. She had presents for us from Lizzie. It was almost a year since her death, so that means she purchased them sometime around the previous Christmas. That girl really loved to shop. I happened to come over with your father while he was working on another project with Sam. Jo came out to the porch, holding Marin….

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

Jo: Hi Gordo, Miranda.

Gordo: Hey Mrs. McGuire.

Miranda: Hey.

Jo: Sam, could you take Marin?

Sam: Okay. **Jo hands him the baby. **I love you Jo, **he whispers in her ear.**

Jo: Miranda, can we talk?

Miranda: Uhh, sure. **She follows her into the living room. They sit on the couch.**

Jo: I want to apologize to you about how I have been treating you.

Miranda: What do you mean?

Jo: I've been so short with you and Gordo. I feel I've been rather mean to you both.

Miranda: I don't blame you at all. I mean, I think I'd have a hard time if my daughter's best friends hooked up after her death.

Jo: **Looks her in the eyes.** We've been so wrapped up in our own loss that we, I didn't even consider the fact that you lost your best friend. You must have been hurting a lot, and it's only natural that you turned to each other.

Miranda: **Eyes downcast.** Uh, yeah, I guess so. **Becoming nervous.** Seriously, we didn't do this intentionally, or to hurt you or Lizzie.

Jo: I know you didn't. We didn't make things easy for you guys either. We should've been more understanding. Can I confess something?

Miranda: Sure.

Jo: I was afraid that you and Gordo were going to have a girl. It felt like this baby was going to be a replacement Lizzie or something. I know that must sound crazy.

Miranda: No, not at all. Gordo and I have talked about that as we pick out names for this baby. I don't want the baby, if it's a girl, to be a replacement Lizzie either. Lizzie was my best friend, and no one could ever replace her.

Jo: So, what are you going to name the baby?

Miranda: If it's a boy, we want to name him David Zephyr Junior.

Jo: After his father. Good choice. Matt's middle name is Sam's middle name, Bryan. So, if it's a girl, what are you going to name her?

Miranda: We want to name her Elizabeth Miranda, and call her Lizzie.

Jo: After Lizzie. **She trails off and becomes sad. A tear falls.**

Miranda: **Feeling guilty. **I'm so sorry. Maybe we should reconsider.

Jo: **Interrupting. **No! No, I think Lizzie would have been pleased. **She pauses.** Lizzie. As it should be. Life must go on. **Tears stream down her face.** I'm really happy for you.

Miranda: Thank you. You don't know how much this means to me….

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

Miranda looks again at the picture of Jo holding baby Lizzie Gordon and then to the superimposed picture of Lizzie and Lizzie. "Oh Lizzie, I miss you. I'm sorry you felt you needed to end your life, but you've missed out on some incredible things. Your sisters and baby brother, your niece, and your best friends' children. What was so horrible that you felt you needed to end it all? I guess we'll never know, will we." She continues writing…

Lizzie, from that day on, the McGuires became some of our strongest supporters and friends. They were there when you and your brother were born, and we were there when the twins were born as well. We've shared so much together, the births of our children, Jo's cancer, Matt's drug use and recovery, your dad and my marriage, Matt and Melina's pregnancy and now birth of Bethany. Even though babies do not come with jobs, you were definitely a healing presence for us all. I love you so much sweetheart and although it hurt to lose Lizzie McGuire, I wouldn't trade anything, for if I did, I wouldn't have you or your brother.


	34. Chapter 34

**Chapter 34**

_**A/N—This chapter will be a bit long, for I'm completing this part of the story. Thanks for your feedback and suggestions for this story. And now, read on and enjoy!**_

Miranda finishes writing for the day, puts the journal away, turns out the light to the office and goes to bed. Gordo is already in bed.

Gordo: Late night?

Miranda: **Getting in bed and kissing her husband.** Yeah, just writing in Lizzie's journal.

Gordo: What about?

Miranda: Well, about Lizzie McGuire and how our daughter came to be.

Gordo: That seems like such a long time ago.

Miranda: Yeah, but it's only been five years.

Gordo: I know, but it seems like forever. I still can't believe she did it.

Miranda: Do you know why?

Gordo: No, I don't. **He sighs. **I wish I did.

Miranda props herself up on her elbow: Gordo, do you regret…us?

Gordo: No! How can you say that?** He kisses his wife.** I love you. I love our kids. I'm the luckiest man in the world.

Miranda: Well, if Lizzie hadn't killed herself, then we probably wouldn't be together. You and Lizzie probably would have married and had kids. Ours wouldn't exist.

Gordo: I dunno. We were kids; we were only 15. Who knows if Lizzie and I would've still been together? **He pauses.** Do you regret us?

Miranda: No, I love you too. It's just so hard, I suppose.

Gordo: What do you mean?

Miranda: Well, I miss Lizzie and all, but if she were still here, our kids wouldn't exist. I wish Lizzie were still here, but I don't wish Lizzie and David Jr. away.

Gordo: That is difficult.

Miranda rises: I know.

Gordo: Where are you going?

Miranda: I can't sleep. I think I'll go write.

Gordo: It's late. Come back to bed.

Miranda: I won't be up too long. **She kisses her husband and goes downstairs to her office.**

Miranda turns on the light and sits at her desk. She picks up a picture of her and Lizzie. "I miss you, Lizzie. You were my best friend. You could've come to me if something was wrong. We shared everything. What was so bad that you couldn't share it with me?" She sighs and continues, "You missed out on so much! Did you know your mom was pregnant with your sister, Marin, when you died? Did you know that your mom was so overcome with grief and stress over being pregnant that she passed out at your graveside service? I am so angry! You were so selfish! What's wrong with you anyway? Did you know that your mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer while pregnant with your twin brother and sister? She nearly died. Your dad lost his job while nursing your mom through nearly three years of grueling chemotherapy. The stress of your death, the births of three babies, her cancer, his job loss, and Matt's drug use (yes, I said drug use!) nearly drove them to divorce! I never thought Sam and Jo McGuire would even contemplate divorce, but they did. Not many people knew that; they appeared to be rock solid through all their stress and strain. I wish I could tell you off to your face, but no, you're dead! You took the easy way out! Gordo and I could've helped you, so would've your mom and dad, even Matt would've helped you. We loved you!" Tears begin forming. "I lost my best friend! I didn't have a best friend with which to share my hopes and dreams. I needed my best friend! I got pregnant and had to go through my sophomore year as an unwed pregnant teenager. I didn't have my best friend as a source of support! Dammit! I wish you had been there to hold my baby. I named her after you. Your mom was there. She was in the delivery room with me when I gave birth. I wish you had been there."

She puts the picture down, pulls out her daughter's journal, and begins writing….

I remember when you were born. I stayed home from school, because my stomach was upset. I thought I had the stomach flu or something, but then around noon, contractions hit. Your grandmother was at work, so I phoned your dad's cell. He was at school, taking a history exam. What timing!...

_**FLASHBACK SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

Gordo: Hello?

Miranda: It's time!

Gordo: Wha?

Miranda: Gordo, aaargh! I'm having contractions and I can't reach mom on her phone. AAAAH!

Claire: Shh! I'm trying to take my exam!

Mrs. Banks (the history teacher): What's going on?

Gordo: Hang on, Miranda. I'm on my way.

Miranda: Hurry! Ow, it hurts!

Gordo: Go lie down. I've got a key; I'll let myself in. **He hangs up and starts to leave the classroom.**

Mrs. Banks: Is there something wrong, Mr. Gordon? People are trying to take a test.

Gordo: My girlfriend. She's in labor. I need to go, uh, hospital.

Mrs. Banks: **Writes a note.** Here, take this to the office. Good luck and congratulations.

Gordo: Thanks. **He rushes out of the room, out of the school, and into his car. He speeds all the way to Miranda's house and races to her bedroom. He finds Miranda in bed. **Oh sweetheart, **he begins, kissing her cheek.** How are you?

Miranda: Oh, oh, okay, **she states between gasps.** We need to go, now.

**Gordo helps her out of bed, grabs her bag and the couple drives to the hospital. He finds a parking spot close to the entrance of the hospital and escorts her into the hospital. He checks in with the receptionist while Miranda sits down.**

Receptionist: May I help you?

Gordo: My girlfriend, she's having a baby.

Receptionist: Are you preregistered?

Gordo: Yes. Her name's Miranda Sanchez.

Receptionist: Sign this form and I'll get Nurse Jones to take her to her room. Are her parents on their way?

Gordo: Yeah.

**The nurse takes Miranda and Gordo up to her room, and settles Miranda in. A few minutes after the nurse leaves the room, the doctor comes to examine her.**

Dr. Winters: Ms. Sanchez, I'm Dr. Sherri Winters.

Miranda: Where's Dr. Keller?

Dr. Winters: He's out with the stomach flu, so I'll be handling his patients. Are you David Gordon?

Gordo: Yes, ma'am.

Dr. Winters: Let me examine you to see how far along you are.

**Before the doctor begins the examination, there's a knock at the door.**

Miranda: Come in.

Daniella Sanchez: Mija, how are you? **She kisses her daughter on the forehead.**

Miranda: My back's killing me, **she states between contractions.** Where's dad?

Daniella: He's on his way.

Dr. Winters: I'm Dr. Sherri Winters. Are you Ms. Sanchez's mother?

Daniella: Yes, I am. Nice to meet you.

Dr. Winters: Now, if the two of you could step out for a minute, while I examine Ms. Sanchez.

Miranda: Miranda. Call me Miranda.

**Gordo and Daniella step out, and the doctor performs her examination. After she finishes, she calls the pair back in. Eduardo has joined them.**

Dr. Winters: Miranda, you're about a 4-5. Would you like anything for pain? If you want, you can have an epidural or a spinal, or pain meds through your IV.

Miranda: I guess I'll have an epidural. Aaah!

Daniella: C'mon baby, breathe. **She mirrors her daughter's breaths.**

Dr. Winters: Mr. and Mrs. Sanchez, I'll need you to sign a consent form, so we can get started.

Eduardo: Whatever my little girl wants.

**A few minutes later, the anesthesiologist puts in her epidural. Soonafter, Miranda and Gordo fall asleep. Daniella and Eduardo watch TV.**

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

Miranda stares into outerspace. "That seems like such a long time ago!" She continues writing….

Oh mija, you were in such a hurry to get out here and meet us. We wanted Jo McGuire to be present for your birth, and you nearly beat her to the delivery room. You're such a headstrong child; you don't want to miss a thing.


	35. Chapter 35

**Chapter 35**

_**A/N—This is the conclusion of "Dear Lizzie." Matt's POV will begin in the next chapter. Thanks for reading; I've enjoyed writing this story.**_

_**FLASHBACK SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

Miranda and Gordo sleep through the night. Daniella and Eduardo take turns sleeping or staying up to see after their daughter. At nearly 5 am, Miranda awakes with a big contraction.

Miranda: AAAAH!

Daniella: **Startles awake and rushes to her daughter's side.** Are you okay?

Gordo: **Startles.** Miranda?

Miranda: No! Oww! I have to push!

Daniella: Breathe, honey. **She pats Miranda's forehead with a damp cloth.**

Miranda: No! **She knocks her mother's hand away. **Call Jo McGuire. **Miranda shouts.**

Daniella: Are you sure?

Miranda: The baby's coming! AAAAAH!

**Daniella pushes the nurse call button.**

Nurse Jones: You called?

Miranda: The baby's coming! I have to push!

Nurse Jones: **She examines Miranda. **I think you're right. Let me page the doctor. **She pages Dr. Winters.**

Miranda: Dad, can you call Mrs. McGuire for me? AAAH! Please!

Eduardo: Sure. **He dials the McGuires. Sam answers.**

Sam: Hullo?

Eduardo: Sam? I'm sorry it's early, but Miranda's in labour.

Sam: Wha?

Jo: **Rouses awake. **Sam, what is it?

Sam: Miranda's in labour.

Jo: Gimme the phone. **She takes the phone. **Hello?

Eduardo: Jo?

Jo: Yeah. What's going on?

Eduardo: Miranda's in labour. She's asking for you. She's just about ready to deliver.

Jo: I'm on my way. **They hang up.**

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

Miranda pauses, then continues writing...

Everything happened so fast. The doctor came in and decided that yes, I was about to deliver. You were coming quickly. Your grandparents were reluctant to call Mrs. McGuire, but I'd asked her to be in the delivery room with me, mom and Gordo. She had agreed, although I have a feeling this moment would be bittersweet for her. My baby, you my darling, was a girl, another Lizzie. Although we reassured each other that you would never be a replacement for Lizzie McGuire, it was hard not to think that. You could never replace nor ever be Lizzie McGuire. You are Lizzie Gordon and my beautiful daughter. I will never ask nor expect you to be her.

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

Dr. Winters enters the room and hears Miranda yelling: It sounds like someone's ready to deliver. Let me examine you. **She assesses Miranda's progress.** The baby's almost here. Let's get you to labour and delivery quick. Nurse Jones, take Mr. Gordon and show him where he can get dressed.

Miranda: Gordo! Don't leave me! **She reaches out to her boyfriend.**

Gordo: I'll be there as soon as I can. **He gives her a kiss.**

Miranda: Hurry!

Gordo: I wouldn't miss this for the world. I love you, Miranda Sanchez! **He rushes out the door.**

Miranda: **Whispers to the door where her boyfriend once stood. **I love you too.

Dr. Winters: Let's get rolling! **She and a nurse get Miranda onto a gurney and wheel her into the delivery room. Daniella stays with her, and Eduardo leaves them at the waiting room. **

Eduardo: **Kisses his daughter. **I love you, baby. I'll see you soon.

Miranda: Love you too, dad. **She arrives at the delivery room. Gordo isn't far behind.** Gordo!

Gordo: I'm here.

Dr. Winters: As soon as I say, I want you to give me a big push.

Miranda: Wait! Mrs. McGuire's not here yet. Aaaah!

Dr. Winters: I don't think you have much choice. This baby's coming in a hurry. Now, push.** Miranda does as instructed.** Good. I can see the head. Push again! **Miranda complies.**

Miranda: Owww!

Daniella: C'mon, baby. She pats her daughter's forehead with a damp cloth.

Miranda: Don't touch me!

Gordo: C'mon sweetheart.

Miranda: You did this to me! Aaaah! You knocked me up! **She throws a rice bag, but misses.**

Dr. Winters: Push again!

Miranda: It hurts, dammit! **Jo McGuire rushes into the room. Miranda's face lights up.** Jo, you made it!

Jo: I wouldn't miss it.

Dr. Winters: The head's out. Gimme another push. **Miranda pushes.** I've got the shoulders. Push again!

Miranda: Aaaarrggh!

Jo: You can do it, Miranda.

Miranda: NO I CAN'T! AAAAAH!

Dr. Winters: The shoulders are out!

Gordo: **Weeping. **She's almost out!

Dr. Winters: One more push, and you'll have your baby!

Miranda: AAAAAAAH!

Dr. Winters: **Pulls the baby out and flips the baby on the foot. **It's a girl! **She places the baby on Miranda's abdomen.**

Miranda: Oh my G-d! She's beautiful! **She strokes the baby's head. **Hi baby!

Dr. Winters: Gordo, would you like to cut the cord?

Gordo: Okay.

Dr. Winters: **Handing the scissors to Gordo,** cut right here. **He does as instructed.** That's right. Do you have a name for this little girl?

Miranda: **Looks at Jo, who nods, and then at Gordo.** Elizabeth Miranda Gordon. **A tear escapes Jo's eyes.**

Jo: Lizzie, **she says in a hushed voice, as tears begin to fall.**

Gordo: She's beautiful, just like her mother.

**Nurse Jones takes the baby over to the table to be weighed and measured. Gordo and Daniella join baby Lizzie. Daniella snaps pictures.**

Nurse Jones: 6 and a half pounds, 19 inches, 9 out of 10 on Apgar, born at 6 am. You've got a good looking little girl here. **She passes baby Lizzie to Gordo, who brings her back over to the bedside and places her in Miranda's arms.**

Miranda: Hi Lizzie. It's mama. I can't believe you're here. You're so beautiful.

Gordo: She's got your eyes.

Miranda: And your hands.

Daniella: She looks like you when you were born, mija.

**Jo studies baby Lizzie, as tears fall from her face.**

Miranda: **Sees Jo tearing up.** Would you like to hold her?

Jo: Sure. **Miranda passes the baby. **Hi Lizzie. You look like your mama. You're so beautiful. Lizzie. **Tears stream down her face and she passes the baby back to Miranda.**

Miranda: Welcome to the world, mija.

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

Miranda continues writing….

Your grandmother left the room to inform your grandfather and your dad's parents that you had made it safely into the world. After we were settled back into our hospital room, we made pictures of your father and me with you, and also with your grandparents and Mrs. McGuire holding you. We were all excited that you were here. It was a bittersweet moment for Mrs. McGuire, really, for all of us. On the one hand, she was happy that you were here and that your father and I chose to name her after her daughter and our best friend, but we were all acutely aware that someone who was not present should have been. Lizzie McGuire.

I don't regret a thing that happened that allowed you and your brother to come into my life, and neither does your father. We love you so much, sweetheart. You are a source of joy in our lives. We will always miss Lizzie McGuire, and wish that things could have been different. We wish there was a way that she could've met you and your brother, but if she were still here, you might not be. I think this is one of those contradictions or paradoxes, or whatever it may be, that life often throws our way.

We love you so much, Lizzie. I'm so glad that you're my daughter. I'm honoured to be your mother. I hope that you grow up to be a happy, healthy, beautiful, and lovingperson that you are.

All my love,

Mom

--------

_**A/N—Matt's POV is next, "My Sister, My Friend". I'll be wrapping up the story soon. Thanks for reading. I've really enjoyed writing it.**_


	36. Chapter 36

_**MY SISTER, MY FRIEND**_

_A/N1—This is a companion piece to Jo's Loss, Moving On After Loss, and Dear Lizzie. Rated a strong M. Hint, strong M for language and some graphic stuff (no more graphic than at the beginning of Jo's Loss, however). Taken from Matt's POV. Begins five years after Lizzie's suicide._

_A/N2—Italics mean segues. This POV piece will shift through time, so I will label accordingly._

**Chapter 36**

I am sitting here, at the hospital, looking at my future wife, with my daughter, Bethany in my arms. She's sleeping right now. She's so tired, because she just gave birth. This feels so surreal; I can't believe I'm a father and soon to be a husband. Whodathunk that crazy Matt McGuire would be a father?

Mom and dad just left; they needed to see after my younger sisters and brother. You noticed that I didn't mention Lizzie in that sentence. Well, I can't, because she committed suicide five years ago today.

My life is so different now. It seems like the prankster that was Matt McGuire is a totally different person. Was I ever a prankster? I was heading straight into trouble, but Melina saved me. If it wasn't for her, I would have never met this beautiful baby who is my daughter. She gave me an ultimatum—unless I straightened up and changed my ways, I would never get to see my daughter.

Right after she died, I was sullen. Who wouldn't be? I'd lost my sister. Even though I liked to bug her, I really looked up to her. She was my role model. She was my big sister. I needed my big sister. I missed my big sister.

Bethany's named after Lizzie and mom. Her real name is Elizabeth JoAnn, but we want to call her Bethany. Lizzie's death has made such an impact on all of us; we've named our kids after her. I guess it's our way of keeping her close. Marin's middle name is Faith, because we've had to keep our faith in order to keep from going crazy. Brooke is Lizzie's middle name, so my youngest sister's name is also Brooke. Miranda and Gordo named their daughter Elizabeth, and call her Lizzie. Then, our daughter is named Elizabeth too.

There's so much I want to teach my daughter. I've learned a lot during my 17 years. I love this child. She's my daughter.

_

* * *

_

_This is shortly after Lizzie's suicide. Matt is lying on his bed._

FK! My sister's dead! I can't believe Lizzie took the coward's way out and killed herself! We just buried her the other day. That was hell. Mom and dad look like they've aged about 20 years in one week. Mom fainted after the graveside service. Dad looks distant. This sucks.

I'm angry! Lizzie robbed me of my sister. I never thought she would f'in kill herself. What the hell was she thinking? I know, she was selfish! She had everything going for her. She'd just landed a recording contract with Isabella Parigi for the next summer; she was in the honour choir at High School (which was nearly impossible for a freshman), and she was dating Gordo. We all thought they would get married someday. DEAD! That's where she is. She's gone! She's buried in the cold, dark ground, forever 15. She'll never learn to drive, nor graduate from high school, nor go to college, or get married, or have kids. I miss my sister.

I can't believe I walked in on my dead sister and didn't even realize she was dead. What sort of brother am I? What sort of brother doesn't even realize that his sister is dead? I was too wrapped up in making her life miserable that I didn't even notice. I'm pond scum.

* * *

_He moves forward to a few months later._

Dammit! Mom and dad grounded me for skipping school. Why should I go to school? It's boring anyway. I hate sixth grade. My teachers suck. I'd rather hang out with Melina and Lanny, so we ditched. It's not like I'm learning anything anyway. Plus, with Lizzie's death a few months ago, and now there's a new baby on the way, mom and dad won't notice me if I ditch school or sneak out of the house at night, big deal! Who narked anyway? I bet it was Heywood. He's had it in for me.

I got home well, from school, as far as my parents knew.

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

Matt: Mom, I'm home! **He slams the door behind him.**

Jo: Freeze, mister!

Matt: **Stops in his tracks.** What!

Jo: Where were you today?

Matt: At school, duh! Where else would I be?

Jo: Try the arcade! And cut the attitude.

Matt: I wasn't at….

Jo: **Cuts him off.** The principal called and said you weren't at school today. He asked me if you were sick. Plus, Mrs. Garrett from next door was at the mall and saw you, Melina, and Lanny at the arcade playing DDR.

Matt: So I cut a class, what's the big deal?

Jo: What's the big deal? What's the big deal? I'll tell you what the big deal is. You're supposed to be in school, not hanging out in the arcade. You're grounded for a month.

Matt: A month!

Jo: Do you wanna make it two?

Matt: No.

Jo: That means no TV, no X-Box, no phone, no friends over.

Matt: Fine! I'll be in my room.

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

I can't believe I got grounded. Since when do they pay attention to me? Lizzie's been dead for a few months. Mom and dad are having a baby in a few months. There's no time for me. They're too wrapped up in themselves to pay attention to me. Even though I liked to give my sister grief, I miss my sister. She was my friend. I remember when she stuck up for me when Heywood was giving me grief….

I was in my "Magic Trick" phase. I wanted her to do some tricks with me, but she said she was busy. I threatened to mess up some of her bandanas, and she went ballistic. It was fun making her go crazy. So, I did what all little brothers would do; I handcuffed us together. It would've been fine, but mom was on to us. She took the key. We wound up being handcuffed the whole day at my sister's charity fair or whatever it was. I got to annoy her even more! Heywood started throwing popcorn at me. My big sister told him where he could go and what he could do once he got there. At the end of the day, mom and dad had mercy on us. Dad had made up this whole story about having to go buy a new key; he met us at the fair and said he found one. Right. Actually, mom had given him the key to hang on to for safe keeping. Anyway, he threw us the key and Lizzie uncuffed us. So, Lizzie and I decided to cuff him to one of the trolls (or something; I don't know what it was) at the golf course.

Then, there was that time we switched bodies and wound up being each other for a day. I was accused of putting soap bubbles in the fountain, but I didn't do it. I got two weeks of detention. Clark Benson did it. Lizzie was able to get him to admit what he did; she, Lanny and Melina traced soapy footprints to him.

I also helped sneak her into Aaron Carter's Christmas video shoot. Gordo had no clue where it was, when he was trying to guess on the map. He thought he was so smart, but there were times he was flat out dumb. Their plans to sneak in failed miserably, but mine worked. Well, it worked for me; I was mistaken as Aaron Carter's stand-in. Lizzie, Gordo, and Miranda eluded the security guard and landed in Aaron's dressing room. Eventually, Lizzie and Miranda got to meet Aaron and then got busted by the security guard. It was really fun toying with them, when the guard asked me if I knew them. I finally let them off the hook and told the guard that they were the best stunt elves he'd ever seen. Aaron let Lizzie, Miranda, and me be in the video, and Gordo filmed. That was one of the best times I spent with my sister.

Although we fought like cats and dogs, I knew she really loved her spiky-headed little brother.


	37. Chapter 37

**Chapter 37**

_Matt jumps a few months later; Marin is born._

My sister, Marin Faith, was born a few days ago. Gammy McGuire, Nana and Grampa Chuck were up visiting; they were here waiting for the baby to come. They brought me to the hospital the day my little sister was born. I thought she was pretty cute. Mom said she looked like Lizzie as a baby. That sent just about everyone into tears. We were all aware of who was missing. Lizzie. She would've gone apeshit over her little sister. She's always wanted a little sister. I find it a bit ironic that the sister Lizzie always wanted was born not too long after she died. Scratch that. Not too long after she killed herself. If she'd only waited, then she would've met Marin. Perhaps then, she would've reconsidered.

Miranda and Gordo stopped by the hospital. They'd thrown mom a baby shower, but relations were still strained. See, they've hooked up and now they're having a baby. Boy, when they told mom and dad about the baby, they hit the roof. They were supposed to be Lizzie's best friend and boyfriend, and not even a year since she died, these two hook up together. I can't stand them. Gordo was like an older brother to me, but now, I can't stand the sight of him. I'm glad I wasn't in the room when they stopped by; I don't know what I would've said. The three of them should've been fawning of Marin, but nope, Lizzie took the easy way out. She ruined everything.

We took Marin to Lizzie's grave yesterday. Man, that sucked. We shouldn't have had to do that. We started talking about Lizzie; yeah, I got caught up in remembering. I guess mom and dad wanted to tell Marin about Lizzie, I dunno. We watched home movies afterwards. I had to leave the room, because I couldn't take it. Mom and dad never asked me why, or came to see if I was okay. I guess they don't have time for me with Marin here now. I love my little sister, but I miss my folks. I miss dad yelling at me or mom busting my pranks. I miss my sister yelling, "MOOOOOOOM!" at the top of her lungs. I miss my sister.

* * *

_A year after Lizzie's death._

Lizzie's been dead a year. G-d, it seems like a long time ago. Except for a few pictures here and there, you wouldn't think a fifteen-year-old girl used to live here. Marin now uses Lizzie's bedroom. We went back to the cemetery today and watched home movies; I think this is becoming a McGuire family tradition. Yay. What a tradition. I can think of better traditions to have than sitting in front of my sister's tombstone.

I think Marin's about the only bright spot in my life. I started 7th grade this year. I hate Hillridge Junior High. I don't understand why Lizzie loved Junior High (well, she would've loved it if Kate and Claire didn't plague her life). Melina, Lanny and I usually cut class or sit in the back and cut up. We've gotten detention more often than not. Mom and dad are constantly on my case. At least I have Marin to come home to. She's actually really cute. I love to pick her up and carry her all around the house. Mom says she looks like Lizzie; I think she's trying to turn her into Lizzie. Well, I'm Marin's older brother, and I can add some fun into her life. I can really make her laugh. I love to tickle her chin. When I do my funny faces, she'll laugh and clap her hands. She also loves Lanny and Melina. Lanny can make her laugh too, and she loves to hold a lock of Melina's hair and fall asleep. I wasn't looking forward to being an older brother, but I like this little girl. Lizzie sure missed out on a good thing here.

* * *

_Right after Jo's cancer diagnosis._

I found Lizzie's real journal. Mom thinks she found her journal before Marin was born, but that wasn't her real one. Lizzie had another journal; because she caught me one day reading what I thought was her real journal. Mom had put all of Lizzie's things away a month or so after Lizzie died. I was looking through the attic a few days ago because me and Lanny wanted some ammo against Heywood. I was hoping he'd transfer to the other Junior High, but nope, he's still plaguing my life at Hillridge Junior High.

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

Matt: Lanny, look through that box over there, and I'll see what's in this one.

Lanny: Blinks.

Matt: **Face falls.** I'm sorry. I didn't know that you have a phobia of white cardboard boxes.

Lanny: Blinks twice.

Matt: Well, I guess they could come out of your closet at night when you're asleep. Stranger things have happened, I suppose. **Pauses.** Okay, I'll look through the white boxes, and you can take the brown ones over there.

**They begin looking through boxes. Matt pulls out a purple book.**

Matt: Hello, what's this?** He opens the book and begins reading. Tears begin streaming down his face.**

Lanny: **Stops in his tracks and looks at Matt. **He blinks.

Matt: It's Lizzie's diary. I, uh, I don't think I wanna look around up here anymore. **He puts the book back in the box and they leave the attic.**

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

I went back up to the attic that night and read her diary. I couldn't believe it! She wrote why she killed herself! I can't even repeat it right now. Why'd she think her life was so awful that she couldn't come to us? Didn't she know how much she was loved? I've gotta hide her journal from mom and dad; I don't think they could take it if they knew why she did it. They've got a lot on their plate anyway.

Mom's been diagnosed with ovarian cancer, and isn't supposed to make it. What next? She's pregnant with twins. Does this mean she'll lose them? I've already lost one sister. I don't wanna lose the twins or my mom. After they told me about her cancer and how they're gonna treat it, I ran up here to the attic. It's become my refuge. They usually check my room or the back yard; they haven't figured out that I hide up here a lot.

I can hear a lot of things up here. I've listened in on so many of mom and dad's conversations. They were talking about her cancer diagnosis a short time ago:

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

Jo: "Sam, I'm scared," **she cries**, "What's gonna happen to me?"

Sam: "I don't know, but we'll do the best we can to get you well."

Jo: **Turns and looks at Sam**, "If anything happens to me..."

Sam: "Jo, don't talk like that."

Jo: "No, Sam, I have to. If I lose this battle, I want to know that you and the kids will be okay."

Sam: "We will be."

Jo: "I'm worried about Matt. Lizzie has been gone for just a little over a year, Marin is eight months old, we're having twins, and now this. I don't know how much more he can take. He seems so fragile."

**They hold each other until they fall asleep.**

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

A tear escapes Matt's eye. "I don't wanna lose my mom! Mom's worried about me." She has enough to worry about. She has to worry about dad, Marin, the twins; she doesn't need to worry about me. "God, please don't take my mom. I may be a prankster and troublemaker, but I need my mom. I love my mom." He waits until everyone was asleep, then quietly goes to his room. On the way, he stops by his parents' bedroom door. "I love you mom," he whispers.


	38. Chapter 38

**Chapter 38**

_Marin turns a year old and the twins are born._

Mom had the twins yesterday. So, my little brother and sisters all share the same birthday. That's pretty cool I suppose. Mom went into labor right in the middle of Marin's birthday party. Dad rushed her to the hospital, so Gammy McGuire, Nana, Grandpa Chuck, Aunt Dianne and I had to finish up the party and take care of Marin. All in all, I guess it wasn't so bad, but Gordo and Miranda had to show up for the party. Mom and dad have gotten all chummy with them. Whose best friends are Gordo and Miranda? Lizzie's or mom and dad's? Mom especially loves to play with Lizzie, Gordo and Miranda's kid. I think she's a spoiled little brat. They cater to her. She's younger than Marin, but takes Marin's toys away from her all the time. Except for the Gordon family showing up, Marin's party was pretty okay, I suppose. She was cute blowing out her candle and punching her fist into her cake. Mom was happy; it's the first time I've seen her happy in a long time. Plus, with her cancer and pregnancy, she hasn't felt too good either. So, if mom's happy, I'm happy.

Like when Marin was born, the grandparents took me up to the hospital to see the newest McGuires, while Aunt Dianne stayed home with Marin. Finally, I got a brother! Dad says Ben looks like I did when I was born. I think I'll call him "Mini Me." Finally, I've got a brother that I can teach stuff to, like the many uses of silicone and where to procure said substance, or the mechanics of taking the wheels off a teacher's desk without disturbing the contents on top of the desk. Brooke's cute too, so at least Marin has a playmate. They can do all the girly stuff together, I guess. Mom looked really tired. After popping out two babies in a row, I guess she has the right to be tired.

* * *

_Six weeks later; Jo comes home from having her first chemotherapy treatment._

Dad brought mom home from the hospital today. They were back when I got home from school. Yes, I actually went to school today. Since mom and dad have enough on their plate with the twins and her cancer, I decided to play it straight for awhile. My grades have always been good, so they haven't noticed half the stuff I've been into. I think I'll keep it that way.

I went upstairs and peeked in mom and dad's room. Mom was asleep. She was so pale; she looked almost dead. I've never seen her look so sick before. What the hell are they giving her? It can't be good for her.

Anyway, I snuck back up to the attic right after supper. I was the only one who ate. Mom was too nauseous, and dad wasn't hungry. I heard mom and dad in their bedroom. G-d, this sucks for mom.

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

**Jo is sleeping, curled up in her blankets. Suddenly a wave of nausea hits and she startles awake. She turns green and dashes into the bathroom. She barely makes it before she empties the contents of her stomach. Sam hears her and is immediately by her side. He holds her hair back, while she finishes.**

Jo: Sam, help me! **Tears stream down her face.**

**Sam holds his wife and gently pats her face with a cool cloth.**

Jo: Not again! **She throws up again, ending with dry heaves. She begins crying.**

Sam: Let me help you into bed.

Jo: Okay. **She states weakly.**

**Sam helps her up, walks her to the bed, and tucks her in. He lays down beside her.**

Jo: Sam, I can't do this! **She moans between sobs.**

Sam: We'll get through this together.

Jo: What if I don't make it?

Sam: Jo, we've discussed this before.

Jo: No, we haven't. **She looks him directly in the eyes. **I'm serious. The mortality rate for this particular cancer is high, even with treatment.

Sam: Let's not go there.

Jo: I just want everything to be lined up, just in case.

Sam: You're not gonna die.

Jo: **Becoming agitated.** There are no guarantees.

Sam: I can't lose you. I've already lost my oldest daughter. You're my life.

Jo: I just wanna know that you'll be okay if I don't make it.

Sam: We'll be fine.

Jo: Are you sure? I'm worried about Matt.

Sam: Why? He's doing well in school; he's actually going to school.

Jo: I'm still worried. **Rushes back into the bathroom. **Dammit!

**Sam stays by her side.**

Jo: G-d! There's nothing left! **She cries between gags. **Sam, hold me.

**Sam holds his wife. She falls asleep in his arms, and he carries her back to bed. Shortly thereafter, Sam falls asleep.**

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

G-d, I hope mom makes it! I can't lose my mom! Lizzie's dead. I don't wanna lose anyone else. Is this the way it's gonna be? Mom has always been so strong. I hate seeing her like this. **Matt begins crying.**

* * *

_Christmas Day_

Christmas was okay, I guess. It was quiet, like last Christmas. Marin provided some comic relief. She is old enough to play in the wrapping paper and bows, so I decided it would be great fun to cover her in bows. Then, I covered the twins in bows. I've gotten into photography, so I snapped bunches of pictures of Marin and the twins, especially covered in bows. Mom and dad liked the pictures and photo collages I framed for them. I made pictures of Marin and the twins with me, mom, and dad, and found pictures of me and Lizzie when we were babies. Mom was so touched, she cried.

Speaking of mom, she looks so fragile now. She stayed curled up on the couch for most of the day, but she did muster enough strength to help the twins open their presents and for a few family photos. I made Christmas dinner, and mom managed to eat a few bites. Since mom's been sick, dad and I have taken over the chores. I've learned how to cook, and actually, I really like it. My specialty is beef burgundy with onions, potatoes, and mushrooms.

Gordo, Miranda, and Lizzie came over today. They've been over a lot since mom got sick. They're a help to mom, so I guess I can be civil. Gordo tried to strike up a conversation with me. I just humoured him.

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

**Matt is outside, sitting on the back steps. Gordo looks out the sliding glass door, and sees him by himself. He opens the door and sits beside him.**

Gordo: May I join you?

Matt: I guess so. **He shrugs his shoulders.**

Gordo: How are you?

Matt: Fine.

Gordo: Are you sure? You don't look fine.

Matt: I'm fine.

Gordo: I'm sorry about your mom.

Matt: Yeah. Thanks.

Gordo: It must be hard on you.

Matt: **Becoming irritated. **Don't try to play psychiatrist on me! You don't know the half of it. Your mom's healthy. She doesn't have cancer.

Gordo: She had cancer when I was little. I know what it's like.

Matt: No, you don't! So your mom had cancer. Did your older sister kill herself? Has your mom been so overcome with grief that she fainted at her daughter's graveside? Did you get three siblings in the span of a year? Have you been awakened in the middle of the night, hearing your mother be sick and your dad trying to give her a measure of comfort? Have you seen your dad on the verge of losing it, because he can't help his wife? **Gordo stays silent.** I didn't think so. So until you experience those things, don't tell me you know what it's like, because you don't.

Gordo: I'm sorry. No, I don't know what it's like.

Matt: Yeah. Okay. But your life is so perfect. You've got your perfect little family, you, Miranda, and your baby.

Gordo: My life isn't perfect.

Matt: **Sarcastic.** Right.

Gordo: It isn't. I know you lost your older sister, but I lost my girlfriend, my best friend since I can remember.

Matt: So you jump in the sack with her other best friend. **Snorts.** Some boyfriend you turned out to be.

Gordo: I guess I deserved that. **Becomes agitated.** Do you know how guilty I feel? Do you know what I would do to bring her back? I wouldn't trade my daughter, but I'd move heaven and earth to bring her back if I could. I feel like such a loser, because I couldn't stop her. I wish I knew why she did it. I'm telling you the truth when I say I don't know why she did it. I would've tried to stop her, you know that, right?

Matt: I guess so.

Gordo: Matt, you're my best friend's little brother. I want to be your friend and help you, if you'd let me.

Matt: Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

Gordo: Tell me what's going on?

Matt: Nothing's going on!

Gordo: You're sullen, moody, not to mention rude to everyone. You're different. Where's the whacky Matt that I used to know?

Matt: I guess he's all grown up.

Gordo: I don't think that's it.

Matt: Fine. **He gets up.** I'm outta here. Tell mom and dad I've gone on a walk. **He leaves the yard and goes on a walk.**

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

I don't know what's up with Gordo. Since he became a father, he thinks he knows everything. He is all "more superior-than-thou". He used to be just a bit arrogant, but he's worse than ever. He acts all grown up. Becoming a teenaged father doesn't make one all of a sudden, all grown up. He thinks he knows everything about me, but he doesn't know the half of it. My life sucks! It's bad enough that Lizzie was a coward, but mom's sick and might die too. I can't lose her too! I love my mom. I don't know what I'd do without her. Yeah, she rides my case a lot, but I guess I deserve it. Still, I love her. She's my mom.

I wish Lanny and Melina weren't out of town. I'd ask them to hang out with me. I got some new plants and have learned how to roll my own. It's pretty easy. That way, we won't have to buy any from Clark Benson. Who knew he'd get into pot? He was always so geeky in school. He's the last person I thought would do pot. Now, he sells it and is making a mint. I don't think his stuff is that good anyway. I found some plants growing in the park, so I dug up a few. Lanny, Melina, and I found some information on how to grow and roll one's own on the internet. I'm growing them in the cave I dug a few years ago. Mom found out about the cave, and forbid me from using it again. She said it was too dangerous. So, she doesn't suspect I still use it. It's perfect for growing the plants, and best yet, it's a good way to get me away from the house. I dry it in my other refuge, the attic. I set up a lab there to dry and roll the stuff.

**Looks at his watch.** I guess I better get back. Dad will be wondering where I am. I hope Gordo and his little family are gone. I hate pretending to be nice to them. But since they've been really helpful to mom, I'll be nice.


	39. Chapter 39

**Chapter 39**

_Matt goes to Rome_

Lanny, Melina and I are having fun in Rome. Even after the stunt Lizzie pulled when she was in Rome, Hillridge Junior High still takes 8th graders to Rome. Ms. Ungermeyer was brave enough to take my group to Rome. Yeah, she's still the principal at Hillridge High School. Unlike when Lizzie was in Rome, mom and dad won't be making any emergency flights over, so I'm free to have as much fun as I wanna.

Graduation was a blur. Even though mom's sick from cancer, well, actually, she's really sick from the damned chemo, she still went to my graduation. Dad got Mrs. Garrett to baby sit Marin and the twins, so that mom and dad wouldn't have to keep up with them. It was a risk for mom to come to graduation, because her immune system is shot to hell. Also, she had just gotten home yesterday, from one of her 24 hour doses of chemotherapy. Still, she came. She's self-conscious about the way she looks. She lost all her hair, so she either wears a scarf or a wig. She's also thin and gaunt, with dark circles under her eyes. She has a hard time getting around because she's so sick.

Mom was so weak, and struggled to walk. She looked like a gentle breeze could have blown her over. Dad offered to get her a wheelchair so that she wouldn't have to walk or stand so much, but she refused. "I'm not an invalid. I can walk on my own," she insisted.

Mom was just as weepy at my graduation as she was at Lizzie's. She's so sentimental at times.

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

Jo: My baby boy's growing up so fast! **A tear escapes her eye.**

Matt: Mom. **He moans and rolls his eyes.**

Sam: We're really proud of you. As the famous philosopher….

Matt: **Interrupting.** Dad, please. No quotes from old dead guys.

**Lanny joins Matt.**

Jo: Hi, Lanny. How are you?

**He blinks.**

Sam: Are you nervous about giving the class address?

**He looks downcast.**

Matt: I'm sorry. I didn't know you had laryngitis! That's awful!

Sam: **Leans toward his wife.** How can ya tell? **Jo grins.**

Mr. Escobar (yells from the background): McGuire!

Matt: I guess he means me. **He kisses his mom on the cheek.**

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

Like Lizzie, I wind up giving the class address. I never ran for any student government office, but the class voted to have me deliver the address. Unlike Lizzie, I managed to get through it without tripping over anything, knocking anything down, or looking like a deer in headlights. In fact, my address was sheer genius! I topped off my speech with an airhorn which was hidden in my gown. The class broke out into applause, chanting, "Matt! Matt! Matt!" I could see mom and dad sink a bit lower in their seats. I think they were embarrassed. Hey, it was my graduation. I wanted to have fun.

_

* * *

At the airport_

Mom and dad took me to the airport the next day. Mom insisted on walking in with me, even though she was still exhausted from coming to graduation.

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

Jo: I can't believe my baby boy is going to Rome for two whole weeks. **She dabs a tear with a tissue.**

Matt: Why not? Lizzie went.

Sam: And she snuck out and pulled a huge stunt. I'm warning you now. Don't even think about pulling anything over there.

Matt: **Looking innocent.** Who me?

Jo: Right, Matt.

Sam: Just behave yourself.

Melina: **Walks up and wraps her arms around him.** I'll make sure he's good. **Looks at Matt. **You WILL be good, won't you?

Matt: Of course, sweetheart.

**The four walk up to the crowd of students gathering. They see Lanny and his family, and join them. Ms. Ungermeyer is already addressing the students.**

Ms. Ungermeyer: Listen up, kids. We're going to the greatest city in the world. I'm not going to put up with any shenanigans. **She looks over at Matt. **That especially goes for you, McGuire. I'm on to you.

**She finishes her speech, and the airline calls for boarding. Sam and Jo hug their son (Jo hugs him a little bit longer than usual), and send him on his way.**

Jo: Oh, my baby!

Sam: Let him go. You're squishing him.

Matt: Mom, I can't breathe!

Jo: I love you, honey.

Matt: I love you too. I'll be back in two weeks.

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

_

* * *

Finally, in Rome!_

The flight was fun. Lanny, Melina and I sat together and raised hell the whole time. Finally, we were away from our parents. We could do whatever we wanted. Ms. Ungermeyer thinks she's so smart. She hasn't tangled with Matt McGuire yet.

We did our share of sneaking out here and there. We didn't play sick like Lizzie did. What an amateur. She never got the hang of pulling stunts. Instead, we would sneak out at night and have a night on the town. Rome's great at night. The Trevi fountain is beautiful all lit up. Yeah, I know I've been in Rome before, but this is the first time I was in Rome with my two best friends.

One night, we ran into Isabella Parigi. We were at the Trevi fountain, and I heard a familiar voice. I looked over, and saw Lizzie standing nearby, with cameras around. There was a band by the fountain too. "That can't be Lizzie. She's dead." I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me, so I rub my eyes and look again. There she was, all grown up, almost 18 years old, willowy, blonde, tanned, and healthy. "But that can't be Lizzie. I saw her dead, all covered in blood. I was at her funeral and saw her casket being lowered in the ground. There's no way!" Melina knocked me out of my haze.

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

**Melina nudges Matt in the ribs with her elbow.**

Matt: Ow! What was that for?

Melina: You're staring at that girl. I thought you were with me.

Matt: I, I am, but that girl looks just like Lizzie.

**Lanny nods.**

Melina: Yeah, she does. **Begins thinking. **Didn't you say that Lizzie was mistaken for an Italian pop star when she was here?

Matt: Uh, yeah. Could that be her?

Melina: Let's go find out.

**The trio approaches the Lizzie look alike.**

Matt: Isabella?

Isabella: Yes?

Matt: It's me. Matt McGuire.

Isabella: Matt McGuire? **She studies him over, as if she can't place him.**

Matt: Yeah. My sister Lizzie performed with you at the IMVA a few years ago. Remember, she was mistaken for you?

Isabella: Yeah. I remember. How is she?

Melina: **Angry.** Look chick, whaddya mean, how is she?

Isabella: Who are you?

Melina: I'm Matt's girlfriend. What's it to ya?

Isabella: I haven't heard from Lizzie. I just wondered what she's up to.

**Lanny growls.**

Melina: Of course you haven't heard from her. She's dead.

Isabella: **Appears shocked.** Dead? When?

Matt: Two years ago. We wrote you and told you. Didn't you get the telegram?

Isabella: **Looking agitated.** I don't remember. **Looks over at the camera crew, who was ready to get started shooting.** Look, I've gotta finish shooting this video. **She hands him a card.** Here, we need to talk.

Melina: I'll say you do. And what's with the blonde hair?

Isabella: I know you snuck out of your hotel. Can you sneak out tomorrow?

Matt: Yeah.

Isabella: Well, I'll have my driver come get you, JUST you, not your friends, around 8.

Matt: My friends are coming too. See you at 8.

Melina: And you've got some major explaining to do, missy.

**Lanny frowns.**

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

We snuck out the next night and met Isabella's driver. He pulls the limo up to this huge house. It was so big; it looked like a castle. I couldn't believe she lived there. I wondered if Lizzie would have been rich like her if she'd lived long enough to come back to Rome, like she'd planned. Would she have made it in the music business? She was really good when she sang at the IMVAs. When we got out of the car, our jaws dropped.

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

Melina: Whoa! This is tight!

Lanny: **Blinks.**

Matt: Yeah, I could get used to this too.

**The trio enters the house. Isabella greets them at the door.**

Isabella: Ah, Matt! It's good to see you again. Come in, sit. **She shows them to the parlor, and they each take a seat.**

Matt: Let's cut to the chase. First of all, why do you seem like you have no clue that Lizzie died. My mom wrote you. Second, why the blonde hair?

Isabella: I never received the letter. In fact, I only heard from Lizzie once or twice since she left Rome.

Matt: That can't be. Lizzie said she had a recording contract with you the next summer.

Isabella: What exactly did she say?

Matt: That you had called her and invited her to come to Rome to record some songs with you. She said you wanted her to come back the next summer.

Isabella: I'm sorry, but that just isn't true. I toured the next summer. I wasn't even in Rome.

Matt: Did you even call or write to her?

Isabella: Yeah, I wrote, inviting her to one of my concerts when I was touring western Canada. I was gonna pay her way, because I thought it would be fun to sing together, but I didn't offer her a recording contract.

Matt: Then where did she get the idea that you had offered her a recording contract? She said you were gonna help her begin her solo career.

Isabella: I wish I knew. I was gonna surprise her with the opportunity to record a couple tracks with me, but that's all. I'm sorry. When did she die?

Matt: She killed herself in January, two years ago. The January after her trip to Rome.

Isabella: **Her face falls.** I'm so sorry. Why?

Matt: It's complicated. **He explains what he knew.**

Isabella: I'm so sorry that happened. I wish I'd tried harder to stay in contact with her. I thought she was a good singer and had great potential. I really am sorry, Matt.

Matt: Uh, huh.

Melina: So, what's with the blonde? You look just like Lizzie.

Isabella: I wanted a change. I just enjoy changing my look every once in awhile.

Melina: It looks like you're trying to be Lizzie.

Isabella: I'm not. I just like the blonde.

Matt: Right. Whatever.

Isabella: **Changes the subject somewhat.** How's your family?

**Matt begins to give her the history of his family since Lizzie's suicide….**

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

So Lizzie never had a recording contract with Isabella. Why did she tell us she did? What else did she lie to us about? It's like I don't even know my own sister anymore.

The rest of our trip to Rome was a bust. Fortunately, we came back home a couple days after meeting up with Isabella. Ms. Ungermeyer never found out we snuck out. As usual, we raised hell again on the return flight back home.

_

* * *

Back in the US_

Melina's family picked me up from the airport and dropped me off at my house. Mom had her three hour dose of chemotherapy yesterday, and was more nauseous than usual. She was sleeping on the couch when I got in.

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

Jo: **Opens her eyes partially. **Hey, Matt. Come over and talk to me.

Matt: **Unsure.** Okay. He gives his mother a light hug. How are you feeling?

Jo: I'm okay. I wanna hear about your trip. How was Rome?

Matt: Good.

Jo: I hope you took lots of pictures.

Matt: Yeah, I'll load them on the computer in a little while. This is for you. **He takes a wrapped package out of his suitcase and gives it to his mother.**

Jo: **Opens the package. **Thanks, sweetheart. **She pulls out a silk scarf. **It's beautiful. **She puts it on.** I love it. **She gives her son a hug.**

Matt: Thanks. Melina helped pick it out.

Jo: So, did you have a good time?

Matt: Yeah.

Jo: You didn't pull any stunts, did you?

Matt: No more than usual.

Jo: Matt?

Matt: I didn't pull any stunts.

Jo: **Breathes a sigh of relief.** I never received a call from Ms. Ungermeyer, so I guessed that you behaved yourself. **She snuggles down in the couch.**

Matt: Mom, I need to go unpack. I'll let you get some more sleep. I'll check on you in a few. Okay?

Jo: **Her eyes are already closed. **Mmmkay, **she mumbles.**

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

Matt goes to his room. "Mom looks awful, worse than she did before I left for Rome. Is the chemo even working? I don't wanna lose my mom. I can't lose my mom." He sighs, and begins to unpack. "I think I need a smoke." He finds his stash and lights up, being careful that the smoke goes out the window.


	40. Chapter 40

**Chapter 40**

_Matt's a freshman in high school._

Ah. High school. Yay. Welcome to Hillridge High School. Lizzie was looking forward to high school the summer before she was a freshman. Of course, she was also coming off that high from Rome. I thought she was enjoying it, but obviously not; she didn't even complete her freshman year. She killed herself not to long after the semester started after Christmas. School's okay, I guess. It gets me out of the house, that's for sure. I can't stand all the fighting.

The stress of all the crap at home has gotten to mom and dad, I suppose. Even though they appear to have a rock solid relationship, I know better. They're constantly fighting. All they ever do is fight. Fight about money. Dad lost his job. Even with medical insurance, the bills from mom's medical treatments are draining the finances. Lizzie's college fund is gone (like she'll ever need it). Mine's almost drained, I know it. The babies don't even have one. Mom feels guilty; if she didn't have cancer, then we wouldn't be broke. It's not her fault she has cancer. Of course, there are two more mouths to feed. Even though Marin was planned, Ben and Brooke weren't.

I love those little kids. They are also one of the few bright spots in my life. Marin is Lizzie made over, Ben is quiet and shy, but Brooke is crazy. She is me in a girl's body, that's for sure. Marin's two, and the twins are one. Brooke likes to sneak up on Ben and Marin, and take their toy. It's cute. I also like making crazy faces with her. She likes to imitate me. Maybe someday I'd like to have kids, I dunno.

Still, I can't take mom and dad's fighting much longer. I was trying to do my homework in my room and overheard one of their fights. Dad hadn't told mom about his job loss, and she was pissed!

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

Jo: "How's it going?" **she asks. **

Sam: "Oh, fine."

Jo: "You don't look fine. You look worried. What's wrong, Sam?"

Sam: "Oh nothing," **tries to brush it off**.

Jo: "It is NOT nothing. Tell me."

Sam: "I don't want to worry you, Jo. You've been sick and all..."

Jo: **That made her mad.** "Sam, I'm your wife. Don't shut me out."

Sam: "But..."

Jo: **She sits down and looks her husband in the eye**, "And don't give me that 'you've been sick' stuff. I know I'm sick. I've had cancer for over a year; there's not a day that goes by that I don't know that."

Sam: **Takes her hands in his**. "I'm sorry Jo. I should have shared this with you, but you've got so much on your plate. I didn't want to worry you."

Jo: "Sam, we're in this for better or for worse. I can handle it; give me some credit. Now, what's going on?"

Sam: **Shows her the books**, "We have nothing in savings and only two more months' worth in checking. If I don't find something soon, we're gonna lose the house."

Jo: "Is it my treatments? I'm sorry, if I hadn't..."

Sam: **Cuts her off**, "Jo, don't apologize. It's not your fault. We'll work something out. If I have to, I'll dip into my retirement."

Jo: "Maybe if I can cut back on my anti-nausea medication or something..."

Sam: "Absolutely not, Jo. You need it. It'll work out."

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

The other day, mom and dad's fighting got so intense. They were talking divorce. I didn't think dad would do that to mom, especially now. That's low. I can't believe dad would stoop so low as to leave mom.

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

**Sam is sitting in front of his books again. Bills are piled up beside his computer. Jo comes walking in wrapped in her robe.**

Jo: Going over the books again?

Sam: **Sighs.** I don't know how we're gonna make it this month.

Jo: What's wrong? **She sits down beside him.**

Sam: The insurance company doesn't want to pay for your treatments anymore.

Jo: Why not?

Sam: Since the regimen isn't standard protocol for your type of cancer, they don't think they need to pay for it. It's considered experimental.

Jo: Can't you talk to them?

Sam: **Getting irritated. **That's what I've been doing all afternoon! I can't work miracles, you know. If we didn't have all these bills, we'd be able to make ends meet.

Jo: It's not my fault I have cancer. If I could change it, I would!

Sam: Did I say that? We've gone through our savings, the kids' college funds. We can't even start funds for Marin and the twins. I've had to dip into my retirement funds.

Jo: Why didn't you tell me all this?

Sam: Because I didn't want to worry you. You've got enough to worry about.

Jo: I thought we'd settled this. I thought you were going to share what's going on. Don't shut me out.

Sam: But you're…

Jo: **Interrupting.** Don't go there.

Sam: Why not? My life's gone from bad to worse.

Jo: **Her eyes narrow. **Your life? What about mine? **She points to herself.** I'm the one with cancer. I'm the one who has to take the G-d awful chemotherapy. I'm the one who is always wretching her guts up. I'm the one who is in constant pain, and can't get around well. I'm the one who has lost all her hair and looks like I've starved myself. I'm the one who can't take care of her children, who has missed the first year of our twins' lives. **Becomes hysterical. **I'm the one who may die! Not you.

Sam: **Yells back. **I lost my daughter to suicide. I may lose my wife to cancer. I may lose my son to drugs!

Jo: What?

Sam: Haven't you noticed that our son smells like pot, or have you been too wrapped up in yourself to notice?

Jo: Sam, that's not fair!

Sam: Well, life's not fair! **Gets up and storms out of the room.**

Jo: **Follows. **Where are you going?

Sam: Out!

Jo: Don't leave! Don't shut me out!

Sam: I'm done! I can't take it anymore! Maybe we should just separate for awhile. If you need me, I'll be at my brother's house. **He walks out the door.**

Jo: Sam don't! **She crumples on the floor by the front door, and cries.**

**Matt sees his mother by the door and approaches her.**

Matt: Mom, are you okay?

Jo: Uh huh. I'm fine. **She replies, between sniffs.**

Matt: **Helps her up.** Do you wanna talk about it? **She shakes her head.** Dad left? **She nods.** Lemme take you to the couch.

Jo: Okay. **She replies weakly.**

Matt: Would you like me to fix you some tea?

Jo: Sure.

**Matt fixes her some tea and brings her a cup. He fixes a snack for himself and hears the one of the twins awaken. Jo gets up and goes upstairs.**

Matt: Mom, I'll go.

Jo: Matt, I'm going. They're still my kids. **She goes in the twins' room and sees Ben crying. **Hey kiddo. **She picks him up.** What's wrong? Are you hungry? I'll fix you a bottle. **She carries him down the stairs into the kitchen, and fixes a bottle. They sit in the rocking chair, and she feeds her son.**

Matt: Mom, I could've gotten him for you.

Jo: I know, but I'm his mother. As long as I'm able, I'm going to take care of my kids.

Matt: But…

Jo: **Interrupts. Cradles his cheek in her hand. **Oh, Matt. I appreciate what you do for me, so much. You've really stepped in to help with your brother and sisters, and the cooking and cleaning. I really do appreciate it. But sometimes I feel inadequate, because I can't do what I used to do.

Matt: I wish it was me instead of you.

Jo: What?

Matt: I wish it was me that had cancer, instead of you.

Jo: How can you say that?

Matt: You're my mom. I love you. I don't want to lose you. I hate that you're sick.

Jo: Oh Matt! **She coos.** I love you so much. I wish I weren't sick too. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, especially my family. I hope I get to stay around and watch you and your brother and sisters grow up and get married and have kids of your own.

Matt: I've lost my sister. I don't wanna lose my mom too.

Jo: If I can help it, I'm not going anywhere. I'm going to do my best to get well. **Looks down and notices Ben's asleep.** I need to put this little guy to bed. **Matt starts to object. **I want to put him to bed. It's late. You need to get to bed too. You've got school tomorrow. **She goes upstairs.**

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

Dad stayed gone for nearly a week. Gordo and Miranda have been a help to mom, taking care of my brother and sisters, while I'm at school. They've taken enough classes to where they go to school only half days. She goes in the morning, and he goes in the afternoon. They're also expecting another baby, and got engaged. I still don't like them. They betrayed Lizzie. Plus, Gordo still acts "More superior than thou." It gets on my nerves, so I stay away.

Mom didn't ask me about drugs that night. I think she was tired. She had a lot to deal with, since dad left and all. I snuck out my window, went to my cave, and smoked a few. I called Lanny and Melina, and they joined me. Lanny brought some brew that he made himself. It was smooth. I think he's got a knack for that stuff. Maybe he'll grow up and become a bartender or own a brewery. I felt guilty for leaving the house, but I had to get away. I snuck back in around 3 in the morning, and crashed on my bed until I had to get up for school. I try not to cut classes, because I don't want to make mom worry about me. Plus, Lanny, Melina, and I have decided to graduate early. In order to do that, we have to take extra classes, and actually attend them.


	41. Chapter 41

**Chapter 41**

_Sophomore year. _

Next year's my last year in high school. I'm glad; I hate this place. Lizzie was supposed to be a senior and graduate with her friends next year, but no, she's dead. Instead, Gordo and Miranda had another baby, David Junior, last year, and got married over the summer. They seem so cozy. Marin was the flower girl at their wedding. It should've been Lizzie's wedding. Lizzie should've been getting married to Gordo, not Miranda. Yeah, I went to the wedding, but I didn't want to. I went because mom wanted me to, so I took care of Brooke and Ben. Whatever makes mom happy, I'll do; she's gone through a lot, and I don't want to add to anything bad. Too late, I suppose. Dad's distant; he moved back in, and then out, and then in again. I'm tired of his flip-flopping. I wish he'd either stay or leave. I can take care of mom. He got a better job, which helped, but they still fight a lot. I can't take it anymore.

So, I go to school. I don't cut classes (well, much), and since Melina, Lanny, and I are graduating early, we haven't gotten too many detentions. My grades are high, so mom and dad don't suspect a thing. I've made my own college fund by dealing. My plants are doing well, and Melina, Lanny, and I set up a lab in the cave. If I manage not to blow it sky high, then I'll be doing all right. I've had a couple close calls. Lanny got his eyebrows singed. So, I've been able to afford some neat stuff, that's for sure. Mom and dad think I got a job at the grocery store. I've got a car, a tricked out entertainment system for my room, complete with TV, stereo system, and surround sound. I've got a slammin' bachelor pad, that's for sure. The cave's pretty tight too.

One day, I got home from school. Mom and dad were sitting on the living room couch. I walked in the door….

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

Matt: I'm gonna go hang out with Lanny and Melina.

Sam: We gotta talk.

Matt: **Stops in his tracks. **Uh, okaaay?

Jo: Come, sit down. **She pats a section of the couch.**

Matt: So, whaddya wanna talk about? Do you have to go back into the hospital?

Jo: No. We need to talk about you.

Matt: Me? What did I do?

Sam: Your mother and I are worried about you.

Matt: **He frowns. **Why?

Sam: I'm just gonna cut to the chase. Have you been doing drugs?

Matt: **Angered. **What?

Sam: You come in smelling like smoke. Sometimes you come in late, or leave at odd times. Also, I've noticed your room's all tricked out.

Matt: Dad, I work at Don's Grocer's. That's why my hours are odd. I make my own money. Can't I buy my own things?

Jo: Of course you can, but that's not the point.

Matt: So, what is the point?

Jo: I'm sorry I haven't been able to give you the attention you deserve. If I hadn't had cancer, maybe I could've given you more attention.

Matt: Mom, it's fine. I don't feel neglected.

Sam: Lemme smell your jacket.

Matt: What? Dad, that's weird.

Sam: I'm not kidding. Hand it over. **Matt does as instructed, and Sam takes a whiff. **This smells like pot.

Jo: **Tears well up in her eyes. **Matt, why?

Sam: Is that all you're doing?

Matt: Okay! I do pot! Big deal! It's no worse than cigarettes.

Jo: It IS a bit deal, Matt. It's illegal. You're not old enough to buy cigarettes anyway.

Sam: Where do you get it?

Matt: It's easy to get. There's a bunch of plants in the park.

Jo: Do you, do you sell it?

Matt: I have, some.

Jo: **Tears stream down her face.** Matt! **Begins yelling. **You could go to jail for that!

Sam: I don't want to see you throwing your life away.

Matt: Okay! I get it. **Sighs and rolls his eyes.**

Sam: And furthermore, we know you don't work at Don's Grocer's. So, you're either dealing a lot, or your stealing this stuff.

Matt: I'm not stealing! I don't steal! You taught me not to steal.

Jo: And we taught you not to do drugs, but you are.** Raises her voice.**You're a dealer, Matt!

Matt: Fine, I won't deal anymore!

Sam: We don't want you to do drugs either. Do we need to send you to rehab?

Matt: No! **Offended. **I can quit on my own. I don't smoke much anyway.

Jo: **Hugs her son.** I love you. I just want you to be healthy and happy.

Matt: I love you too. Can I go? I've got homework.

Sam: You're grounded for a month, by the way.

Matt: Fine.

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

I felt bad for snowing mom (I didn't care about snowing dad), but I had to. I had a good thing going; I wasn't about to ruin it. I worked on my homework the rest of the evening; I didn't think I should push it sneaking out. So, later that night, I went up to the attic. Mom and dad were discussing me.

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

**Jo is lying in bed, crying. Sam comes in and gets ready for bed.**

Jo: I can't believe it! My baby boy's doing drugs. **Tears stream down her face.** How long has this been going on?

Sam: I think it's been going on for awhile now.

Jo: Why didn't I see it? My baby was in trouble, and I didn't see it.

Sam: I don't think he wanted you to see it.

Jo: I feel like such a bad mother.

Sam: Jo, don't beat yourself up. You're a great mother.

Jo: **Sits up and looks her husband in the eyes.** I don't even know my own kids! There was something up with Lizzie, and she killed herself! I didn't even know that she was in trouble. Then, I find her in her bed, dead! **She raises her voice. **I've missed out on so much of Marin, Ben and Brooke's lives because of this stupid cancer! Now, Matt is a drug dealer! **She cries harder. **Why didn't I know? I'm their mother. I should know what's going on in my children's' lives!

Sam: **Pulls his wife into an embrace.** You didn't get cancer on purpose.

Jo: But I've missed so much! I don't know my babies.

Sam: I missed the signs with Lizzie, and I wasn't sure about Matt. I'm no stellar father.

Jo: What are we gonna do? I don't wanna send him away.

Sam: We'll start with random drug tests. If he fails them, we'll check him into rehab. If worst comes to worst, we'll move. We'll find a place for Matt to start over if he needs to.

Jo: Oh Sam, I'm scared for him.

Sam: Me too.

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

I feel like such a louse. I've caused mom more pain. She's had enough pain in her life. First Lizzie, and then her cancer, now me. I could just kick myself. Maybe I should quit dealing. It takes work to deal. I'll let Clark Benson have my customers. I'll save my stash for me, Lanny and Melina, for special occasions.

_

* * *

_

_Jo's in remission_

The chemotherapy started working for mom, and she finally went into remission. The tumors had been shrinking in the last year, but she still had to take chemo. They got home from the doctor's office. I was watching TV after school.

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

Sam: "How are the kids?"

Matt: "They're asleep. Marin's been down for a couple hours and the twins for an hour."

Jo: "Sam, I'm going to go check on the kids; I'll be right back." **As she goes upstairs, Matt looks at Sam puzzled. **

Matt: "Is mom okay? What did the doctor say?"

Sam: "She wants to tell you herself."

Matt: **Looking concerned,** "She's not gonna die, is she?"

Sam: "No, she's not."

**Jo comes back downstairs with Marin, who is in between being asleep and being awake. **

Sam: "Jo, let me take her." **She passes her over and the four sit on the couch.**

Matt: "Mom, what's going on?" **asks concerned. **

Jo: "The doctor said that I'm in remission. The tumors are gone!" **she grins from ear to ear. **

Matt: **Eyes brighten**, "You mean, the cancer's gone?"

Jo: "Yes!" **she nods**.

Matt: "So, you're not gonna die?" **A tear escapes his eye.**

Jo: "No, I'm not." **Tears stream down her face.**

**Matt hugs his mother. It's the first time in a long time.**

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

I couldn't believe it. Mom's gonna make it. The cancer'sgone!She'll only have to go through another couple months of chemotherapy, then she won't have to take that vile stuff again. I've been so worried about her. I hugged her pretty tight, and I didn't wanna let go. I was afraid that if I let go, this would all be a dream, and she'd be dead.


	42. Chapter 42

**_A/N—I won't go into detail about some of the drug slang and games I'm using. We all know the jargon (or at least can guess). In addition, I'm just not going there. Although this chapter isn't graphic, it does contain strong themes. So, consider yourself forewarned._**

_**A/N2—Sorry this chapter is long, but it's necessary. These last few chapters will be kind of long. I'm wrapping up this series, so bear with me. Thank you so much for reading and your kind reviews. I've enjoyed writing this series. Now, read on and enjoy!**_

**Chapter 42**

_Matt moves on to when Melina becomes pregnant._

Oh boy. I am in so deep. Melina's pregnant. She's about two months along. Mom and dad are gonna be pissed. I dread telling them. Dad's gonna hit the roof! I'd suggested an abortion, but she'd hear none of that. She also wants to keep it, so I guess I'm gonna be a father.

We were playing beer-pong and Strip Jenga, along with doing lines and joints in the cave. Lanny was out of town, so it was just Melina and me. I snuck out of my bedroom window, and Melina met me at the cave. Since mom and dad are doing random drug tests and watching me like a hawk, it's harder to get out. However, I have my ways.

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

**Melina's already in the cave when Matt arrives. It is around 11 at night.**

Melina: Whew! It's you. I was afraid you wouldn't make it or my folks followed me.

Matt: Have they been on your tail?

Melina: Some. They asked me 20 questions.

Matt: Ugh! Mom and dad are asleep, so I snuck out the window.

Melina: You got the stuff?

Matt: Yeah, you?

Melina: Yeah.

**They start out doing a couple lines. Suddenly, both of them are buzzed.**

Melina: Ooh! That's good!

Matt: Yeah. Let's set up the table.

**They set up the table. Matt pours the drinks, while Melina sets up the cups and balls for beer-pong.**

Melina: **Hits Matt's cup.** I think that's a drink! Drink up!

Matt: **Takes a drink. **My serve. **He hits her cup and knocks it off.** That's a chug for you.

Melina: **Smirks and takes a chug.** This is Lanny's best brew.

Matt: Smooth!

**They continue the game, and become fairly wasted. Then, they decide to play a different game. **

Matt: I'm sick of beer-pong. Let's play something else.

Melina: Okay, what?

Matt: How 'bout a game of Jenga?

Melina: **A sly grin grows on her face.** Let's make it interesting.

Matt: Talk to me! **He smirks.**

Melina: How 'bout a game of Strip Jenga.

Matt: You're on! Set it up! I'll roll some more joints.

**They play a couple rounds of Jenga, until both of them have stripped off all their clothes. Melina puts her hands on the back of Matt's neck, and pulls him into a deep kiss. Matt wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her in closer. They lay on a blanket, which is spread on the ground, and spend the night.**

(Sequence Continues)

**The couple wakes up the next morning, and realizes what they'd just done. A sly smile spreads across Melina's face.**

Melina: You were great!

Matt: So were you.

Melina: I think this was your best performance ever.

Matt: Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! **He takes a bow. Then, he looks outside. Light is pouring in the entrance.** Uh, I think we need to go. It looks like it's about noon or something.

Melina: I don't wanna leave. **She begins covering him with kisses.**

Matt: I don't either. **He lies back down, and they continue their activity.**

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

We stayed in the cave until about dinnertime. I walked her home, and then went home. Mom was waiting for me when I got home. I knew I was in trouble. Since mom's been in remission, she hasn't let anything slip by her. It's kind of annoying. I'm not saying I wish she had cancer again; I'm glad she's okay. But she never seems to miss a trick. That's annoying. I'm just glad dad wasn't home; he was on a business trip the whole weekend. Marin and the twins were playing in the living room.

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

Jo: Where have you been!

Marin: Yeah, where have you been?

Jo: Marin, I'm the mommy here. I'll handle this. **Turns to her eldest son.** So, where have you been?

Matt: Out.

Jo: Out! Is that all you can say? I've been worried sick!

Matt: **Becoming agitated. **I was out with Melina, okay?

Jo: Doing what? And cut the tone, mister.

Marin: Yeah, cut the tone. **She sticks out her tongue.**

Jo: Marin. Go play in your room. Ben, Brooke, go with her.

Brooke: But? Whad I do?

Ben: Mommy! Brooke hit me!

Jo: Mommy will be up in a little bit. **The kids do as they're told. **I'm going to ask you again. You and Melina were doing what?

Matt: Hanging out. That's all.

Jo: I don't believe you. You smell like smoke.

Matt: Her next door neighbour was burning leaves. That's why we smell like smoke.

Jo: **Frowns.** You smell like pot. Have you been doing pot?

Matt: No! **Jo shoots him a look and Matt shrinks back.** Okay, a couple joints. That's all.

Jo: Matthew Dylan McGuire! **She yells at the top of her lungs.** What do you think you're doing? Do you want us to send you to rehab, because we will?

Matt: No.

Jo: What is it going to take for you to stop? I'm worried about you, son. **A tear rolls down her cheek.** You're so different from the little boy I used to know.

Matt: I'm growing up. **He says tongue-in-cheek.**

Jo: This isn't just a matter of growing up. Matt, you're sour, you get detention, well, you've gotten detention all along…. **She regains her train of thought.** You smell like smoke. Sometimes I think you've been drinking. Have you been doing anything else?

Matt: I babysit Marin and the twins. My grades are high. I learned how to cook and clean. I graduate next year. What else do you want?

Jo: I want you to grow up! I want to see you graduate from high school, go to college, and have a family if you want. I want you to be healthy and happy, and off drugs! I want all that for my children. **She begins crying. **Something Lizzie didn't get to do.

Matt: **His face falls.** I'm sorry.

Jo: Just go to your room. We'll talk more later. I'm gonna start dinner.

Matt: Do you want me to make dinner?

Jo: No, I'll take care of it. I need to be alone right now.

**Matt leaves, and Jo sits on the couch, buries her face in her hands, and cries.**

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

I feel like such a sht. I hate lying to mom, but what am I supposed to do? Mom can't know what Lanny, Melina, and I do. We're just having a good time. I quit dealing. It got to be too much of a hassle. Plus, we're graduating in May, so I might as well hand over my customers to Clark. We've decided to give up meth and coke; those were our last lines. It was getting too expensive. I feel so worthless, at times.


	43. Chapter 43

**Chapter 43**

_Matt is still lost in thought._

That brings me back to Melina. Damn. We didn't bring protection. We really didn't think we'd be doing anything. Plus, we didn't think about it. A couple weeks went by, and Melina started getting sick. It wasn't anything major, but the school lunches made her greener than usual. She blew it off as nothing. But then, she quit drinking and smoking. She didn't hang out at the cave anymore. But, one day last week, she met Lanny and me at the Matt Cave….

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

**Lanny and Matt are hanging out in the cave, playing Beeropoly. Melina appears at the entrance of the cave.**

Matt: Melina, honey. Why don't you come join us?

Melina: No thanks.

Lanny: **Blinks.**

Melina: No, I don't wanna drag. You can have it.

Lanny: **Blinks again.**

Melina: You made fresh brew? **Lanny nods quickly and smiles.** It sounds tempting, but I'd better not. Matt, can we talk, alone?

**Lanny blinks and leaves the cave, leaving the couple alone.**

Matt: Sure. What is it?

Melina: Uhh, you remember that night we snuck out and spent the night here together, alone?

Matt: Yeah. That was awesome! **He smiles.**

Melina: Yeah. It was good. But, there's been a little lasting reminder of that night.

Matt: **Furrows his brow.** What's that supposed to mean?

Melina: Matt, I'm pregnant.

Matt: **Sits on the floor, stunned. **Uh, uh, uh. **He begins stammering. **Are you, uh, sure?

Melina: Yes. That's why the sight of lunch makes me queasy.

Matt: **Interrupting, with a joke.** It makes me queasy too.

Melina: I'm serious! **She stomps her foot.** Matt, this is serious! **She begins to cry.** This isn't the way I wanted to spend our Senior year.

Matt: Me either. Couldn't you just have an abortion? I've got enough money. I'll pay for it, if you'd like.

Melina: Matthew McGuire! I won't kill this baby just because it's an inconvenience. I also won't give it away; I want to keep it.

Matt: What do you want me to do?

Melina: If you ever want to see this baby or me again, you'll clean up your act.

Matt: Clean up?

Melina: Yes. Clean up. That means no brew, no pot, no meth, and no coke! And you'll quit getting detention.

Matt: No detention?

Melina: I mean it!

Matt: Fine. I'll do it.

Melina: **Gets excited. Her face brightens.** You will? **Matt nods.** Matt, I love you! **She wraps her arms around his neck.**

Matt: I love you too. We're having a baby. **He grins from ear to ear. Melina nods. **Matt McGuire's gonna be a father! I love you!

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

Melina's two months along. We decided to wait a week until we told our folks. Yesterday, we went to the doctor for an ultrasound. It was amazing seeing the baby on screen. I didn't think I could love someone so much, but I love this little baby on the screen, and I love the woman that's having my baby. I wanna marry her. I sold off my stash, so I've got enough money for an engagement ring, and to start a savings account for us. I'm gonna ask her to marry me, but first, we had to face our parents. Melina's folks were easy; they were upset, but glad we cleaned up our act and decided to go to college after graduation. My parents were a different story. Dad went ballistic….

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

**Matt is helping Jo cook dinner.**

Matt: Mom, Melina's coming over for dinner.

Jo: Do you have a school project?

Matt: Yeah, but it's not that. We need to talk to you and dad.

Jo: **Raises an eyebrow.** Matt, are you in trouble?

Matt: No. It's not that.

Jo: Well, what is it?

Matt: Just wait until after dinner, okay?

Jo: Mmmkay. **She states skeptically.**

**Melina comes over shortly after, and she and the McGuires sit down to dinner. Melina picks at her food, eating hardly anything. Jo notices.**

Jo: Is everything okay, honey?

Melina: Yeah. I'm just not that hungry.

Jo: Are you sure? You look a little pale. Are you allright?

Melina: I'm fine.

**After dinner is finished, Sam and Jo and Matt and Melina move to the living room. Marin and the twins play in her room.**

Sam: What did you want to talk to us about? **He frowns. **You're not in trouble, are you?

Matt: No! **Looks at his parents.** What? Why do you think I'm in trouble? Can't we just talk?

Jo: Well, given your recent history, we can't help but suspect trouble. Sorry.

Melina: Mr. and Mrs. McGuire, you know we've been dating for some time.

Jo: Yes?

Matt: And we love each other.

Jo: Matt, where is this going?

Matt: **Takes his girlfriend's hand. Melina puts their hands on her abdomen.** We're uhh, uhh.

Melina: I'm pregnant.

Matt: I'm the father.

**Jo, shocked, does not say a word.**

Sam: **Explodes.** Matthew Dylan McGuire! I can't believe it!

Matt: Sorry! But we are.

Sam: How irresponsible can you get? First drugs, then dealing and lying, now this! **He inhales and continues.** What are you going to do?

Melina: I'm keeping it.

Matt: I'm going to help raise it.

Jo: **Begins crying.** How? You can't even take care of yourself!

Matt: I'm getting a job.

Sam: What kind of job? A real one?

Matt: Yes, dad. A real one.

Melina: My dad's offered him a job.

Jo: How are you gonna keep down a job? You're in school. **Pauses, and then continues. **Are you clean?

Matt: Yes!

Sam: Prove it.

Matt: Fine. I'll take a test tonight.

Sam: And whenever I say you will.

Matt: Fine.

Jo: Matt, I love you. All I want is for you to be okay.

Matt: I love you too, mom. I will be okay. **Puts his arm around Melina.** We'll be okay. I love this woman, and I love this baby. **He hands an ultrasound picture to his mother.**

Jo: **Begins crying. **I can't believe I'm gonna be a, gonna be, uh, a grandma! Sam, my baby's growing up! He's a daddy; he's graduating this year, going to college. Soon they'll be married.

Melina: **Holds her hands up, palms facing the McGuires.** Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Wait a minute! We haven't talked anything about marriage!

Matt: Maybe we should.

Sam: You're not getting married.

Jo: One thing at a time, Matt.

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

Melina left not too long after our conversation. Mom and dad were so steamed, they couldn't think straight. I called Melina and we talked the rest of the night. While we were talking, I was planning on how I was gonna propose.

The next weekend, Lanny and I went shopping for a ring. I found one that was absolutely perfect. It was a marquis cut one-half karat diamond. I also found the perfect wedding ring for her. It was a ring guard, which had her birthstones; marquis cut on either side of the solitaire, with triangular cut diamonds on the outside of her birthstones. I wish Lizzie were here; I know she would've helped me ring shop. I know Melina's ring size, so I knew I'd get a perfect fit. Still, I wish Lizzie were here to help. She would've been so excited.

* * *

_Matt proposes to Melina_

I did it. I asked Melina to marry me, and she said yes! I am the happiest man in the world. I took her out for dinner, at Luigi's, and then we went to the park and sat under the stars. I packed a picnic snack, complete with sparkling grapejuice. She looked absolutely beautiful. She was five months along, so she was starting to show some. She thinks she looks like a whale, but I think she looks gorgeous.

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

Matt: It's beautiful out here.

Melina: It is a beautiful night. The stars are great.

Matt: No, I'm talking about you. You're beautiful.

Melina: **Blushes.** I'm huge!

Matt: No, you're not. You're the most beautiful thing I've seen in my entire life. **He takes her hands in his. **Melina, you're my life. I love you.

Melina: I love you too.

Matt: I wanna spend the rest of my life with you. I can't imagine spending one more day without you. **He gets on one knee, takes a box out of his jacket and opens it.** Melina, would you marry me?

Melina: Yes! **She embraces and pulls him into a deep kiss.**

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

We went straight over to my house to tell my folks. Melina's folks were out of town, so we told them the next day. Mom and dad were watching TV. Marin and the twins were in bed, so we decided to deliver the news. We entered the house, hand in hand. I think mom knew something was up….

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

Matt: Mom, dad, we've got something to tell you.

Jo: What is it, sweetie?

Matt: I asked Melina to marry me….

Melina: …and I said yes! **She shows off her ring.**

**Sam sits in stunned silence.**

Jo: My baby's getting married. **She squeals and wraps her son in a tight hug.** Congratulations!

Matt: Thanks, mom!

Jo: Welcome to the family, Melina! **She hugs her future daughter-in-law.**

Sam: Are you sure about this?

Matt: Dad, I've never been sure about anything in my entire life ever before. But now, I know what I want in my life. I want to marry this beautiful woman who is by my side, and raise our child together.

Sam: You're too young.

Matt: I've experienced a lot for someone my age. I've lost a sister. My mother's had cancer. I've gotten three new siblings. My parents nearly divorced. I got on drugs, and got off too. Yes, dad, I'm clean.

Melina: **Continues.** I told him if he ever wanted to see his baby, he would have to quit the drugs.

Matt: Melina and the baby are worth it.

Sam: Are you sure?

Matt: Yes, I am.

Sam: We'll support you.

Jo: **Tears well in his eyes.** My baby's getting married!

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

I am the happiest man in the world. I've got a beautiful fiancée and baby on the way. I've got a good job, which doesn't include selling drugs. We'll graduate at the end of May, and we've filled out our college applications. My life is good.

Lizzie killed herself a little over four years ago, then mom got cancer. I thought my life was over. I never thought I would ever be happy again, but I am. Melina's my light. She completes me. I fell in love with her the day I met her in Intermediate School. Now, I know I really love her. If this baby's a girl, I want to name her after the three women I admire most: Melina Elizabeth JoAnn McGuire.


	44. Chapter 44

**Chapter 44**

_Welcome to fatherhood._

Our Senior year has been kinda difficult. How could it not be; Melina was pregnant with our child, we were trying to graduate, I was working nights with her dad. He is a janitor at the junior high, and he got me a job. I want to do right by Melina and the baby. In addition, we're applying to the local university. I want to be a computer graphics artist and work for Pixar. No, scratch that, I want to start a company and be better than Pixar. Melina wants to be an accountant. We'll figure out how to juggle school and a new baby. We decided to be surprised, so we don't know what we're having. We're either going to name the baby Elizabeth JoAnn (Melina hates her name, so she vetoed naming a daughter Melina or Renae) or Matthew Dylan Junior (that was Melina's idea. I wanted to name him Aiden Roger, after her father.). We're getting married this summer, after the baby's born, and we're going on our Senior trip for our honeymoon. We're going to Tokyo.

Lanny and I have cleaned up our act. I've not touched beer or anything else since Melina told me she was pregnant. He's dating a girl named Raven, so we double date often. No, they're not pregnant. I think they've learned from our mistakes to wait before becoming parents.

Ahh, where was I? Oh yeah. Melina's sleeping right now. She's in labour, so we're at the hospital. The doctor said the baby should be born sometime today, so he or she will be born five years to the day after Lizzie killed herself. Mom was at the cemetery and dad was picking up Marin and the twins when Melina went into labor….

_**SEQUENCE BEGINS**_

Matt comes home from school and goes upstairs to his room. Melina is sound asleep. He kisses her on the cheek, and she stirs.

Melina: Matt, what are you doing here? I thought you had to come into work early. **She returns his kiss.**

Matt: No, your dad gave me the day off since it's been five years.

Melina: Oh yeah. **Her face falls.** I'm sorry. **She embraces her fiancé.**

Matt: I'm going to the cemetery in a little while. Do you wanna go?

Melina: Sure. Just help me up, and I'll get ready. **She extends her arm, and Matt helps her up. Her eyes widen.**

Matt: What's wrong? **He asks, concerned.**

Melina: I, I, OW, DAMMIT! **She puts a hand on her abdomen, and hisses.** I think we need to make a detour.** She begins breathing hard.**

Matt: Hospital?

Melina: Yessss.

Matt gets Melina's bags, and other supplies they'll need and puts them in the car. Then, he returns to his room and helps Melina down the stairs. They meet Sam and the kids at the door.

Sam: **Coming in the door, holding a sleeping Brooke, with Marin and Ben in tow.** C'mon kids. Let me put your sister to bed and I'll fix you a snack.

Ben: Daddy, I want ice cream.

Marin: I want a cookie.

Brooke: **Mumbles.** Mommy!

Sam: **Sees Matt and Melina.** What's wrong?

Matt: Dad, Melina's in labor. Meet us at the hospital as soon as you can.

Sam: Sure. I'll call your mother.

The couple races out the door.

_**SEQUENCE ENDS**_

Well, now we're here, and Matt McGuire's gonna be a father soon. Who knew that crazy, mischievous Matt would ever be a father? Melina's asleep right now; she's the love of my life. The anesthesiologist gave her an epidural a couple hours ago, so now she's asleep. She was in such pain; she threw a rice bag at my head. She missed!

Mom and dad are here. Mrs. Garrett agreed to babysit the kids. Marin's parents are also here. Melina wanted mom in the delivery room with us, but the others are gonna be in the waiting room. They've taken shifts staying with us. I thought for sure Melina would want her mom here too, but she said her mom would make too much of a scene. She thinks her mom's a drama queen. And mine's not? Mom's been sentimental the whole time, but she's been good too. Melina and her sister are adopted (they are biological siblings; Melina was three and Amanda was a baby when they were adopted), and her mom has never had a baby before. So, mom's been a help for Melina.

So, here I am, watching my future wife sleep and thinking about my future.

**Melina stirs and Matt rushes to her side.**

Matt: Are you okay?

Melina: AAAH! I've gotta push!** She squeezes Matt's hand.**

Jo: I'll call the nurse. **She pushes the call button and the nurse answers.** We need a nurse. My daughter-in-law says the baby's coming.

_Nurse: I'm on my way._ **The nurse enters.** Let's take a look.

Melina: NO TIME, DAMMIT! The baby's coming NOW!

Nurse: **Examines Melina.** The baby's just about out. Lemme get Doctor Baines.

Melina: Jo, get mom and come back.

Matt: You sure?

Melina: I want my mommy!

**Jo gets Melina's mom: **Susan, Melina's asking for you. The baby's coming!

Susan: Roger, our baby's having a baby! **She embraces her husband.**

Roger: Go see our daughter and grandchild.

Jo: Sam, we're gonna be grandparents!

Sam: Whoda thunk our Matt would be a father?

Jo: I still can't believe it either! **They kiss.** I'll see you later, grandpa!

Sam: We'll be here, grandma!

**Jo and Susan enter the room at the same time as Doctor Baines.**

Doctor Baines: I hear we're about to have a baby.

Melina: Get it out! AAAAH!

Doctor Baines: All right. Let's get you situated.

**Melina is situated in the stirrups. Matt is by her head. Jo is on the other side with the camera. Susan is beside Jo.**

Doctor Baines: Okay Melina, I want you to give me a good push.

Melina: Dammit, this hurts!

Matt: C'mon Melina. You can do it!

Melina: Okay tough guy, why don't you pass a bowling ball through your…

Susan: **Cuts her off. **MELINA! Watch your language!

Doctor Baines: I need you to push from below. **Melina pushes and tenses up her neck. **Don't tense your neck. Use your abdominal muscles.

Melina: I'm trying!

**After an hour of pushing, the baby is about to be born.**

Doctor Baines: I've got the head. I need another push.

Melina: So tired!

Matt: I see the baby! C'mon Melina!

Jo: Oh my gosh! **She begins tearing up.**

Doctor Baines: The shoulder's are out. The cords around the neck. Don't push yet. Pant. Like this. **She demonstrates and Melina complies.** Got it. Okay, give me another big push and you'll have your baby.

Melina: Don't think we'll be having any more after this one, Matt. AAAHHHGGGHHH!

Doctor Baines: Put your hands down here and grab your baby. **Melina complies and pulls her baby on to her abdomen. **You've got your baby! **She flips the baby on the foot and it lets out a cry. **

Matt: It's a girl! **Tears stream down his face. **I've got a daughter! I'm a daddy!

Melina: Oh my God, my baby! **She strokes her daughter's head. **Hi, sweetheart, I'm your mommy.

Doctor Baines: **Hands Matt the scissors. **Matt, would you like to cut the cord? **He nods and cuts the cord.**

**The nurse takes the baby. She weighs, measures, and examines her. Jo snaps pictures throughout.**

Nurse: She looks good. Apgar's a 9.5 on a scale of 10. Very good! Lessee. She's 8 pounds, 8 ounces, 20 inches long. So, what's this little girl's name?

Matt and Melina look at each other and answer simultaneously: Elizabeth JoAnn McGuire. We'll call her Bethany. **Jo's eyes mist over.**

**The doctor helps Melina deliver the placenta and Matt accompanies Bethany to the nursery. Jo and Susan deliver the news to the new grandfathers in the waiting room. Sam andRoger see the new grandmothers and stand up.**

Sam: So?

Jo: **Grinning from ear to ear.** It's a girl!

Sam: Our little boy's got a daughter!

Jo: Yes! She's beautiful.

Susan: She looks like Melina.

Roger: How's Melina?

Susan: She's good. She was a trooper.

Sam: And Matt?

Jo: You should've seen him, Sam. He was so good, coaching her all the way through it.

Sam: You mean he didn't pass out or anything?

Jo: Nope. Not like someone I know. Remember when Lizzie was born?

Sam: Okay, I'm a wuss.

Jo: That's okay. I love you anyway. **She kisses him on the cheek. **Let's go see our new granddaughter.

**They make their way to the nursery. Susan and Rogercall their other daughter. Matt sees them and holds baby Bethany up to the window.**

Jo: My baby's got a baby! Sam, look at them! **She clutches his elbow.** Oh, she's so cute!

Matt: **Motions for them to come in the nursery. They comply.** Mom, dad, meet your granddaughter. **He places the baby in his mother's arms.**

Jo: Hey Bethany, It's grandma. **Her eyes mist over.** Matt, she's beautiful.

Matt: Mom, dad, I don't know how you did it, five times. **He looks at his child, sleeping in her grandmother's arms.** I can't believe she's mine.

Sam: That's how I felt when Lizzie was born. I couldn't believe I was a daddy.

Jo: Lizzie. **She looks down at her granddaughter.** Bethany, you would've loved your Aunt Lizzie. She's been gone five years. Today used to be a sad day, but you've made it a happy day. **She looks at her husband.** Would you like to hold her?

Sam: Sure.**Jo passes him the baby.** Hey kiddo. Welcome to the world. **He kisses her on the head. **

**Matt and Jo gaze at the baby and smile.**

Matt: **Silently says to himself, **I can't believe she's my child. I love her so much. My child. That sounds nice**. Hegently rubs his daughter's head**.


	45. Chapter 45

**Chapter 45**

_Back to the present_

I am sitting here, at the hospital, looking at my future wife, with my daughter, Bethany in my arms. She's sleeping right now. She's so tired, because she just gave birth. This feels so surreal; I can't believe I'm a father and soon to be a husband. Whodathunk that crazy Matt McGuire would be a father?

Mom and dad just left; they needed to see after my younger sisters and brother. My life is so different now. It seems like the prankster that was Matt McGuire is a totally different person. Was I ever a prankster? I was heading straight into trouble, but Melina saved me. If it wasn't for her, I would have never met this beautiful baby who is my daughter. She gave me an ultimatum—unless I straightened up and changed my ways, I would never get to see my daughter.

It's so quiet now. Bethany, it's just me and you right now. Oh, you're so cute. You look so much like your mother, but I think you've got my mom's mouth. **He holds one of her hands, and compares his with hers.** Okay, there is some of me here. Your hands are like mine. So are your feet. I wonder what your eyes will be like, once they turn their true colour? I hope they're like your mother's. She has such beautiful blue eyes. I wonder if your hair will be blonde or brown?

I have so many dreams for you. I hope you grow up to be a happy, healthy, and sweet person I know you'll become. Although I hope that you have a good sense of humour and know how to have fun, I hope that you don't follow our footsteps and get into lots of trouble. Do I have any regrets? Some. I wish I'd never gotten into drugs, but if your mother and I hadn't gone down that path, we wouldn't have you. And I don't regret you. You're the best thing that's ever happened to me.

You met so many people today. No wonder you're asleep. You've got a bunch of aunts and uncles. You got to meet your Aunt Amanda, Aunt Miranda, Uncle Gordo and their kids, Lizzie and David (yeah, I forgave them), and your Aunts Marin and Brooke, and your Uncle Ben. There's one aunt that you won't get to meet, but I'll tell you all about her. She's my older sister, your Aunt Lizzie. She killed herself five years ago today. You've turned this sad day into one that's good. I don't expect you to be a replacement Lizzie. You're my daughter, and all I'll ever ask of you, is to be the best you that you can be.

Since I mentioned your Aunt Lizzie, let me tell you about her. She was a couple years older than me, your Grandma and Granddad's first child. She wasn't very tall, but she was thin and pretty. She had long straight blonde hair and piercing blue eyes. She was sweet, loving, and kind, and I adored my big sister. When we were little, she was so protective of me. We went to Grubby Gulch a lot when we were little. When I was about six years old, I wanted to stay at Grubby Gulch, instead of going back home. Lizzie said she'd stay with me. We could move into the store or something. In addition, she's stuck up for me before, like when Heywood was bothering me. She and I teamed up against him at Lizzie's carnival thing. Then, when Lanny and I ruined dad's prize football and went all over town trying to get a new one. Lizzie hunted us down and did some righteous bartering with the store clerk. Of course, there was that time when we switched bodies and she got me out of 2 weeks of detention for something I actually didn't do. Your Grandma and Granddad don't know about that one.

Like all big sisters, although she loved me, she thought I was a pain. Oscar and I stole all her right shoes when we were playing superheroes. I made her so mad when I showed up at the junior high as Matt Bond. She got so steamed; she called the cops on her. I have to give her props for that. Then, there was the time I wanted to be called "M-Dogg!" **He laughs.** We had some good times.

There were times when I was so proud of my sister. She went for class president. Tudgeman won, but she sure tried hard. She competed in a Rhythmic Gymnastics competition and won. I made fun of it, but I was proud of her. Too bad she hated it; she was really good. She tried to save the earth. She got a little crazy, but she had good intentions. There were numerous times she stood up to Kate Sanders. Too many to count, actually! She once saved a man's life by doing the Heimlich, however she had snuck into a rated R movie and got busted by your Grandparents when she was on the news.

I think one of the times I was most proud of her was when she went to Rome on her 8th grade trip. She met an Italian pop star, Paolo Valisari and snuck out, faking sick, in order to meet with him. She was an amateur at sneaking out, but I have to give her props for her effort. Paolo was trying to ruin his partner, Isabella Parichi's singing career by having Lizzie pose as Isabella and then embarrassing her on stage at the IMVAs. However, she and Isabella turned tables on him and exposed him for the phony he was. I give her props for that. She got to perform on stage. She was great. Your grandparents were shocked. Your Grandma was so excited; she was in tears the whole time. We were all proud of her.

It's been five years since she killed herself. That's a story for when you're older. Much older. Suffice it to say, we really loved her and miss her a lot. She would have loved you so much. I think she would've been surprised at how your old man turned out. **He laughs and Bethany smiles.** You think your old man's funny? I guess I am. It's been a roller coaster of a five years. When you're older, I'll tell you all about it.

**Melina wakes up and Bethany begins to fuss.**

Melina: Here, hand me the baby. She needs to be fed.

Matt: **Passes Bethany to her mother.** Here you go. **He kisses the baby on her head and then kisses his fiancée on the lips.**

Melina: So, what were you and Bethany talking about?

Matt: Oh, nothing really. Just some father-daughter stuff.

Melina: **Looks down at their daughter, who has latched on.** Can you believe she's ours?

Matt: It still seems surreal. **He puts his finger on Bethany's palm and she curls her fingers around.** She's so perfect.

Melina: **Smiling.** Yeah, she is.

Matt: I guess that's how mom and dad felt when Lizzie was born. **His face falls somewhat.**

Melina: You miss her a lot.

Matt: Every day. I'll never get that picture out of my head, of when I found her. And then mom rushing up, finding her and screaming. Dad looked like he'd aged about ten years.** Tears roll down his face.**

Melina: They don't know why she did it, do they?

Matt: No, I've never told them. It's probably best they don't know. I hope nothing like that happens to our daughter.

Melina: I wish she'd stay this innocent forever.

Matt: If anyone hurts her….

Melina: I know what you mean. I'll be right there in line too.**Bethany finishes eating, and Matt takes her to burp her.** I just love this little girl so much. I didn't know I could love someone so much until now. **She begins yawning.** Why don't you get some sleep? I can stay up with her.

Matt: I think you need some sleep too. I'll get some in a little while. I just want to continue our father-daughter chat.

Melina: Okay.** Her eyes close and she drifts back to sleep.**

**Matt continues his conversation with his daughter.** Bethany, I hope you grow up and have a good life. I love you more than words can say. **Bethany closes her eyes and Matt puts her in her bassinet.** You've got a lifetime full of experiences and love, but for now, just sleep.

**He sits in the recliner next to his wife and child.** Lizzie, I wish you could've known your niece. She's the best thing I've ever done. You've missed out on a lot. I know mom and dad have filled you in on the details. I'm sorry I didn't get to visit you today, but this little girl beside me had other plans. I know what happened, and your secret's safe with me. I wish you'd confided in me or someone. Yeah, I was your pesky little brother, but I loved you. I looked up to you. I hope you've found the peace you couldn't find on earth. Do me one favour. Watch over this little girl of mine and protect her like you protected me when we were growing up, okay? She's named after you and mom, you know. Her name's Elizabeth JoAnn, and since there are so many Elizabeth's and Brooke's in this family, we're calling her Bethany. **He begins to yawn.** I'm sorry we can't talk more. It's been such a long day, and I'm tired. I think this will be the last sleep I'll get until she's grown (well, we'll probably have more kids, so I won't be getting any sleep until our last one's grown). **He smiles.** I know you couldn't ever picture me as a father, but here I am. She's my baby, my joy. Please keep her safe and sound. Okay? **He closes his eyes.** I'll take her out to visit you. I promise. Goodnight, sis. I love you. **He falls asleep.**

* * *

**_A/N--The next chapter is graphic. If you've read thus far, you know what this story is about. If graphic content bothers you, stop here. This is a good ending spot; you won't miss an integral part of the story if you stop here. If you go on, consider yourself forewarned. Thanks for all your kind reviews. I've really enjoyed writing this story, but feel it's come to a natural conclusion. I hope you'll read my other stories and yes, I will update the other 2 (McGuire Family Ties and Can You See Me Now?) before I start on any other stories. Again, thanks for reading. I hope you've enjoyed this series! ----Woemcat_**


	46. Chapter 46

**Chapter 46—Epilogue**

**_A/N—WARNING! GRAPHIC CONTENT! That's all I'll say. If you've read thus far, you know what this story is about. So consider yourself forewarned…._**

_This begins a couple days before…._

Lizzie sits on her bed, tears streaming down her face. She opens up the letter again:

_Dear Lizzie,_

_How are you? I haven't heard from you in awhile. I hope you're all right and that you didn't get in too much trouble with your chaperone and parents. Paolo's a real, you say, jerk. He lost all his record deals. However, I've really been enjoying my new solo career. Speaking of solo careers, you were so good at the IMVA's. You could easily have a good solo career of your own too._

_The IMVA's were spectacular. People all over Italy are still talking about the famous Lizzie McGuire, my twin from America. Your song is still playing on TV all the time. They wonder when you will sing with me again. _

_That brings me to something I want to ask you. I'm touring this summer in Western Canada. I want to know if you'd be interested in coming to one of my concerts. I'd pay your way, of course. We could see the sights, and maybe even sing a number or two on my concert._

_I'm sorry that I've not heard anything from my record company yet. I thought for sure they would want to sign you on. Maybe next time. You were great._

_Please tell me you'll come this summer! I miss you!_

_Ciao for now!_

_Isabella_

She tears the letter up into little pieces and cries harder. "It's not fair! I busted my butt over there! I snuck out and tried to help someone I thought was my friend and for what? Nothing! Sure I sang on stage with Isabella Parichi, but I thought she'd get a record deal for me. She said I was a shoe in for a new deal. I sent her tracks, like she asked me to, and for what? Nothing!" She shreds the pieces in her shredder to make sure no one reads them. Then, she begins to type on her computer. There's a knock on the door.

Jo: Lizzie, can I come in?

Lizzie: I'm doing my homework.

Jo: Can you come down? I need you to help me fix dinner.

Lizzie: Can't Matt do it? I've got to finish my Math homework.

Jo: No, Matt's at Melina's. Please.

Lizzie: **Closes her book, huffs and opens her door.** Fine.

Jo: **Notices her tear-stained face.** Are you okay?

Lizzie: I'm fine.

**Jo and Lizzie fix dinner together. Lizzie works on the green bean casserole while Jo prepares the turkey.**

Jo: Lizzie, may I ask you something?

Lizzie: Sure. What is it?

Jo: I got a note from your Spanish teacher, Mrs. Flores. She said that you didn't turn in your assignment last week; if you don't turn it in, you're in danger of failing. Lizzie, that's not like you!

Lizzie: But I did! She just lost it, that's all!

Jo: She said that you've failed to turn in other assignments as well.** She puts the turkey in the oven.**

Lizzie: **Stomps her foot and begins yelling.** She hates me! She's had it in for me since the beginning of the school year.

Jo: What do you mean? **A wave of nausea hits. Beads of sweat form on her forehead, and she begins to sway.**

Lizzie: **Concerned.** Mom, are you okay?** She helps her mother sit down.**

Jo: **Catches her breath.** Yeah, I'm fine. Just got a little dizzy, that's all.

Lizzie: Are you sure? You look pale.

Jo: Yeah, I'm fine. I think I'll go lie down on the couch. **She makes her way to the couch. **Are you sure there's nothing wrong?

Lizzie: Yeah. There's another Elizabeth McGuire in the class. Mrs. Flores won't let us use nicknames, and so she's always getting us confused. The other Elizabeth's a junior, and is barely passing. I've got a solid B.

Jo: Okay. Do you need me or your father to help straighten this out for you?

Lizzie: NO! **She replies, flustered.** I mean, no, that's okay. I can get it worked out myself.

Jo: Oh, okay. If you need us to help, we'll go talk to her. **She closes her eyes.** I think I'm gonna rest awhile before dinner. Tell Matt to wash up when he gets here.

Lizzie goes back upstairs to her room and shuts her door. "Whew! That was close!" She takes out her report card, and reads:

English: C- ; Math: F ; Chemistry: B- ; Economics: D- ; Physical Education and Health: C- ; Choir: D ; Spanish: F.

Tears stream down her face more. "Why? I thought High School would be a blast. Instead, it's turned out to be a nightmare. What am I gonna do? Mom and dad can't see this! They'll know I lied." She takes out a note from her notebook:

_To Elizabeth B. McGuire:_

_We are sorry to inform you that due to your failing grades in Math and Spanish and your borderline grades in Economics and Choir, you will no longer get to participate in choir. You are not eligible to try out for honor's choir until you raise your GPA to a minimum of 2.50. Please have your parents sign this note and return it to the choir director._

_Signed,_

_Alana Doty, Choir Director_

_Ms. Ungermeyer, Principal_

"MY LIFE'S OVER!" She yells into her pillow and sobs until she falls asleep.

* * *

_The day before…._

Lizzie runs down the stairs into the kitchen, screaming with joy, at the top of her lungs. "MAMA! MAMA! MAMA! Look at this!" She's holding a letter.

Jo: What is it, sweetie?

Lizzie: It's a letter! From Isabella!

Jo: Well, what does it say? **She says, curious.**

Lizzie: **Opens up the fake letter and begins to read:**

_Dear Lizzie,_

_How are you? I haven't heard from you in awhile. I hope you're all right and that you didn't get in too much trouble with your chaperone and parents. Paolo's a real, you say, jerk. He lost all his record deals. However, I've really been enjoying my new solo career. Speaking of solo careers, you were so good at the IMVA's. You could easily have a good solo career of your own too._

_The IMVA's were spectacular. People all over Italy are still talking about the famous Lizzie McGuire, my twin from America. Your song is still playing on TV all the time. They wonder when you will sing with me again. _

_That brings me to something I want to ask you. My record company is so impressed with your tracks you sent me; they want to offer you a recording contract! This would mean you would have to fly to Rome next summer. If you want, you could stay with me. Maybe we could sing again on stage. If you're interested, let me know. The record company will be mailing you a contract in a few days. I just couldn't wait to tell you. Call me soon!_

_Isabella_

**She jumps up and down with excitement.** Can you believe it? Isabella wants me to come back to Rome and sing!

Jo: Is this what you want, honey?

Lizzie: Oh yes! Very much!

Jo: **Wraps her daughter in an embrace.** Then, I'm so happy for you!

Lizzie: **Beaming.** Thanks!

Jo: This calls for a celebration. How about tomorrow, you invite Gordo and Miranda over for dinner and we'll celebrate.

Lizzie: Thanks! I've gotta go back upstairs and call them.

Jo: Oh, before you go, have you worked things out with Mrs. Flores?

Lizzie: Yeah. It's fine. I talked to her, and we got the misunderstanding worked out. **She sighs.**

Jo: So, how's honor choir?

Lizzie: It's good. **She swallows.** Mom, lemme go call Gordo and Miranda. We've got to work on our Chemistry project anyway. It's due Friday.

Jo: Okay. Do you want to tell your father the good news, or do you want me to?

Lizzie: Oh, I'll tell him and Matt tonight at dinner. **She hesitates.** Mom, homework.

**Jo nods. **Lizzie goes back upstairs. "Whew! That was close." She begins to panic. "Oh my God, what have I done? I'm in so deep! Mom and dad think my grades are high, that I'm still in honor choir, and that Isabella is giving me a recording contract. I've lied to everyone! I can't do this anymore."

_

* * *

The day of… _

**Lizzie, Gordo and Miranda are eating lunch at school. She received a D on her English report for Miss Fields. Lizzie decided to talk to her teacher about her grade, but to no avail. The trio grab their lunches from their locker and find a place to sit outside.**

Lizzie: Can you believe Miss Fields?

Miranda: I know. That was so unfair! I thought your report was good.

Lizzie: Me too. I worked all night on it!

Gordo: At least you don't have Mr. Chase. He's a slave driver.

Miranda: Aw, come on, Gordo. You know you've got an A in Honor's English.

Gordo: **Changing the subject**. How 'bout we go to the Digital Bean after school to celebrate Lizzie's recording contract?

Miranda: That's a great idea! I'm sooo jealous! **Lizzie blushes.** Nah, really, I'm happy for you! I can't wait until your first CD comes out.

Lizzie: Guys, I haven't even recorded one song yet. How do you know it'll be good? I might wind up being a flop.

Gordo: Yeah, right. Miranda, she was so hot on stage. Lizzie, you're a natural.

Miranda: I could design your wardrobe for your first music video.

Gordo: And I could film it.

Lizzie: I wouldn't have it any other way. Anyway, you are coming to dinner tonight? Mom's cooking a big dinner for me to celebrate.

Miranda: Of course!

Gordo: When have I ever turned down a free meal at your house, or your mom's cooking?

Lizzie: Well, there was the tuna noodle casserole?

Gordo: **Shivers.** Well, there's always a first time.

**That night, Jo fixes spaghetti, Lizzie's favourite meal, for dinner and invites Gordo and Miranda as well.**

Lizzie: Mom, this is good.

Jo: Thanks, sweetheart.

Sam: So, Lizzie, how does it feel to be a rock star?

Lizzie: **Blushes.** Dad, I'm not a rock star yet. I haven't even recorded any songs yet.

Sam: Well, my daughter's gonna be famous.

Matt: Yeah, famously lame! **Lizzie sticks her tongue out at him.** Hey!

Jo: Sam, can you explain our children for me?

After they finish eating, Jo goes into the kitchen. When she returns, she is holding a cake. Matt begins taking pictures. Jo sits the cake in front of Lizzie. It is a white sheet cake with red flowers adorning the edges. The flag of Italy graces the center, as do the words "Congratulations, Lizzie." Lizzie's eyes brighten and Matt, Miranda, and Gordo applaud.

Jo: Congratulations, sweetheart!

Sam: We knew you could do it!

Lizzie: **Blushes. **Thanks!

Jo: Our little girl's gonna be famous.

Gordo: Don't forget us "little people" when you become a big rock star.

Lizzie: Oh, I won't forget you. I'm taking you with me. **She gives Gordo a kiss.**

Matt: Ewwww! Get a room you two!

Gordo: Just wait until you turn fifteen. You'll have a girlfriend, and you'll enjoy making out.

Lizzie: **Blushes hard.** Thanks. Right in front of the 'rents!

Jo: Oh, stop it. You make us sound old. **Suddenly, she turns pale.**

Sam: **Looks concerned. **Are you all right?

Jo: Yeah. **Beads of sweat pool on her forehead. **I just got a little woozy.

Sam: Let me get you some water, honey.

Jo: **Sits down.** Okay.

Miranda: If it's okay, I'll cut the cake. **Jo nods. Miranda serves the cake, giving Lizzie the first piece.** Here you go! Remember, I want to design your outfits you'll wear on stage!

Lizzie: Thanks! Of course! You're definitely my favorite designer.

**After dessert, the trio goes upstairs to do their homework. Then Jo drives Gordo and Miranda home.**

Lizzie sits upstairs in her room crying. (Sam, Jo, and Matt have gone to bed.) She grabs her fake journal (the one she writes in to throw Matt or anyone else off) and writes,

_Dear Diary, I can't take it any more. I'm sorry. Lizzie._

She closes the book and puts it in her dresser drawer. Then, she goes into the attic, and rummages through boxes until she finds her diary. She sits on a chair and begins writing:

_Dear Diary, I'm such a liar and a miserable excuse for a human being. I've sure f'ked up my life, big time, and no one realizes it. I'm failing in school; I'm in danger of having to repeat my freshman year. I didn't make honour choir, and got kicked off regular choir due to my grades. Everyone hates me, well with the exception of Gordo and Miranda. Mom and dad think we're dating; well, I guess we are, but I dunno. He's kinda shy about it. I think he's my boy friend, but am I his girl friend? Then, I just heaped on lie after lie with the fake letter from Isabella. Recording contract my ass! I'm never gonna get anywhere with my music. I'm just as lousy with that as I am anything. The only thing I'm good at is Rhythmic Gymnastics, and I think it's lamer than lame. So, I'm done. I've had it. I can't take it anymore. I'm sorry. Lizzie._

She puts the diary back in its place, fighting back tears,and creeps back into her room. Everyone's still asleep, so she goes unnoticed. "Goodnight mom, dad, Matt. I love you," she whispers toward their bedroom doors, as a tear rolls down her cheek. She leaves the light in her bedroom off, then she goes into the bathroom, leaving the lights off, and pulls out a couple razor blades and sits on her bed.

"I guess this is it," she says to herself, looking at the blades. She takes a couple deep breaths. "Am I gonna do it? It's now or never." She inhales and cuts her arm. Blood starts dripping from the cut. Droplets fall onto the sheets. Her eyes widen with surprise. "Ow! Dammit!" she hisses. She cuts again and again. Blood starts pouring. "Oh my God!" she gasps. Next, she goes to her abdominal region and slices, tears streaming down her face. Still more pours, creating a stream, which drips on the floor beneath her. Then, she finds her carotid and digs.

She pulls the covers up around her and snuggles down into them, with Mr. Snuggles beside her. She drifts off to sleep……………………


End file.
